Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

It’s just a crush and they do pass given time. You will realise what an escape you have had eventually.

Are you sure he isn’t gay and maybe wants to have a friendship with you.
You said he ‘chooses’ to stay single. If he’s such a great guy then why is he single unless he’s choosing to just sleep around and play the field, in which case he probably just flirts with most women and you aren’t anything special.

How is his relationship with his brother? Sometimes these things can come from competitive sibling relationships, I have seen this happen within my own family.

I’ve also had issues with my own BiL confessing feelings for me (met him and my DH on the same day, both asked me out) multiple times over the years and it’s really caused problems.

In a long marriage, it's normal to have crushes. They tend to pass if you don't entertain them. One way to rid yourself of the crush is to limit contact and actively think of all the annoying/mundane things about the BIL.

However, the fact that you have a strong crush does tell that you're emotionally detached from your spouse. What do you want to do about that? If you do want to mend things, he needs to commit to counseling or some other form of fixing things. Otherwise you'll keep drifting further and will divorce when your kids are grown (if you only stay together for them).

If you don't see the point going around in circles, perhaps start considering separating now. Not to be with BIL, but build your own life. If you're able to fall for him, other men will come along who'll be a good date/match/partner.

I divorced from my first husband after having a serious crush on a colleague that I never acted on. But it illuminated every single aspect in our marriage that didn't and couldn't work. 13 yrs later I'm happily married to my soulmate I met 12 yrs ago, after separating. The colleague changed jobs and drifted totally away from my circles/focus.

Sort your marriage out. BIL is an absolute low blow. Get it together.

I wonder if you have a need that is unmet by your husband? Companionship, friendship, support? I don’t know. I wonder if you think about what that need might be that he isn’t meeting but his brother is and try to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel (your needs, not your feelings for his brother).

people criticise but they haven’t walked your shoes. You can’t help your feelings, you can only help your actions I.E not acting upon your feelings.