Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

What kind of man buys teddies for valentine's day for his brother's missus. He's probably just as bad as your husband if not worse.
Just forget that whole family! If you don't want your husband you should leave.

Again @Anonymous546 you need to work on yourself. Risking your child's well-being for a shit man isn't worth it. Read your first post again, figure out what it is you are missing in your life and fix that. Best thing you could ever do for yourself and your daughter. If it means not staying married then so be it but it would be incredibly fucked up to go after your brother in law. That's not the kind of toxic environment you should want your daughter in.

@Thelnebriati
You would think there would be some sort of messages or conversations of a certain nature if it was an emotional affair, no?

Not necessarily. Just chatting about generalities, but chatting to him, is a win for him. Make a point of speaking or chatting to him less than to other relatives, preferably not at all. You need to send a message you have sussed him and don't want any of it.

I will be honest with you. I went there it was the worst possible thing that I ever did and I mean ever ! It was wonderful at first he love bombed me. Me and my husband weren't together anymore when it started but it was still obviously a massive drama but we were so in love soul mates blah blah blah 😒.
It was the worst relationship and the worst breakup I have ever had I have needed years of therapy to get over it.
If he is willing to do it to his brother then bare in mind that years down the line when he decides he likes the look of someone else (and he will trust me) he will give zero fucks about ruining your life

@BobbyBiscuits
This is probably the most sound advice I’ve heard. But what about my daughter?
That’s still part of her family and if they’re so shitty I would worry about her being around them.

Playing with fire here…

I've read all of your posts OP, you are desperately cleaving to any snippets, however vague, that bolster your delusion that there is anywhere to go with this. You seem to think that your bother in law is sincere, you really, truly want to believe that.

I think you will bask in what you perceive is this man's paying court to you and sleepwalk into a mess. How sad for your daughter if that's the case, you will be blamed for the eventual family rift. Brother in law will not.

@sallyal Wow. I’m so sorry. Can I ask how old you were when that happened? Just curious.

You need to get over it and reduce contact. Even if you and DH separate getting with his brother will not go down well and I doubt BIL would be willing to give up his family relationships to be with you.
He may just be being nice, I big up my BIL, I would never be buying him a valentines present though, that is really inappropriate.
I think what is probably going on is he is flirting with you because it's fun and exciting, he may go as far as crossing the line for sex. Realistically I think it's unlikely he would be wanting a long term relationship with you. Would you even want to be with him anyway? Not much would be morally lower than getting with a family members partner. I doubt he would view you in high regard either knowing you would be unfaithful with your husbands brother.

Oh dear. Absolutely nothing good can come from this ever.

He bought you a valentines gift !!!

Of course he’s coming on to you - and I agree with others that there might well have been a competitive edge to their relationship since they were young and this is part of it.

Saying nice things in front of others does not mean he is being lovely. He is well out of order.

You are quite focused on this not being in the category of an emotional affair. It's important to know affairs aren't a yes/no category and they aren't a single decision "yup, I'm going to have an affair, let's do it". They are a gradual sliding scale made up of lots of tiny decisions. Decisions like telling your SIL she's beautiful, like not saying to your BIL "I'm lucky too!" When he says his brother is lucky, like not saying "um, why would you buy me a valentine?". Over time the slide gets faster and it snowballs and suddenly "oh gosh, we don't know what happened, just fell for each other, couldn't stop the feelings!". But you can, it's not easy or comfortable but you can.

Your marriage is a completely separate thing. Even if it's guaranteed you end up without a romantic partner, do you want your marriage to end? Do you think it's possible to work through the problems? Do you think your husband would want to ?

The feelings for him are real. Feelings of obsession, hunger for the win, satisfaction and joy at your own responses welcoming him. But these will be mixed in with a lust for vengeance against his brother, a longing to have attention and admiration (I bet their mum is very cooing and indulgent and they felt jealous when she gave either of them attention) from you, instead of his brother.

He doesn’t have to be cold and calculating about it at all. He may have even convinced himself he is in love with you, but it will all be swirling around in this toxic brew. It isn’t healthy.

I guarantee that if you pull yourself together and stop indulging this nonsense, and either patch it up with your husband or separate, in a few years time you will look back on this episode and shudder. You’ll think “What was I thinking?”.

However, I can tell this isn’t what you want to hear or why you started this thread. You want us to say “Go for it! Follow your heart. It was fated that you should be together, and somehow fate messed up and meant you weren’t led to your soulmate.” Etc.

You are enjoying the fantasy, the flattery and the anticipation too much. You know you need to give your head a good wobble, but that is the one thing you don’t want to do. We’re all wasting our breath.

@Anonymous546 you’ve developed a crush because you’re unhappy in your marriage. That happens and the thing to focus on is if you want the marriage to work. If so then you and your dh need to have an honest discussion about what’s going wrong.

The fact you’ve developed a crush on your bil is difficult. Hes overstepping with the gifts etc and I’d say it’s verging on inappropriate.

Even if you and your dh split up, your bil is off limits as it would only cause massive issues for your and your family including your children- remind yourself for this over and over again!

It’s a crush, we all get them , tell yourself it’s silly and everytime you think about him then do something to distract yourself.

FGS quote the person you're responding to.

Just click on where it says QUOTE.

If you had a sister who was coming onto your husband would you think your sister was a nice person?

@Maray1967
so wouldn’t my husband pull his brother aside and tell him to cut the crap out?!

@Anonymous546 you can get away from him, for both you and your daughters sake. She has a right to see him to an extent but if there are serious concerns about safety then SS might need to be involved. Otherwise just deal with that bridge when you come to it. Get distance now. Can you go to family or friends while you think?

Yeah they ruined our fun about capital punishment 😂😂

He’s not nice OP.

He’s sleazy and lacking in moral fibre.

You’ve just fallen for some cheap flattery.

Why don't you tell him to cut it out? Presumably, you don't need or want your husband to speak for you.

Sort yourself out. He's your husband brother. If he's hitting on you. He's not a nice man.

Absolutely this.
I'd be betting he doesn't have any feelings for OP but simply wants to score points with his brother.

A bit like fishing - seeing what rather naff bait he can use to reel OP in.
a stuffed Valentine's bear? Chuck it straight in the bin.

Complements? Words are cheap.

It would be beyond a bad idea to follow through with any of these games- as the brothers will very likely unite against you, OP.

Op you're now speaking like you thought it was all innocent but your thread title is why didn't I meet my bil first???