Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

[MuffinCHeeler]

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

I should say also I think he's probably a bit depressed atm. He is a heavy drinker from Fri to Sun. He is worried about work and money, and he isn't coping brilliantly with the amount of time the kids demand from him. He doesn't get angry, just withdrawn. I've spoken to him about seeking support from the gp and again 'it's on his list'.

i would carry on as you are OP. You’ve done your share, time for him to step up.

Yeah i think you've done your bit, stick to your guns and enjoy your freedom

I'm planning to do the same as you OP.
We don't want any more children (him more adamantly than me).
When our youngest was born 3 years ago I told him I'd get one more coil, but after that I'm done. I've been on birth control since I was 16. That's more than half my life. I see no reason to pump my body full of hormones anymore.
3 years have gone by without even as much as reading the clinic website. He's the same as your husband. Introvert, shy, doesn't do well in new situation where he doesn't know what to expect, rather passive personality.
But when my coil comes out, he can forget about sex until he's had the snip. I don't care how long it takes. He's had years to prepare.

Thank you all for your replies, this is how I feel about it and I feel he's being unfair making me feel guilty for the lack of sex. I am so tired that I'm not fussed currently about the lack of sex. But it really bothers him. I've made it clear it's not off the table, but he just needs to pull his finger out and do what he promised to do. I am done worrying about it.

I understand you OP but him being reluctant and not committing to it is probably a good indication he is not 100% sure he wants to do it and it is not something you can force really. I would suggest condoms and/or tracking your cycle religiously and avoiding sex in fertile period.

If it bothers him he has the power to do something about it. It doesn't bother you so stop worrying that he's bothered. Personally, I think there are other priorities like sorting out his binge drinking, poor mental health and difficulty being a father to his kids. Given the issues summarised in the previous sentence, I'm not sure why you'd want to have sex with him anyway, snip or not.

You're absolutely right.
It's one thing that he hasn't done what he promissed to do.
It's a whole other thing when he now blames you for the lack of sex.

I suggests when he complains about it you reply with:
"Oh, I didn't know you wanted another baby. Well, alright, let's start trying then!"

I would just use condoms? We decided I wasn’t going back onto contraception between babies because after 10 years on the pill I’m done with filling myself with hormones just to avoid falling pregnant, so we are just using condoms now until we want to try for our last baby. Once we are done having children we’ve agreed we’ll use condoms or he will have the snip but that’s up to him and I’m not massively bothered either way. It’s his body and his choice but I don’t understand why if you both want to have sex you can’t use condoms instead?

Hi, regarding condoms I have told him that I'm happy for us to use them and suggested he buy some. They haven't materialised. At some point I will get some but like I say it bothers him more than it bothers me.

Regarding the question of whether he wants to have the procedure, I've said to him it's absolutely his body his choice. But he keeps saying he will do it.

It's the sad face guilt trip I dislike. He absolutely doesn't want another child but also won't take responsibility for not having another. Grrr...

Oh I'm absolutely asking him to address the other stuff. I've discussed his mental health with him several times recently as its clear he's not coping. Again though I can't make him go to the gp. He says he'll go. I have been facilitating some time out for him recently in the hope it will help his stress. He's always been a drinker but I'm now sober so it's more noticeable.

Well just use condoms I think. You can’t make him have the snip. My husband isn’t keen and I respect that. Yes I’ve had three kids and all the stuff that goes along with that but I still don’t think that gives me the right to insist he has an operation.

I would be having none of that sad face guilt trip! Tell him he's not a victim and he can stop doing the face- as you've repeatedly said, you're happy to have sex when he buys some condoms or has the snip. Stick to your guns OP. It's fair enough if he's dithering about the op due to nerves or whatever but he doesn't get to do this sad martyr act when he could just go buy a packet of condoms!

I'm not making him. I asked him and he said he would. I've told him many times it's his choice.

Just read your last post. Yes that’s annoying. Maybe the depression and alcohol is killing his sex drive. If he wanted to have sex he’d get the condoms.

He wants sex

"Oh did you buy some condoms then love?"

No?

"Better nip out quickly and get them then!"

His emotions aren't yours to manage.
I think it may be time for you to set some healthy boundaries. There is a problem. It's up to him to fix it. He can't choose not to fix the problem and then complain to you about the problem.
He either misses sex so much that he gets the snip (or even condoms). Or he doesn't get the snip, in which case you should assume he doesn't miss sex that badly.

If the relationship was good I'd probably try to work with him to find a solution.

As he's a drunk, sulky man baby I wouldn't even bother if you're not interested in sex anyway.

I think he's waiting for me to cave and take the pill!

sorry rereading more of your updates. I think the drinking is a big issue. How old are your kids? He’d find them easier if he wasn’t hungover

🤣 This is right up my street. I'm very blunt, I'll use this

If you do - you'll resent him
so dont!

My youngest is about to turn 19, and I'm perimenopausal - it's still on his list! No malice or weaponised incompetence, it just never made it to the top of the list - life got in the way.

However, I was done with being on the pill, no way was I going for the jab, or the coil, contraception became his job.

We've managed with condoms. It worked for us.

Absolutely agree. And I don't take any responsibility for his emotions. I have done quite a bit of therapy due to my mcs. During this I learned how to put in healthy boundaries and so a few times I've sat my husband down and said that this is in his own power to resolve and that I don't believe it is my issue as I have done what I said I would. I've said I will support him through any treatment or counselling, but that he needs to arrange it himself. Likewise if he decides not to have the snip I respect his decision but then he cannot moan about using condoms or having no sex if there are no condoms.