Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

[MuffinCHeeler]

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

To be honest I would say the bigger issue is living with a depressed alcoholic….

stop parenting him. He has to take responsibility for his life.

what an awful environment for a child to grow up in

i am so sorry that you have had a tough time, but you can’t take on his baggage if he’s not willing to help himself, how can this relationship continue? Where’s the team work? Where is the respect?

When my coil gets removed, we'll just buy condoms. It will be so much easier. Its not fairnob you to miss out sex for so long. I know my husband would never get the snip because his step dad has a horrific story to tell about his vasectomy 🙄

Skipped some of the thread so apologies if missed.

I almost had one last year. Did a call with Dr, then had a date a month or so later. Cancelled at the last minute as we decided not to bother and just use no protection. Yes, that sounds immature or irresponsible but with her age (49) it was very unlikely she can conceive naturally (that was her decision, not mine). So, it is easy to get one and it's not a long wait.

We did use condoms but I have never been a fan. Will use them but sex was always better without and she preferred it too.

So for me it is down to him - get the balls to have the snip (no pun intended) or get some condoms. If you both feel that age is a tiny chance of conceiving then use nothing. We did look at the research and found it to be a chance we were both happy to take.

You can't force him OP... Just kidding 🤭

You're not at all unreasonable to leave it to him to sort out. Even if he's not ready for the snip, condoms are not difficult to buy/obtain. So I wouldn't tolerate the sulky sad face either!

I've read your replies but not everyone else's so not sure if this has come up. Does he know that if he can't/won't sort his drinking out that you may leave? I wondered if he was maybe leaving his future options open..?

Tell gin to man the fuck up. Do not start back on the pill. You've done enough!

Grow up you silly manchild.

Found the man

This is the type of conversation we had when my daughter was born and I agreed to the coil whilst he thought about whether he wanted to have the vasectomy.

What awful environment? He doesn't drink in front of the kids and he spends a lot of time with his kids. I don't understand your comment. The drinking is after they are in bed and he doesn't really show he's depressed to them. I grew up in a volatile household. This is most certainly not that.

That made me smile 😁

Yes he does. After the last time he embarrassed me on a night out by being too drunk he was told in no uncertain terms that it needed to stop. He hasn't been drunk since then when we've been out. But he drinks in the house after kids are in bed.

I don't think I care enough about the sex unfortunately

Life skills and resilience? Seriously? I've been to hell and back but I'm still standing. Bog off.

Booze is very costly, I would control all the money so he can't buy any at all. How much is the weekly/monthly cost of his addiction when you already have money problems?

Your husband sounds awful, a drain and a misogynistic sex pest to me.

Guilt him. Absolutely. He is a selfish prick, why are you letting him off with drinking and getting the snip?

You're too soft. I'd be going nuclear. You really need to raise your standards!

What happens when you say no to him? He pouts. Sex pest. Gross sex pest who doesn't care if your body is ravaged by an unwanted pregnancy. Could he be any more negligent?

Why aren't you angry?

You could return the mini pill to the pharmacy and let him know you have - it sounds like he knows you have them? Just to reinforce your message of “Neither of us wants children. I won’t use hormonal contraceptives for health reasons. Unless you ensure effective contraception, this is a sexless marriage”.

The who cha with contraception is actually not the point is it. You don't sound like you like him nevernind care enough about sex. I don't blame you, if he's a drunk he won't be much fun.

Instead of squabbling over condoms or the snip why not have the more pressing chat about whether you love each other and want to stay together?

He knows I have the pill but that I'm not going to take it (gp pretty much forced it on me when I had the coil removed 😐).

I've explained a few times through this thread what he does bring to the table and also how I do still have fun with and love him. Following this post I'm going to speak to him again tonight.

Quite. I have made this point.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. I'll have another word with him tonight. Yes I am sure that I will leave if the drinking doesn't improve. Thanks for the recommendations, advice, experiences and wisdom. It's appreciated. I'm off to work now.

Good!

I wonder if he's thinking further down the line, if things went bad between you and he ended up single, he'd have the option of having more children with a new partner. Not sure on your ages/if this is a bit of a leap. (My exh refused snip, had another baby with OW shortly after we split).

He feels that because he's a man he should be able to have sex without any consequences or obligations. He is punishing you OP because you are refusing to to take the hit, to be the one who suffers so that he can get what he wants.

'have been sober curious for 2 years and recently sober'

Well done on controlling your drinking . What is sober curious though, it isn't a phrase I've heard before. Surely it isn't a curiosity thing not to get drunk?

I think you might have to be this blunt, OP.
Hand him the phone, explain how disrespectful he is being and tell him to make the flipping appointment or go out and get condoms, there and then.

Don't let it drift on.

@Janiie he does the shopping. You’re right, he should stick some in the trolley.

@MuffinCHeeler I think you may have been too nice and understanding. It’s time for ‘listen mate, this is in your hands. I have enough children, I’m not responsible for you. You need to shape up or I’ll lose all respect for you. Cut the alcohol out. Get the condoms. Otherwise we’re effectively marking time til we divorce. Decide what you want and I’ll help you do it.’

I can understand why you are defensive and of course you know your house, but if you think that someone with depression, heavy drinking and conflict with spouse around contraception hasn’t created some kind of atmosphere for your children you are in denial. Of course they know, they feel it even if you think they don’t see it (they see it)