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Original poster

Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

186 replies

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 08:25

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

OP posts:
Drizzlebizzle · 09/07/2024 09:44

This reads really badly - he's depressed, an alcoholic. Wants sex but won't do anything to help the situation - i'd be so angry OP that all your body has been through and he can't even buy condoms. And he can't cope with the children. Really wondering what he brings to the table.

Mischance · 09/07/2024 09:44

"On his list" - FFS!

I feel he's being unfair making me feel guilty for the lack of sex. He sure is - don't buy into this. Keep your knees crossed till he steps up!

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:45

TheABC · 09/07/2024 09:37

DH had the snip (it helps that other men in the family have done so too). It's a weight off our minds and it's such a bloody relief not to think about contraception any more. If your DH is putting it off due to subconscious fear (or the depression acting as a drag on his emotions), talking to someone who has had it will help.

Like the other posters on here, I think that the drinking and depression are bigger problems. What would happen if you asked him to have a sovereign weekend? Or booked a therapy appointment for you both? If you added condoms to the shopping list (yes, I know its not your problem, but...) would he get them?

I'm trying to work out how much is down to a passive personality, the depression or weaponised incompetence.

A mix I think. He had a weird upbringing and is emotionally immature. But he's a very good partner in many ways. Kids adore him. If he just sorted the drinking I'd be very happy.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 09/07/2024 09:45

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:43

This is my fear. I'm so sorry this happened. Sending a hug

Show quote history

This. I think your husband's a dickhead OP .

I support things like HRT, but I can understand how it must feel nice and natural slef. Quite a few women feel like that, and so did I.

Also - most hormonal contraception lowers your free testosterone levels. Might be handy for someone with PCOS, but for everyone else, it can negatively affect libido, sexual sensation, energy and mood.

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:45

EarthSight · 09/07/2024 09:43

Your husband sounds immature and entitled to women having to do all the leg-work - all the changing, all the nasty & health affecting stuff, whilst he doesn't have to do anything or put himself out in any way. That's why he won't buy the condom.

Plenty of men are also fine with having un-protected sex as they think that the women will have an abortion if it comes to it. A really awful, casual expectation on women to do something most women wouldn't want to do, either for ethical reasons, or wouldn't want to put their bodies through that.

Agree, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:47

Drizzlebizzle · 09/07/2024 09:44

This reads really badly - he's depressed, an alcoholic. Wants sex but won't do anything to help the situation - i'd be so angry OP that all your body has been through and he can't even buy condoms. And he can't cope with the children. Really wondering what he brings to the table.

Yes. He's very kind and patient. But also passive to any kind of urgency. He is very good with money. He also has a brilliant sense of humour which is why I love him. I feel sad at the thought of leaving but it will have to happen if the drinking isn't resolved.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:49

Sorry if I've missed any replies, I'm skimming as quickly as possible. Thank you so much, this chat has really helped me think about how to proceed.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 09/07/2024 09:50

Havent read the full thread..

He cant be THAT worried about money if he is still drinking.

No snip = no sex.

He doesnt need to be 'accommodated'.

Total disrespect.

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:50

EarthSight · 09/07/2024 09:45

This. I think your husband's a dickhead OP .

I support things like HRT, but I can understand how it must feel nice and natural slef. Quite a few women feel like that, and so did I.

Also - most hormonal contraception lowers your free testosterone levels. Might be handy for someone with PCOS, but for everyone else, it can negatively affect libido, sexual sensation, energy and mood.

Show quote history

I am so over not knowing what my body is doing. I love not having hormonal control.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/07/2024 09:50

SallyWD · 09/07/2024 09:32

I completely understand where you're coming from. You've done your bit most definitely. However, I wouldn't be pressurising a man to have a vasectomy. It's his body and his choice. Imagine if a man was pressurising a woman to be sterilised and refusing to have sex with her until she did. There would be outrage on Mumsnet! He'd be called controlling and abusive.
So I feel uncomfortable about this. I think condoms are the answer.

OP has said several times she's happy to use condoms. He knows this, he does the weekly shop and he's still trying to guilt trip OP either into unprotected sex or back onto hormonal contraceptives, rather then buy condoms. Its really the least he can do.

sugarbyebye · 09/07/2024 09:52

Does he have any friends who've had a vasectomy? Most of my friends (40s) have had one by now, once one did they all followed suit. My partner hasn't bothered because I'm infertile but we're years in and everyone seems quite happy about their choices, no regrets!

yeah his body his choice, but maybe he has the fear without actually chatting it through with anyone. Regardless, he should buy the bloody condoms.

PartayyTyme · 09/07/2024 09:53

Pay for it privately.

You'll say 'we can't afford it'

But it's hellnof a lot cheaper than a kid for 18 years

DecayedStrumpet · 09/07/2024 09:56

You say you'll leave if the drinking doesn't resolve... But really you probably won't will you? It'll just kind of bobble along, like the sex/condom thing, being a permanent drag on your relationship but without ever actually getting to a head.

I'm not saying that to be mean or because I actually think you should leave, it's just how these things tend to go.

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:56

PartayyTyme · 09/07/2024 09:53

Pay for it privately.

You'll say 'we can't afford it'

But it's hellnof a lot cheaper than a kid for 18 years

It's free at our local clinic

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:57

DecayedStrumpet · 09/07/2024 09:56

You say you'll leave if the drinking doesn't resolve... But really you probably won't will you? It'll just kind of bobble along, like the sex/condom thing, being a permanent drag on your relationship but without ever actually getting to a head.

I'm not saying that to be mean or because I actually think you should leave, it's just how these things tend to go.

If you say so? Not sure what you want me to say to this, stranger on the t'internet.

OP posts:
heathspeedwell · 09/07/2024 09:57

OP, I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and I hope that your husband steps up. You absolutely deserve a partner who is as kind and reasonable as you obviously are.

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:58

sugarbyebye · 09/07/2024 09:52

Does he have any friends who've had a vasectomy? Most of my friends (40s) have had one by now, once one did they all followed suit. My partner hasn't bothered because I'm infertile but we're years in and everyone seems quite happy about their choices, no regrets!

yeah his body his choice, but maybe he has the fear without actually chatting it through with anyone. Regardless, he should buy the bloody condoms.

So this is a great point. I've actually suggested he speak to other men who've had it. He thought it was a good idea. I haven't checked though if he did.

OP posts:
Fs365 · 09/07/2024 09:59

heldinadream · 09/07/2024 09:35

Jesus, people read OP's posts! She IS NOT PRESSURISING HER DH TO HAVE A VASECTOMY!

OP you are handling this perfectly. Have you actually had a good long rant to him about what YOUR body has been through? Probably wouldn't go amiss.
Good luck.

It probably due the title

“Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip”

something like

Sexless marriage because he hasn't bought any condoms”

Might have been easier and stating in the opening in the opening post the she is awaiting her DH to get some condoms as the opening post does kinda read like it’s snip or nothing

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/07/2024 09:59

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 09:37

Totally agree. I think he is an alcoholic, he doesn't. We've talked about it many times. He feels like he can control it, I don't. He is wanting to seek help but 'doesn't know what to say' and is very anxious about the thought of having to try to speak to a doctor. I'm trying to understand and be supportive.

Show quote history

Lot's of addicts like to think they are in control and thus not addicted, almost all of them are full of shit. Whether he is addicted or not, an alcoholic or not in the strictest sense, he clearly has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol as a weekend binge drinker. You clearly are being impacted by it, it will be having adverse long-term effects on his physical health, it will be contributing to his poor mental health (alcohol is a depressant) it's a waste of family money and it is almost certainly impacting the children and setting a bad example for them. I expect you know all this, and maybe he does too, but it really needs to be hammered home until he does something about it.

I get that you love him and want to be supportive but surely at some point you have to run out of sympathy for someone who steadfastly refuses to help themself? You describe him generally as a good partner and dad but I'm struggling to see that as an uninvolved outsider looking in.

JusWunderin · 09/07/2024 10:00

It doesn’t cost money to have the snip, if he’s over a certain age and you already have children it’s really easy to get it on the NHS. Sorry if I’ve missed something there I haven’t read the full thread.

but ultimately, it’s your body, your choice. Also his body, his choice. I wouldn’t push him anymore but there’s not really anything wrong with condoms in the mean time. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. He has a choice to make. You’ve made yours.

could there be an element of his not feeling completely done?

We had a similar conversation at home but I originally chose to have my tubes removed, but we ended up just being too hectic during our seconds birth that we decided not to bother. DH was a bit apprehensive about going through with the snip, my brother had a bit of a bad experience that put him off 😂 but sure enough, we had our second child and he went pretty much straight to the GP and was booked in for a few months later.
DH ended up in A&E with pretty severe blood loss after his snip (no scalpel method) and he was really stressed about it, but a few weeks after recovery he said he would absolutely do it again as it’s just so much more convenient now.

Still worries me, my sister was a post-snip baby even after test results came back completely clear 😂

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 10:00

Fs365 · 09/07/2024 09:59

It probably due the title

“Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip”

something like

Sexless marriage because he hasn't bought any condoms”

Might have been easier and stating in the opening in the opening post the she is awaiting her DH to get some condoms as the opening post does kinda read like it’s snip or nothing

Edited
Show quote history

Or...people could just read my replies?

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 10:03

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/07/2024 09:59

Lot's of addicts like to think they are in control and thus not addicted, almost all of them are full of shit. Whether he is addicted or not, an alcoholic or not in the strictest sense, he clearly has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol as a weekend binge drinker. You clearly are being impacted by it, it will be having adverse long-term effects on his physical health, it will be contributing to his poor mental health (alcohol is a depressant) it's a waste of family money and it is almost certainly impacting the children and setting a bad example for them. I expect you know all this, and maybe he does too, but it really needs to be hammered home until he does something about it.

I get that you love him and want to be supportive but surely at some point you have to run out of sympathy for someone who steadfastly refuses to help themself? You describe him generally as a good partner and dad but I'm struggling to see that as an uninvolved outsider looking in.

Show quote history

He works hard, doesn't take money for himself (which I'm trying to change as I think he needs to go do something for himself sometimes to help his MH) and he pulls his weight equally around the house. He looks after the kids without complaining when I say I'm tapped out and need some time to myself. His drinking is a huge issue and he knows I will accept this long term.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 09/07/2024 10:05

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 08:50

Hi, regarding condoms I have told him that I'm happy for us to use them and suggested he buy some. They haven't materialised. At some point I will get some but like I say it bothers him more than it bothers me.

Regarding the question of whether he wants to have the procedure, I've said to him it's absolutely his body his choice. But he keeps saying he will do it.

You can order them through your local GUM clinic and they usually post them put in an unmarked envelope.

You've nothing to lose OP. It's free.

Original poster
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 10:06

JusWunderin · 09/07/2024 10:00

It doesn’t cost money to have the snip, if he’s over a certain age and you already have children it’s really easy to get it on the NHS. Sorry if I’ve missed something there I haven’t read the full thread.

but ultimately, it’s your body, your choice. Also his body, his choice. I wouldn’t push him anymore but there’s not really anything wrong with condoms in the mean time. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. He has a choice to make. You’ve made yours.

could there be an element of his not feeling completely done?

We had a similar conversation at home but I originally chose to have my tubes removed, but we ended up just being too hectic during our seconds birth that we decided not to bother. DH was a bit apprehensive about going through with the snip, my brother had a bit of a bad experience that put him off 😂 but sure enough, we had our second child and he went pretty much straight to the GP and was booked in for a few months later.
DH ended up in A&E with pretty severe blood loss after his snip (no scalpel method) and he was really stressed about it, but a few weeks after recovery he said he would absolutely do it again as it’s just so much more convenient now.

Still worries me, my sister was a post-snip baby even after test results came back completely clear 😂

Yes he's absolutely said he's done and wants no more. I'm not pressurising him to have the snip, but he said he wanted to do it hence the title while he apparently is going to make the appointment. I've also said I'm fine using condoms but I would be afraid of getting pregnant. I can't carry a child past 7 weeks without support so any pregnancy would likely end in mc.

OP posts:
sugarbyebye · 09/07/2024 10:06

Me again. Alcoholic is a bit of a loaded word. People think down and out vodka for breakfast type thing. Alcohol dependent or alcohol problem is a bit easier to stomach for those of us who live a normal life but are still in the grips of a booze addiction. My family is rife with addiction, I have an alcohol problem myself (but stopped drinking years ago). I didn't want to speak to a doctor about it as I didn't want that going on my file but I went to some meetings, read books, etc and convinced myself it was time to give up for good. I wasn't that into AA as it had a lot of 'proper' alcoholics at it, but these SMART recovery meetings were quite interesting and they do online meetings so that could be an easy first step for him? I am a massive extrovert and face things head on so it was easy enough for me to ask for help but I can imagine he's a head in the sand kind of guy (my brothers are similar) which makes things harder https://smartrecovery.org.uk/.