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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

186 replies

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 08:25

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

OP posts:
MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 16:29

Thanks everyone for the constructive comments. Other comments are starting to descend into being quite unkind in places so I'm going to step away now that I've had a good think about everything.

Thanks all for the contributions!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 09/07/2024 16:31

Good luck tonight OP!

Powderblue1 · 09/07/2024 16:34

We're in a similar position but o read some research that said if your family has a history of prostate cancer the snip can increase the risk so I've actually said to not do it. I can't (and don't want to) go back on the pill because of a family history of breast cancer so we just use condoms. Is that not an option?

SheilaFentiman · 09/07/2024 16:37

“so we just use condoms. Is that not an option?“

The DH, who does the weekly shop, consistently fails to buy condoms.

Yorkshiredolls · 09/07/2024 16:53

Hi OP,
Some men can be a really weird about going to the doctor for anything, they avoid it. I imagine this is amplified if he’s depressed and even if its something he knows he wants to get round to he knows its not a pleasant experience so putting it off.

when my husband was thinking about getting his a few of the men he knew shared horror stories with him about balls swelling up and horrendous bruising, its really not helpful.(he was fine by the way no horror story here)

this seems like a battlefield that is making noone happy at the moment. Poking him is not working. Maybe a more helpful approach would be to move towards him and support him in this practically? Help him get the ball rolling. Why not say, tomorrow love, I think its time to call the doctor, dial it for him, and sit there beside him while he makes the appointment. Go with him to it if you can (my husbands Gp appointment was actually over the telephone so didn’t even need to go in)

when they actually go get it done, you cant go in the procedure room because they will want to ask him if he is doing it of his own free will and make sure that he is not being coerced.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2024 16:59

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 08:52

It's the sad face guilt trip I dislike. He absolutely doesn't want another child but also won't take responsibility for not having another. Grrr...

You're in the right op.

My twins are 4.5 so just pre COVID. DH didn't want more. I took responsibility over COVID cos, COVID, but once he could he booked in and got it sorted because HE was most adamant about wanting no more. Like you I finally have "regular" periods four times a year after years of chemical contraception and it's now a stress off both of our shoulders. And he's shy, squeamish, hates needles, is terrible with pain etc

QueenBitch666 · 09/07/2024 17:14

He sounds like a pathetic man child. I think condoms are the least of your problems

QueenBitch666 · 09/07/2024 17:15

Ps. I'd say sex is off the table until he pulls his finger out. Sod the sulking

WhataBloodyFarce · 09/07/2024 17:23

Honestly if my dh didn't want any more kids indefinitely, and was humming and harring over this, I'd dam well remind him what it is like to give birth, shyness doesn't come into it! What an excuse!!

If he is confident enough to have sex, he can get his arse down to the clinic and sort it out. IMO it is the least a man can do, and I have zero respect for any that would try to put their wife through a sterilisation. He needs to do his part, instead of moaning! Everytime you're having sex with him you're risking an unplanned pregnancy!

jay55 · 09/07/2024 18:29

He could deliveroo the condoms if he was that bothered. The inability for him to take any responsibility must be a huge turn off.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 09/07/2024 18:47

MuffinCHeeler · 09/07/2024 08:58

I think he's waiting for me to cave and take the pill!

I’d call that manipulation then.

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