Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

[MuffinCHeeler]

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

Yes I'm in the same situation. My DH won't have the snip. It would be wrong to force him into it. We used condoms for 10 years. Recently I had the coil fitted for hormonal reasons.

The OP isn't pressuring him. She is being consistent in saying she will not have sex until contraception is in place, and in telling him that he needs to sort out that contraception. He has not sorted it out yet, despite saying he will. That is the source of OP's frustration.

The heavy drinking is the key, which is why you mentioned it- what the doctors call the hand on the door: just as the patient is leaving, the real reason for the appointment is revealed. Believe me, I speak from experience about alcoholism in a marriage. It destroys your sex life, your marriage and eventually the alcoholic, himself. You can get support from AA with being a partner of an alcoholic- which he is.

Jesus, people read OP's posts! She IS NOT PRESSURISING HER DH TO HAVE A VASECTOMY!

OP you are handling this perfectly. Have you actually had a good long rant to him about what YOUR body has been through? Probably wouldn't go amiss.
Good luck.

Good. Sorry.

Please rtft. I have said many times he's not being pressured to have the snip. He said he wants to.

Well that's on him then. Next time he pressures you or tries to make you feel guilty you say, "that's on you - you said you would buy condoms and you haven't. I'm not buying them, it's up to you."

Meh. He can make sure they have condoms. OP doesn't need to do anythibg

I'm in a similar position and have been for years. We tried condoms, neither of us are super keen on them and now just avoid him ejaculating inside me (has worked for approx 10 years) & do lots of the other stuff.
DH worries about the snip, up for it in principle but I know it's never gonna happen.

Totally agree. I think he is an alcoholic, he doesn't. We've talked about it many times. He feels like he can control it, I don't. He is wanting to seek help but 'doesn't know what to say' and is very anxious about the thought of having to try to speak to a doctor. I'm trying to understand and be supportive.

DH had the snip (it helps that other men in the family have done so too). It's a weight off our minds and it's such a bloody relief not to think about contraception any more. If your DH is putting it off due to subconscious fear (or the depression acting as a drag on his emotions), talking to someone who has had it will help.

Like the other posters on here, I think that the drinking and depression are bigger problems. What would happen if you asked him to have a sovereign weekend? Or booked a therapy appointment for you both? If you added condoms to the shopping list (yes, I know its not your problem, but...) would he get them?

I'm trying to work out how much is down to a passive personality, the depression or weaponised incompetence.

We know you are not forcing him. We know he said he will do it. But it is his actions that speak, not words. If he keeps saying he will do it but hasn't done it yet, the end result is still the same : he doesn't want to do it , at least not yet.

Plus I can't imagine the stress of having to track. I did it for many years. And why should I take care of this again?

But he clearly doesn't want to get it done. 5 years.

This would send me completely nuclear. How dare he! How DARE he guilt trip you for not providing him with consequence-free sex. OP, you shouldn't be feeling guilty, you should be tearing him a new one. Honestly I don't think I could touch him again if he pulled that shit with me. Seriously, stop putting up with this crap. Don't do the work for him re. getting the snip. Just get properly agree about the emotional blackmail and gaslighting he's subjecting you to, and be prepared to leave the marriage if this carries on.

I have. I get a practised sad face and 'I know, it's hard'. But then inaction.

One time it was "are you still banging on about that?" at which point I did get very cross.

My ex was the same, in-case it "dented his masculinity!"(despite having 4 kids(who he never sees,none of them mine thank the lord) by 4 women.I took it into my own hands and went and got my tubes tied. It's very liberating 🙂 Then I LTB.

I agree. But that's not what he says and he doesn't offer up an alternative. Hence my post because I'm at the point of thinking am I just being a bit thick or is this a totally unwinnable situation?

He's pathetic!

I did this. I kept asking for snip but DH was procrastinating so we continued with condoms. Well I got pregnant, I was devastated & had an abortion and then complications, It was incredibly hard for me mentally and physically. I didn't let him anywhere near me again until he has a snip and test came back confirming it was effective.

Ooh that does sound good. But I don't fancy more intervention right now. Leaving isn't an option currently as I'd like to try to see if we can get through this. He's a lovely man when not being a man child.

This is my fear. I'm so sorry this happened. Sending a hug

Your husband sounds immature and entitled to women having to do all the leg-work - all the changing, all the nasty & health affecting stuff, whilst he doesn't have to do anything or put himself out in any way. That's why he won't buy the condom.

Plenty of men are also fine with having un-protected sex as they think that the women will have an abortion if it comes to it. A really awful, casual expectation on women to do something most women wouldn't want to do, either for ethical reasons, or wouldn't want to put their bodies through that.

I would personally let him know that I was planning to have sex with a man with more initiative and ask him if he'd prefer full disclosure or don't ask don't tell basis.

Well then he can find his way to the condom aisle can't he? But evidently he doesn't want to do that either.