Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

[MuffinCHeeler]

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

If your husband is taking ages to get round to having a vasectomy, and you're very certain you don't want another baby, wouldn't it be easier for you to be sterilised?

How would that be easier for OP? More convenient for DH perhaps, but easier for OP?

I'm assuming OP would take the stand that a female steri op is more invasive and requires general anaesthetic. A vasectomy can be done with local and using scalpeless techniques. Not saying it wouldn't be uncomfortable for him, but I think for OP to go through that after everything else, when the partner can just nip in and out within an hour and recover over the weekend, would be a bit silly. The waiting lists are longer too, costs more private and good luck trying to get a GP to refer you for one!

OP, I was in a similar situation to you for years. Nothing happened. He wouldn't by condoms. Kept whinging about not being close any more. I told him where the shop was, but they never came to fruition. Kept saying he would book the op, and it never happened. I tried to get sterilised, but I was denied at my referral appointment for being too young (late 30s!). Don't cave on him. Don't buy anything. If he wants sex, he can do his part and help make it happen. After everything you said you've been through, you deserve that at the very least.

Also congrats on the sobriety! <3

Well yes, she's been through all these procedures she's used to the suffering and pain she probably doesn't even feel it anymore, she's already shot to bits what will it matter if she has to take a few more hits, a bit more damage. After all he's the important one, he's the man he should stay pristine.
I'm assuming that's your thinking here @Growlybear83 ?

My understanding is that you're keen to find out more about sobriety with potential to take the step to being sober. I followed sober groups for a while and then decided to take the step away from alcohol.

I have had a lot of intervention already in order to prevent pregnancy, achieve pregnancy, keep pregnancies and haved babies. I have no desire to go through anything else invasive.

"Wwyd if you were me?"

I would tell him that penis-in-vagina sex was off the cards, of course.

I'm a little surprised that you have not mentioned that there are many other ways of both parties achieving sexual satisfaction other than PIV.

If he does not like it then he needs to get on that waiting list.....

This! Honestly I think I’d be telling I’m thinking of leaving because this behaviour from
him is totally unacceptable

Not in denial. I'm right here and can see my kids and hear my kids. There's nothing here that causes me concern. My little one adores her dad and he loves playing with her. My son says his dad is the funniest person he knows. We've recently been away on holiday as a family. My husband and I are affectionate with each other. He makes me laugh every day.

But his drinking is a issue, as is the lack of contraception.

Yup!

Op if he's happy to have it done and it's just the case of booking the first appointment book the appointment as oddly enough if your married you both have to go to the appointment anyway. Just make sure he knows you've booked it and for when. I mean you shouldn't have to but you can.

DH was a bit reluctant to as well and took him a couple of years. He was a bit scared, turned out it wasn't that bad. We used condoms in the meantime that was his choice and I made it non negotiable.

Thank you. This is how I think he feels. He's never had any surgery or anything really wrong. It's a new concept. I'll chat to him tonight.

I would start by thinking about what I would do if I had an accidental pregnancy while using condoms as birth control. Would I have an abortion or have the baby? Both paths would impact me in a myriad of ways.

now me personally, I wouldn’t be willing to risk either path and would prefer abstinence if necessary, but that is me. You need to make your own choice in that regard.

then tell your husband what your likely plan will be in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. He needs to be thinking about this in real terms. He needs to be thinking about what you might have to go through and the fact that he could end up with another child.

I didn’t have to go with DH to his vasectomy consultation. He just got asked if he was sure he wasn’t going to leave me and asked for it to be reversed in the future.

@Biggleslefae What an odd comment. No of course I don't think the man is more important. The OP talked about having a sexless relationship at the moment which she's clearly unhappy with, and isn't having sex with her husband because she doesn't want any more children. Her husband hasn't got round to having a vasectomy, for whatever reason. If it was me, I wouldn't have waited for five years for him to have the operation and would have arranged to get sterilised myself if I really wanted to make sure I didn't conceive again rather than abstain from sex for a long time. I would find that far preferable than taking any sort of hormone based contraception and being reliant on someone else to make sure I didn't get pregnant again.

I had a lot of interventions to get pregnant and was so thankful when I did conceive but nothing would have ever made me want to have another child. After my daughter was born, I made the stupid mistake of having a Mirena coil fitted after years of taking the pill when I was younger and had no idea of the links with breast cancer until I was diagnosed when I was 53. Had I researched what I was doing to myself, I would have been sterilised in a heartbeat because I wanted to make sure that I didn't get pregnant again and wouldn't have waited for five months, let alone five years, for my husband to have the snip. The OP asked what people would do if they were her, and that is what I would do.

Thank you so much for sharing this, and I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I'm reading all responses and there's been a lot of useful information to take away.

My husband was having an affair that involved mastbating together via WhatsApp. He was supposed to get a vasectomy but it would have alerted his affair partner to the fact he was still having sex with his wife.

Blimey, what a horrible man I'm so sorry 😔

It's not an operation. It's a quick, in office procedure that the man stays awake for and he can quite literally drive himself home from. Compared to everything women go through to have the children (or prevent having them) - the snip is quite literally nothing. It is a minor inconvenience to go in and have it done (with some minor, short lived tenderness in the area afterwards as it heals) and that's about it.

I agree that it is still the man's choice if he wants to or not...but I wouldn't be able to respect a man who 100% says/knows that he doesn't ever want any more children and then won't get this done to take the pressure off his spouse, after everything she has put herself through to create their family. It's selfish and cowardly.

Quite. I have a bigger scar and more stitches from yanking my implant out when it fused to my skin. And I didn't have the luxury of local anesthesia or pain relief after.

You said that he’s depressed and a heavy drinker Friday- Sunday. That’s all weekend, all his free time. Plus when he’s withdrawing. That’s a huge amount of time when he can’t respond to you and the children as you all need. Of course they’re aware of this. He can’t or won’t stop: he really is an alcoholic.

the whole “I’ll tell him about the gum clinic and see if he order them/see if they turn up” thing is so incredibly petty. Who care who wants sex more than the other? Surely you both fancy being intimate from time to time at least? Otherwise why the thread anyway? Grow up and order the condoms yourself.
He doesn’t OWE you a procedure just because you don’t want to be filled with hormones.
It sounds like he’s just too scared to say no to you because you talk down to him.

If you don’t want to be filled with hormones or reproduce again, order some bloody condoms and stop bickering like children.

Because him refusing to even acquire condoms is a clear attempt at manipulating OP into going back onto birth control. It's so easy, he can just do it. For once, he can take responsibility. It isn't a woman's job to compromise on everything and facilitate men.

I started a thread a week ago about having a baby when my others are grown up... Because I had the coil removed due to complications like yourself. He assured me he'd have a vasectomy....he did not. We mostly used condoms and surprise surprise I'm pregnant.
Except now we've discussed he's made it clear he does not want a baby and yet again it's me suffering the consequences.
It's 2 weeks until the hospital can get me in, by which point I'll be 9 weeks pregnant. Between now and then I have horrendous morning all bloody day sickness , sore boobs, tiredness - I'm utterly exhausted and so angry I'm in this position.
Do not let him shirk his responsibility, there's no way I'm letting my husband near me after this

@JusWunderin condoms were not an option DH and I considered as the success rate is 82% on typical use, whereas vasectomies are over 99%.