Sexless marriage because he hasn't got the snip

[MuffinCHeeler]

My dh and I don't want any more children but I have had my coil removed as it was causing pain (it had slipped down) and quite frankly after 15 years of being on the pill, followed by a very painful 10 years tt with 2 living children, 6 mc and 5 years of coil I just want to be free of hormones, procedures and devices. Having a coil inserted or removed is triggering for me and I get very upset. I do enjoy sex when we manage it, but I told him when my dd was born that I'd like to come off contraception and asked if he'd have the snip. He agreed but we're 5 years on and he hasn't done it yet. He says it's on his list to do and that he'll do it. I've given him the clinic details, there's a long waiting list. I warned him well in advance that I was getting the coil removed, but he didn't book the procedure. It's now been 2 months and he hasn't booked it.

I have a pack of the mini pill but I don't want to take it, I'm enjoying the freedom of not having anything to remember to take and my periods are back sporadically which gives me comfort (I had a condition that caused the mcs and in an odd way the periods make me feel like I'm actually functioning properly again).

My dh loves me and tries to initiate sex regularly, but obviously we'd need condoms as he hasn't had the snip. It's like we're in a weird standoff. I've tried talking to him and he's adamant it's 'on his list'. He's a shy person and having a conversation with a Dr would be quite a challenge for him.

Wwyd if you were me?

I'll let him know and wait for the parcel to arrive 😁. I won't hold my breath though just in case.

Nobody habitually drinking that much is making great decisions in a wider sense.

I'm in the same boat as you. Although he's not shy, just doesn't want a procedure done. He sat and watched while I had three c sections.

I will win this battle.

Thank you so much. I'm so grateful. I also struggle to moderate my alcohol so I have made the choice of sobriety because I don't believe I have a healthy relationship with alcohol.

Went to edit my op to explain that I'm not forcing him to get the snip but edit option has disappeared. Bum. I'll just have to keep saying it.

To be fair, some people will read the opening post then commenting ( as I did), and jump to an obvious conclusion; ploughing through 4 pages of responses is a right pain the arse.

so yeah, the title is a bit misleading..

I've tried editing but as we know mn likes to make this very difficult sadly.

Giving up was the best decision I made! I don't miss it at all any more and feel less anxious, tired, and have way more time for hobbies and life.

Fair enough

And the sleep! So much better

It’s irrelevant what one partner thinks. If someone doesn’t want to get pregnant, they should take responsibility to ensure they dont get pregnant. The OP doesn’t want to get pregnant so she can take responsibility for her own body. Her DP doesn’t want to become a father again so he can take responsibility for his own body. It’s not a game of wills here - whoever caves in first is the loser scenario! Withholding sex because someone else won’t have the snip is childish. After my 2nd baby, I knew I didn't want to get pregnant again, told my DH (who at that point did want another DC) and went straight for an implant whilst waiting to be sterilised. My body, my responsibility.

@Soontobe60 Op is taking responsibility for avoiding pregnancy. Not having sex is the best form of contraception.

Once upon a time, when it was all fields round here, reading 4 pages before commenting was nothing.

At the very least, reading the first and last pages for any updates before taking time to post would save everyone’s time.

I feel sorry for women who think family planning is their sole responsibility.

Yes, nobody can demand anything of another person's body. But it is utterly shameful that the default is for men to say "ooh err I'd rather not" because they know women have little choice but to shoulder the burden one way or another.
Withholding sex is not childish. Being too chicken to buy a packet of condoms on the other hand is pathetic.

Raise the bar ladies. Demand more of your spouses and teach your sons better.

Excuse my language, but what a load of old crap

Why so?

It is quicker to skim the first and last pages than to write a pointless post.

Oh, and there wouldn’t even have been four pages if PPs had done this, because many of those posts were “you can’t make a person have the snip”

And for those of us reading the same errors over and over, it makes the thread tedious (and pretty useless for the Op)

So could you clarify why you think what I posted was a load of crap?

Amen. Condoms being mentioned here as an alternative but much more fallible. I got pregnant via a condom once and there was no sign of it breaking or that anything had gone awry with it 🤷‍♀️ in OPs position, I wouldnt be relying on them.

I have little respect for men who watch their DW/DP go through miscarriages, child birth etc than get squeamish about having a vasectomy.

Yeah I'm not buying that it's my responsibility to sort contraception. It's both people's. I had the adult conversation saying that I would be removing my coil and that going forwards we'd need to use condoms unless he had the snip. No one is withholding sex and it's certainly not childish to stand up for yourself in a relationship.

I deliberately haven't said this to him as I don't want to guilt him into an invasive procedure. But yes this absolutely makes me feel the rage that it's OK for me to have procedure after painful procedure (including an implant at one point that then had to be removed). I'm sick of having to be the one who takes the tablets, has the implant, has the coil, has the surgery or has the inevitable miscarriage if I get pregnant by error.

Some men are reluctant to get the snip for a number of reasons. When with my ex husband I had the coil removed, I felt much the same as you, I had enough of having hormones in my body, and the coil was causing problems (also affected my libido anyway) we used condoms as he didn't wan the snip, our sex life died out, as did our marriage eventually. He went on to remarry and have another child, so was clearly happy he never had the snip.
12 years down the line I have never taken any hormonal contraception again, I couldn't bare to. I relied on condoms and when I met my now second husband I explained that I really didn't want any more children and was looking into sterilisation, he didnt want to use condoms. (it was quite expensive and more invasive for a woman to be sterilised) he decided to step up and got the snip instead. But it was his choice.

Could you go to the doctor together to discuss your contraception needs. Vasectomy is bound to be suggested, and hearing it recommended by a professional might encourage your dh to book it. When I turned 40 my Dr wouldn't prescribe the pill any more (I think this has changed) and my dh decided himself that he would have a Vasectomy. You can't force your dh, but personally I would lose respect for him that he won't step up, especially given your mc history.

I know you can’t say that OP. I can only imagine your frustration.

DH and I had a deal that when I got fed up of being responsible for contraception, he would have a vasectomy. He did.

See I think we should be able to say it. Not to manipulate them into it. Just because they ought to have an actual reason why we can, but they couldn't possibly. I don't think it's asking a lot that they justify their position beyond "I don't want to".

Christ, the pair of you. You talk about him like he is a child. The dynamic sounds utterly fucked.

I'm sorry that he drinks too much, sorry that you feel your body has been through it all contraception wise. You both need to do a course in life skills and resilience.

Just shove some condoms in your trolley when you're shopping or carry on with your weird stalemate. One of you will get sick of the misery and leave. Good luck.