Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

If I was to have an affair it would not be with someone 400 miles away as meeting would be very hard!!! So a physical affair is unlikely unless he spends time away from home.

Most likely this could be a work colleague or something?

You don't want to outright ask him because you know he'll either gaslight and lie to you or because you're scared it'll make you want to end the relationship. Just dump him and raise your standards. I promise you don't need this mediocre man in your life

The fact that he is so secretive with his phone, and that he has changed his Facebook and messenger notifications so you can’t see anything is a massive red flag.

I’d be checking his phone.

He's your husband you have the right to ask him outright to see his phone. If he refuses ... you know why.

I'd look. Because either there's nothing to see, so no privacy breeched, or there is and you'll know. I wouldn't be reading all his messages to everyone, but I would look at this one thing.

I think you're going to have to read the messages to settle yourself on this one because you sound very anxious.
It does seem odd that there is no connection at all. I wonder how they 'met'? Could it be online gaming or online chat?

Yeah I know it’s not a physical affair but emotional affairs are a thing. People also sext and send illicit content. All of the above would constitute cheating for me. They def are not colleagues. She’s in a completely different line of work. He’s self employed and works from home.

Long lost/newly discovered sister or daughter?

Good God you've been poking about and sleuthing for months but you haven't asked who she is?

Just ask him for goodness sake.

It’s not as simple as just dump him. We’re married and have children together. As yet I have no proof of anything. The reason I don’t want to ask right out is because if he is up to something he will obviously deny it, prob delete any evidence and then I’ll never know. I want to know the truth, either way. If he’s online cheated on me, I will def end the relationship. I’m not a shrinking Violet.

Talk to him!

I don’t want to read any of his other messages. Unless I saw more I don’t yet know about, that seemed dodgy from random strange women of course.

I think it's suspicious that they're not FB friends and yet they message.

Definitely check and read the messages if it's nothing happy days. If it's an emotional affair you maybe able to nip it in the bud before he wrecks yours & your childrens lives. Better safe than sorry or worse an STI

I thought that maybe. He has joined discord so maybe on there? I’m not on it.

She’s only 3 years younger so not daughter and looks nothing like him so I doubt they’re related.

If I ask him he will most likely deny it though. If he has nothing to hide, why don’t I know about her? Why hasn’t he mentioned her? He has other female friends and I’m not the jealous type. I’m just getting alarm bells over this because it’s so weird.

Exactly this!

He also has a message chat in his own username. Does anyone else think that’s weird?

You don't want to ask him about it.

You don't want to read the messages.

What do you think anyone here can advise then?

Can you ask him about discord and, if he enjoys it, suggest he helps you join up.
Ask him if he can indroduce you to an interesting group.

It would be suspicious to be left out, unintroduced, in real life settings so it would be very rude for him to try to leave you hidden online.

I can't understand why you can't just ask him (your husband) who the person is. Do you not get on?

Ask to borrow his phone /look at his photos. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Imo.

I’m asking if others would read the messages. To get an overall opinion. I’ve been trying to trust him and not violate his privacy because if he hasn’t done anything and finds out I’ve done that, that in itself could cause a problem in our relationship.

That’s not how it works though! The vast majority of Facebook groups are private, not public. Unless the op is in the same fb groups he’s posting in, then she’s not going to be able to see his posts? And while I’d normally be the first one to be suspicious over secret messages, alarm bells are not ringing for me about that either. I’ve got 4 men I message weekly, if not multiple times a day. 2 are in America, 2 are in my city, I’ve never met any of them, ever. We have a crack on the fb groups and send each other stupid memes all day. My oh knows a couple of them by name as he likes the sort of stuff they send me, so I’ll say oh look what x has sent. The other 2 I’ve never mentioned to him.
Op if you want to snoop then there’s no stopping you. But if it were a woman on here saying their oh checks every single bit of their fb activity, and is now upset he can’t see your private group posts, and is taking your phone and reading your messages as you’ve messaged an online friend 400 miles away, he’d be called a controlling stalker

"Old flame" from high school. His virtual assistant. BetterHelp (or similar) therapist. Remote colleague. Contractor from Fiverr. The woman he has met online on a niche website for a very specific kink, that's why she is miles away. Could be anything.