Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

@TipsyJoker, I’ve been pondering your situation since your major update and decided to return to comment.

TJ, your unsettled feelings were reasonable, as your H had been creating so much distance between you. He had withdrawn intimacy, and had erased your presence from his SM and ghosted yours. His phone habits had changed, as the device had become a 24/7 appendage. After you checked the mystery woman’s LinkedIn, which gave them a heads-up, his secretive phone behavior suddenly improved and their messages disappeared, but not those of others. He knew you were onto him and when you checked again, you discovered a sanitized scene.

He was ready for you, and when confronted acted heartbroken that you would suspect him. [This from a guy who accused you of cheating when you gave him zero reasons to.] The only thing left for you to read was an old unread message about a group. You now accept full responsibility for ‘causing problems.’

I truly hope all goes well for you, but I don’t buy what he is selling.

I am sorry but I agree with this. You seem lovely and I was appalled at some of the unkindness in a couple of poster's messages. However, your husband, whether innocent or not, has done a very good job of turning the tables and the blame being entirely yours. It is a common tactic. The untagging you on SM is the biggest red flag in all of this - why on earth would he do that?

He is in an excellent position now where even if he acts suspiciously, you cannot react for fear of offending him and being accused of being crazy etc.

I would stay vigilant to his behaviour over the next months. And stop apologising - your reactions were totally to be expected.

Totally agree and with the last few posters. His sad sausage ‘woe is me’ behaviour is concerning. You have both very quickly changed the narrative into you being a bad partner for not trusting him.

Be vigilant and for goodness sakes don’t allow him to play the victim here. There were plenty of red flags and HE was waving them!

Just checking in …. Did you manage to work things out with your DH ?

Hello ladies,
@Secondstart1001 @Elasticatedtrousers @MsDogLady thanks for your last comments. I certainly feel a bit better and I’ve been doing therapy as I mentioned. I am working through things. I def think my concerns were justified and that his behaviour did come across as shady. However, at this point I have no hard evidence of anything and I am choosing to accept that my concerns were not true as far as the evidence presents itself. I have no smoking gun as such, it’s all circumstantial. Therefore, I am choosing to work on my marriage and my communication. I cannot be responsible for my husbands communication, I can only be responsible for how I am communicating within the marriage. So I am trying my best to do that. I have forgiven myself for being suspicious because as I say, his behaviour did warrant it. So, I no longer feel guilt or take 100% blame. And as you have said, I will remain vigilant because I’m positive that if anything was/is going on, it will eventually be revealed to me. Until that time, I’m going to carry on doing my best for my family. Thanks for checking in.

Hope it all works out for you. He is lucky to be with you.