Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

My DP asks me when he looks over my shoulder and sees the name of a man he doesn't recognise in my chats. I don't mind. I have nothing to hide and I can't blame the question. I work in an industry where colleagues get friendly so I often meet people at work, get to know them through the years at events, and might occasional message if we're going to the same thing or working on similar projects. Sometimes it's the number of school dads I've arranged play dates or birthday party invites with.

If I thought he wouldn't be honest, I'd definitely look at the messages to/from the mystery woman. You clearly want to look, and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. You'll get the usual mix of responses, but ultimately it's your life and your choice to make.

i haven't read through all the messages but you mentioned discord . It’s just a hunch but a lot of gamers use discord (including myself as my name suggests) . Does he spend a lot of time gaming? I only ask this as I do and chat to a lot of gaming pals male and female on messenger, discord etc but don’t have them as friends., I’m 60 , so gaming can appeal to any age in case you think it’s only younger ones I always tell my husband though if it’s on messenger , just to be totally transparent with him
I may be barking up the wrong tree but worth you checking this out .

We can all give you our thoughts and opinions but the only way you will find out for sure is to try and read the messages. Otherwise this is going to eat you up and make you feel like you are going mad! @TipsyJoker x

Yes of course, just read the messages when you get the chance, then you'll know either way.

She’s not a friend though. And he has never mentioned her to me. There’s a big difference. You are open and honest with your partner. Mine has kept her a secret. I haven’t snooped despite being sus for months. I am far from controlling. Don’t I have a right to know if my husband is acting inappropriately with another woman online? As I said, they’re not friends because her friends list is public and he’s not in it.

Might just be an old friend, I moved away in my teens when I met my DH and now nearly 18 years later I'm hitting middle aged nostalgia and reaching out to a lot of my old friends I lost contact with.

Many are male but nothing creepy. I'm happily married with 3 kids and they have all been very happy to tell me about their wives/girlfriends and kids etc... none of us live near each other anymore and we haven't physically seen each other in well over a decade. We just talk about old friends and gigs and parties we went to in our shared younger days etc...

I think life gets in the way and we lose touch with people without realising how long and then reach out again when we realize. Its not unusual.

I think you're going to have to look at the message detail now you've half snooped and seen them. You're suspicious and the only way to find out for sure is by looking deeper. The only alternatives is to keep it to yourself, but it'll eat away at you from inside, or ask him directly, but you probably won't be able to trust his answer anyway.

There are SO many explanations for this. I have in the past talked to colleagues who I haven't had added as a friend, or people from a hobby group, or countless other things.

You're ruining your own life by overthinking.

The only - and I mean only - two options you have are:

a) Completely forget about it, never mention it again and never touch his phone
or
b) Talk to him.

I would be looking at the messages to see what these are about. If it was you, what would he do if you were constantly messaging someone and being secretive with your phone?

I personally would try and take a look . I know people say “ if you have to do that you have no trust etc “ but - from experience - men will lie. The first thing he would do if he’s been up to anything would be delete the messages . Then you will never know .

If she’s 400 miles away , it’s unlikely to be a physical thing - but , if the messages are not anything you would find ok then you don’t know if he would ever do anything given the opportunity.

My husband cheated ( not a full affair but physically cheated , during a hard time in our marriage and a very long time ago now ) but I found a message that was very incriminating. He swore blind to me that I had got it wrong - and I questioned myself as what he said could have been right as it made sense . I messaged the woman and all she would say was that I needed to speak to him . He said he didn’t know why she had said that … then I messaged her and told her that he had told me everything. Before she replied , I didn’t tell him this but I told him that I would not let it go and at this point now whatever answer he gave me would determine the future of our marriage. I basically said that I would not stop until I found out the truth , that I knew what I believed and this was his chance to tell me - that there would be no other chance. At that point he told me everything. But he really tried to not . Later , in therapy , he said he ever intended for me to find out and wanted to do everything to stop me finding out as “ he should have to live with the guilt rather than me being hurt “ . He was very clear that he would never have told me .

The woman did reply and said that she never knew he was married and she was sorry . However , the incriminating message proved that she did know .

I don't buy into 'Ask to see his phone, and his response will tell you everything you need to know'. It will only tell you if he's got something to hide; it won't tell the whole story. The deceit could range from mild flirtation to the divorcing-you-for-her-plan, and you'll never know which it was.

Take a look. Could all be entirely innocent.

Just read them if you can and then you know. Permission granted 🤗

Because he’s been hiding this relationship and if I ask I’m pretty certain he will say it’s nothing or deny any wrongdoing. But if it’s innocent, why has he never mentioned her to me? He has other female friends I’m aware of and I don’t care. It’s the fact that she’s a stranger and they’re not even fb friends. It seems off to me.

It could be competely innocent. I was once on a facebook group for a something I am heavily involved in. As is the way with forums, it can get quite cliquey and political. It became split among two factions with opposing views and lots of debate and disagreement ensued, insults were hurled etc.

The admin /moderator upset a lot of people by abusing his power to silence the faction that he didn't agree with, and for allowing those he did agree with to break the group rules with impunity. I was quite vocal on that group and I ended up with several people regularly PMing me to cheer me on from the sidelines, and just to grumble about the hypocrisy of the way the group was run. Two of these people were men who ended up messaging me quite regularly and there were lots of messages back and forth. The conversation was never about anything other than the group politics but I did decide I should show them to my husband just in case he got the wrong end of the stick.

An ex maybe? I’d totally be checking. He’s bound to let his guard down at some point and leave it somewhere unlocked, surely.

yes it could but why wouldn’t he ever mentioned her to me, his wife?

Definitely ask him or look at the messages. Don't waste your energy wondering; find out. I think it's odd and suspicious, but there are explanations that could mean it's not an affair. But no way you can know unless you take action.

Because he dies not want you to know about her.
That's literally the only reason.
And yes, I'd be reading his messages. Privacy be damned.

Just read the messages already. You won’t rest otherwise. But I would say this is a massive sign the relationship is over.

He doesn’t take his phone to the bathroom for a pee does he?? That would be some serious multi tasking 🤔

I would need to look at his phone if it was me…

If you were to ask him outright would you be able to gauge if he’s lying or not by his reaction alone?

@TipsyJoker, I absolutely would investigate their messages. He has changed his behavior— his phone is now glued to his hand and he has altered his settings to block transparency.

You need to know the truth, but he will gaslight if you ask him. Check his phone, @TipsyJoker.

In this situation yes I would read the message to confirm if not it will continue to eat at you and possibly lead to other issues in your relationship anyway.

Me and my spouse have access to both our phones but we're not checking on each other but I sure will check if I am given a reason to distrust my spouse and I would expect the same from my spouse if I am giving any reason to distrust me.