Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

because he's not boring you with every single minute detail about every person he is in contact with, or is he?

That's insane, it must be suffocating.

I’d be checking if you can get away with it without being found out. But be prepared for what you find :-/

I really don’t think so. He’s self employed but off work sick for a while.

Does he buy or sell on Marketplace? I've got loads of Messenger chats with people I don't know because of Marketplace. I've been known to browse / buy when I've been visiting family in other areas too, so some are not in my local area.

This. The ops decided everything goes into exactly 2 categories, things her husband has told her, and SECRETS!!! Couldn’t possibly be anything as inane as just not telling her about every single person hes ever spoken to

Discord can be great for connecting people, but it's also an absolute minefield of cheating spouses. I'd check them, but then talk to him about what you did and why you felt that way regardless of what's there. It sounds like you need a chat either way.

No he doesn’t sell anything on fb and he works from home. I’m pretty confident it’s purely online and they’re never met.

It could be but if he is, I don’t know about it. And if he was, wouldn’t they just chat on there instead of fb?

Is he a "gamer", I mean does he play on XBox or whatever?

Add her on fb

please just check his phone, it’s the only way you’re going to get answers

I think you should read the messages because this will eat you up if you don’t. Yes there could be plenty of innocent explanations, but now you have these thoughts you’ll be suspicious until you know.

You should trust your gut with this. With my ex, I noticed little things, like changing his WhatsApp to disappearing messages, glued to his phone, secretive with it, turning off message previews then insta notifications, like you just said with your on messenger, and refusing to add me to his social media. I saw a message with kisses and love heart emojis pop up from a female name when he was holding his phone in front of me for which he gave the most convoluted ridiculous explanation for, refused to show me his phone then a month later someone contacted me and told me he was having an affair with this person and showed me proof.

Not saying this is what is going on with your H as others have said could be a friend from gaming, phishing scams or anything really but I think you need to check to at the very least put your mind at rest. The months I noticed these little things and felt something was off, the not knowing really affected me and ate me up. Not a nice place to be in.

You don't know there's any relationship. I don't tell my husband "a man named John Doe contacted me on Facebook at 4pm to say I can pick the dogs up, and then that's what I did". And I'm not friends with John Doe on Facebook, but there he is at the top of my messages.

Check his phone. It's enough to raise suspicions and if you think he won't be honest with you, just take a look and put your mind at ease (or not). At least you'll know either way.

How are you going to look though, when he is glued to it?

Just ask him. Literally, he’s your husband and you’re suspicious so just ask him - you won’t find out any other way.
Assuming you know her full name from FB, I’d catch him off guard in the kitchen one morning, just say ‘DH, who’s Ashley Maddison?’ do it F2F no TV on etc.
His instant reaction will probably tell you a lot.

I think the answer is to sit down with him and say that you need to talk to him and it is not an easy conversation to have but can he please hear you out before he says anything. I would then ask him where his mobile is and for him to put it on the table, along with yours and then begin to tell him what has happened and your concerns. Then you can say that if it is ok with him you would like to look at his phone now and that, if that is ok with him then, you take a look and that if it isn't ok with him that is all you need to bolster any suspicions.

What happens next will then need to be decided.

Don't ask him he will lie. As he hasn't mentioned her there's obviously something to hide even if just mild flirting. If you ask him he'll lie and next thing phone will be guarded etc.

Just snoop. Read the messages and either put your mind at rest or it will let you know if there's sexting going on. The unlikeliest of people do it. Even if she's 400 miles away you've no idea if she has family or work nearby that she visits.

Snoop. Do it.

They could have met off Kik, Reddit or a website, and 400 miles, while a long way, I have known to be doable for an affair.

I would 100% read the messages. I would have read them already.

Look now.
If it's nothing then he may be pissed off for a short time for the snooping.
And if it is something you can stop it before things get out of hand. It will be better for both of you in the long-term that way. I should know I was on the wrong side of this and so wish it was found out early and stopped before it turned into a humongous mess.

I would look at his phone in this scenario.

If it was my husband I would just ask, his response would let me know if there was anything I needed to be worried about. Better to ask and know, than to be wondering, if he lies or says something you don't feel is right then that's your que to challenge further or leave. You know him better than we do as to how he will respond if it's innocent x

They might be friends on FB but he's got her listed under a different name (yes, I know, that opens up a whole other issue of why).

Might explain why he's never mentioned this particular person's name but maybe mentions her by her real name.

How do you know she's 400 miles away (I know you said you snooped but if it's a fake name...)

I'd read the messages.

I don't use Messenger so I don't know - does it show the number of messages/that it's regular conversation, or just that there has been contact?

If it's the latter, could he have bought something by FB marketplace? That's how dh arranged a recent purchase. Person not on his friends list and no mutual friends/workplace.

Honestly all these people saying just ask him. He's hardly likely to admit to, for example, meeting her on a hook up site or similar. He will gaslight and say the op is paranoid and its just an old colleague he's been supporting.

Who gives a rat's ass about snooping, he lost the right to privacy when he messaged a women constantly without even mentioning her name to you. Very odd.