Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

There is a relationship expert, name escapes me right now, who said that you can instantly know the health of your relationship by asking your partner to see their phone.

If they refuse they have something to hide. It might not be an affair as such but they are being deceitful in some way.

Of course! That would be the first thing I'd do.

No, a lot of people do that to send things to themselves. I do it all the time to send links to myself of reminders of presents to buy people or what to pick up from the shop.

In that case yes just read the messages you already have a problem so trust your gut. Remember if your unhappy with message take photos as he will probably delete them then gaslight you - if it was nothing he would have already told you and not hidden it. Please trust your gut and i agree with you if you ask he could lie as he already is

Can you ask him while he’s holding his phone? If he doesn’t show you there and then of course you’ll know he’s going to delete anything incriminating before he’ll show you in which case you have your answer. Especially if he does offer it to you an hour later or so. Just brazen it out - “H I’ve noticed messages popping up on your Lock Screen and it’s making me feel concerned that something is going on that I wouldn’t like. Can you reassure me please by showing me your FB messages to and from xx?” And then sit there and look at his face while reacts. Either he shows you there and then or he blusters and makes excuses about why he isn’t going to show you. At which point you can say that you don’t need to see them as his reaction has proved that there are messages that would bother you, so you can only assume your suspicions are correct. Then ask him when he plans to move out.

Seriously - just a message with a girls name and you would end a marriage!!!

I'd check the phone if I felt the way you do. Sounds like it will drive you mad until you have an answer.

My ex travelled 170 miles (one way) for a one night stand 🤷🏻‍♀️

The trouble with that tactic is they usually come over all "I can't believe you'd imply that! How dare you??!" And leave the room so although it would tell her something, it wouldn't give her the clarity she's after.

Either check the phone or ask him outright to hand it to you. You’re not going to have peace of mind until you do. None of us can know what’s going on. Could be something, could be nothing.

Yes it’s an invasion of privacy, no getting around that. But if it’s having a negative effect on your relationship it needs to be resolved. It will either put your mind at rest or it will be something you need to take action on. But at least you’ll know.

but that wouldn't be enough fuel for the drama, you are being far too sensible.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing
I don’t want to read any of his other messages.

so much better to make up full novels about it, isn't it

Trust your gut. Years ago I checked my dh phone when a text came through, he’d forgotten to take it to work - I found messages which showed an emotional affair, I was devastated. I trusted him 100%, would have literally bet on my life that he would never ever ever cheat. But I was wrong. I honestly think the majority of men would, simply due to the male ‘culture’ banter and so on, and the fact that their brains are just wired very differently to womens. They feel physically loved whereas women feel emotionally loved. Not excusing their infidelity at all I must point out. But, trust your gut.

It might be something or it might not. I have a few Facebook messages from people I don't know, I'm a freelancer and for some reason they decided to contact me there rather than my website or LinkedIn. Could it be something like that?

Ask him. Don't say anything about how you know the name, or what you know. Just ask 'Who's Jane Doe?' and then say nothing and see what he says and how he reacts.

I would look.

But then he has the chance to gaslight and then cover his tracks.

Read the messages and find out the truth yourself, don’t rely on him to tell you.

Which is less than half of 400. And the op says she knows he hasn’t physically cheated.

Exactly why I'm happy DH & I share both of our phones to the point we answer each others calls if one of us is in the shower. We have no secrets from each other so why shouldn't we. If you suspect something OP then go ahead & look then confront him. It must be a horrible feeling to live with this thought until you know either way.

Does he buy or sell anything on Facebook Marketplace? They could be messaging about an item he or she has for sale.

Does he work away or travel for work? They could have met on a train or in a hotel bar?

It could be lots of things. If you’re suspicious, ask him who is she, his reaction should tell you.

Always trust your gut.

I find it odd that your partner has her saved under her full and real name if something dodgy is going on? You've obviously been able to pull quite a bit of info from the brief glance you saw?
Personally, I'd sneak a glance at the phone if this has been going on for months. Otherwise you hand him the opportunity to delete anything he shouldn't have.

If she asks him and it’s nefarious then he will simply deny and delete and then she won’t have access to it.

Old girlfriend I'm thinking.

Or something as innocent as a marketplace enquiry.

It has been months. Time to do something about this?

If you don’t think it’s a work/FB contact - could he on forums, sex forums etc?

Ask him. I don't think spying on his phone is a good idea. Just ask him, who's X? I've seen her messages pop up over your shoulder. You've never mentioned her.

How he reacts to that question will tell you everything you need to know. If he reacts in a way that makes it obvious he's lying or hiding something, ask him to see his phone. If he won't, or if he gets angry, you have your answer. In which case you can say, okay, that's all I needed to know. We're over.

You don't need 'proof' - you just need to be able to trust your husband. And if you can't, then the relationship is finished.

Personally I would check just those messages from her. If there is evidence probably best to find it first and then regroup on your own and then plan how to ask him about it so that he cannot get out of it. Carefully and calmly ask, leaving it open to him to be honest and if he isnt then you can deal with that then.

Yes in some ways its invading privacy, however he has aroused your suspicions.

Is there a way you can walk in on him messaging or whilst sitting together on the sofa if he 'turns his phone away' say who are you messaging? He will potentially lie and say Bob. Then when you check his phone and bring this up to him he may do the classic having a go at you for checking his phone, you can then say say 'the other day when I asked who you were messaging, you said Bob and I could see it was Lucy. You lied to me so I checked your phone. Adding to this you have been taking your phone to the toilet with you, this is really odd behaviour, you hid something from me and lied to me'