Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

Probably a friend made from an online streaming platform.

Had a friend who had a similar situation where her partner had mads friends with women from other side of the world.

Essentially was an e-affair but they worked through as, while upsetting, there wasn't a psychical affair.

You need to do something otherwise you won’t be able to stop thinking about it. He should be open to you if he’s chatting to a friend. I understand people are allowed privacy but I also think they should be upfront with their partners.

Reading the messages won’t provide you with all the answers. Plus, if you read them he’s immediately got you on the back foot. Better to say up front that you’ve seen the messages ask him to explain what they mean. Let’s face it, caught on the hop he’ll have to be an accomplished liar to invent an explanation to such a strange setup.

Just look at the messages

As long as you are absolutely aware -looking-ie read messages may or may not reveal what you want to know. Given your screming gut-and suspect ask without look = delete,anger and secrecy-id look.

I speak to a few people on messenger who I'm not friends with. Some are from a hobby group. Some are potential work suppliers. Others are travel agents, sellers of stuff I want etc

Is it possible he is buying something from Facebook market place from her?

On messenger if you're not friends with the person I thought messages were into the message request folder- spam or someone eyou may know but aren't FB friends with. So he would have known her somehow to message? Otherwise messages from unknowns can sit for weeks if you see what I mean. Hope that makes sense,am dosed up on painkillers! And also I'd read them. Weird he has changed his settings that's a red flag...

I would definitely read the messages as soon as you get the chance. Like you say, if you ask him outright he's only going to deny it.

I get quite a few creepy men sending messages on messenger from different parts of the country who I'm not friends with on FB. I think it depends what your settings are on but plenty of men/women see someone they like the look of online and get chatting that way.

For me, the most suspicious part is how secretive he's being with his phone and changing it so no names pop up. Also your gut instinct telling you something is off when you've previously trusted him. Sadly, women's intuition is usually correct when it comes to this sort of thing. Social media has just made it far too tempting for people to cheat even if they wouldn't actively go looking for an affair in real life.

Hi OP I was in a similar situation. I stupidly asked to see and he went the denying and deleting way.

that’s most likely what will happen if you ask and then you’ll spend a year to two never knowing the truth whilst he hides things better.

if I could go back in time I would of searched his phone at the time without letting him know I was suspicious.

he left a year later and within months in a relationship with her yet claims nothing happened. Don’t be like me OP you are married with kids screw the his privacy stuff. You saw something and he’s been shifty hiding stuff that’s warrants it I don’t care what people say what this does to one’s mental health is horrendous.

If he’s already trying to hide it that’s not a good sign to him being likely to be honest with you about the situation.

Yeh, agree with pp, if you confront him now, then you'll be in the same position as you are now, feeling like you can't do anything without proof.

Say nothing and continue to dig.

I would 100 per cent read the messages. I don't know how you've resisted for so long. Furtive behaviour is always worrying. Good luck!

In my experience, I met someone who turned out to be in a relationship on a weekend away - he was on a stag weekend (not his!) & I was on a girly weekend. We weren’t fb friends and wouldn’t have a connectable trace other than having met once. We didn’t speak on fb, only Snapchat. So could it be someone he’s met irl - holiday/business trip?

I would read it. Probably others would disagree but you will not be able to rest until you do.

If you find he has been having an affair, make sure you have proof. Don't confront him there and then, gather everything you need i.e bank statements, as much cash as you can hide, stock up on clothing and footwear for this coming winter for the children, but the Christmas presents, fill the cupboards and then confront him when you are ready.

Sorry off topic.

Did anyone else read the thread title “who is she??!!!” In the voice of Nikki Grahame (god rest her soul).

Old girlfriend who moved away? Might have different surname if married.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP, it must be really stressful and anxiety inducing.

I'd try to ask about who that is at first through a light passing comment (if not tried already) where he can't sense you being upset. But given this scenario you've described I also think there's a high chance he's hiding something and won't be truthful in response.
Is it possible he's messaging an old friend from school or something? I have plenty of friends from school or uni of the opposite sex (without a romantic history) and a lot of us live far away from each other and don't see each other often.

If I wasn't happy with my DH response to a light probing, passing question like the above then, (I'm not proud of this) I would go in to his phone to have a look at the messages given the circumstances.

I checked my DP’s phone once and in five minutes I had the truth. Do it.

Emotional affairs can be as damaging as physical ones. I'd snoop op. My ex had an EA and it was soul destroying. I'd rather he'd have had a drunken shag than spend months ploughing emotional energy into someone else

Or you could simply ask to borrow his phone to google something as yours has no battery and take a Quick Look?

I don’t think so. I just scanned through my last 40 messenger conversations - 13 of them are with people I am NOT Facebook friends with. All completely innocent.

Could it not be from Facebook marketplace? I have toms of messages from random people that have come through on the messenger side rather than the marketplace section.

I absolutely would check. Its the only way you are going to know for sure.

I really think this is nothing. I've just checked my messenger and on the first page are 5 men's names my husband wouldn't know. 2 for services (dog kennels and groomers), 2 from a (private on FB) hobby group, and 1 man that wanted to send me photos of his dog dressed up (he approached me while I was on a walk with mine in matching jumpers 😅).
If you feel like you need to read the messages for piece of mind then do.

Just ask him!