Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

By the way, you are going to get loads of people commenting who have only read your OP and asking questions which have been answered already or not understanding the US context, which can get a bit frustrating!

What you dint seem to realise is the wife is offering NO compromise. Give up everything the whole family benefits from for the possibility^^ she may be happier in the city.

Everything else you said just apply to her. So selfish of hr to want him to work longer, dd to lose constant contact with grandparents, to live in a worse house, to have pay huge up 401k, health insurance and benefits. You aren't American are you. Everyone who has knowledge of the US is saying no way. You increase how important 401k and health insurance is.

@conflictedhubby0622 my df was like your dw.
Moved us all over the UK, different schools every two years. He was never happy, there was always a better job, a better place to live. Horrible for dc.
He’s in his 90’s now, still selfish and depressed because he can’t live his nomadic lifestyle anymore.

Don’t give up your job op. Your dw has been given a list of compromises.
Nine years will fly by.

OP you don't need to keep explaining the same things over and over again. The people who can't be arsed to read your posts have no interest in offering advice, so just ignore them.

How did you leave things after the latest conversation with your wife? She seems to have admitted she doesn't actually want to move to the city, so did she come up with another idea?

So she wants something she can’t have - her career as a travel nurse travelling everywhere, great job blah blah but still wants to be with her child? Ok, well she has the answer to that - the local job she already has, which is well-paid and near her child with free childcare.

She needs to buck up her ideas. She has a good life but she’s determined to be miserable. I bet you anything that if you did what she said, she’d still moan. Her own mother admits she’s ‘restless’. She needs to grow up; think about her family; and appreciate all that she’s got. She should also concentrate on making friends with her colleagues. I very much doubt they’re all horrible.

it’s her attitude she needs to change not her location.

What's it got to do with you if he is happy to engage and reply? And I did read all his updates. I still think it's weird she didn't know because I don't think the reasons are good enough. And saying you will share assets when the relationship is sweet is well and good but it's not a prenup. Just because someone answered something doesn't mean it can't be brought up or questioned again. It's not up to you to censor the conversation.

I've read the full thread, and hats off to you OP for your forbearance in repeatedly explaining everything.

Fundamentally I believe the two of you are incompatible. You sound like a security focused home body who goes away often because that's what your DW wants to do. I'd say you would be crazy to give up your rockstar pension, free family childcare and big house.

She sounds more like she is pining a lost lifestyle than a realistic want. I'm not sure how all of her current workmates can be so dreadful, and it feels like she is just someone who craves variety and with a baby DC they thrive best with stability.

Sorry as I have read the whole thread, but it feels like you need counselling- or has she rejected that already?

It sounds like you’re on some sort of FIRE drive?

Usually when somewhere is very cheap to live, it’s because nobody wants to live there. What is your neighbourhood like, honestly? Is there anywhere nice to go with the baby? Fun things to do at the weekend? What are the people like?

@conflictedhubby0622 When do you sleep?

I am going to summarise what I think has happened.

Ops DW had a great job as a travelling nurse which meant she didn't really spend so much time in their house or area, she was flying from one place to another and this really suited her character and personality.

She became pregnant unexpectedly, and op has reassured her if she goes ahead with the pregnancy he will take care of her (not so much that he will not hold her to the pre nup) but enough to keep her in his house.

She has had the baby, it is a total shock to her system. Her wings are now clipped, as she loves the baby too much to leave her but misses her old life terribly.

Her new job - the only one available in the backwater that is their small town is awful and she is very unhappy there.

Having spent so much time in their house, and in the area she now realises how limiting and awful it is - and wants out. I suspect her mother has moved closer to try and support her as much as possible. I think things are much worse than op is suggesting on here. I would imagine she must be feeling quite desperate.

He talks endlessly about numbers and money, she talks about the sheer absence of happiness and fulfilment.

Given the absolutely stupidity of the laws and rules in Indiana that you can't move 20 miles away without the other parent signing their agreement, she is basically trapped in a deadwater. As the op will not agree to allow her to move to a city.

The reason why op is keen to stay - he has the house, the land, the job, the gold plated pension, the savings and investments and now the baby and wife tethered to this terminal life, and he does not want to give an inch of it up - or even compromise. She has nothing.

He is going to try and make her wait for ten years. By that time the child will be eleven, and odds on it is going to be harder to leave then....I am sure op hopes his wife will just get used to it.

I would leave and take my chances if I were her, she is dying slowly in that place anyway. What op is doing is very unethical. He has a solution, he could easily afford a small city house, but he doesn't want to compromise, so he won't. This would be a dealbreaker for most marriages, we are not talking about two years of sticking it out, but ten years she has to endure it for.

It is too long. Way too long to be so unhappy.

If you loved her op, you would run with the city crash pad and make the compromise. The fact you are unwilling to do so tells me your relationship is transactional, just like everything else in your life I suspect.

I've been in your wife's position. Your marriage won't survive this, you need to find a way to move.
Your post is all about how great where you are now is for you. But its destroying your wife.

Nailed it.

It’s difficult but agree that your wife is missing her life and thinks the move will fix it. Not sure it will and I wouldn’t move on that basis.

I would ask her to go for counselling together, she needs to feel heard but this impacts the whole family, including her mother who moved. What’s she’s suggesting detrimentally impacts everyone but her so she must be able to see is not doable— she wants everything good she has now but living somewhere which means it isn’t achievable . No travel or early retirement. She would still be unhappy And skint. Recipe for disaster

Who is everyone? We are talking about op and his wife. The baby is too young to care and the mother can choose what she likes for her own life.

So we are talking about op and his wife. Thats it.

A city could offer culture, music, friendships and a whole life beyond the backwater she is currently in. The fact the company will not pay out a pension unless you complete x amount of years tells us everything we need to know about the kind of place it is. They are virtually holding their employees to ransom to keep them working there! What kind of place does that? Somewhere with nothing to offer.

They wouldn't need to travel if she had a full life.
They don't need to retire at 42! Which is ridiculously early.

I think she would be far happier with a greater access to better jobs and career advancement. So I am championing op staying where he is, and the wife and baby working in the city - and splitting their lives between the two. Job done.

Op has nothing to lose by trying this, because if he doesn't, he might wake up one day and they might not be there...

I'm a bit unclear why some of the commenter think the pre-nup is designed to to totally fuck over the wife?

@Hummingbird75

I think she would be far happier with a greater access to better jobs and career advancement. So I am championing op staying where he is, and the wife and baby working in the city - and splitting their lives between the two. Job done.
It would make more sense for the child to stay with the OP where there are grandparents that help than with the wife which would mean any financial gain will be eaten up by childcare. She won't do this. Because she doesn't want to miss out on being with the child. It's all about her isn't it. She wants. She doesn't want. What about what the OP wants and frankly what about what's sensible.

@Hummingbird75 if you read the rest of OPs posts, the wife is being given a lot of options and doesn’t want any of them. What she needs is some counselling or therapy from someone not invested in the situation to figure out what she actually wants. Oh and there was no “choosing to keep the baby” when she found out at 6 months gone and with the termination laws in Indiana.

A telling part is that OP says her city friends have no DCs. Even if she moved to the city with or without her DC, she is still going to be different from her friends.

It sounds like she may well be depressed. I know she won't consider joint counselling but would she be open to solo counselling or therapy OP ?

@Hummingbird75 she has been offered this by the op and doesn’t want it. She has admitted that she she can’t get what she wants life style wise living in the ‘city’. Read the op’s posts.

This isn't a criticism of your response, just an observation, but the grass is always greener isn't it.

I live in an expensive city near London, can't afford to buy, rent centrally for transport links etc, and it's a great city with a suburban feel, but I still dream of moving somewhere rural where a large house and space is affordable and a real possibility.

Whereas my mum grew up in those circumstances and desperately wanted to move to a big city, and still doesn't understand how people can be happy outside metropolitan areas.

Sometimes happiness needs to be what you make from what you have, and looking outwardly and constantly thinking, if x was like this then I would finally be happy.... Well, it's not a good way to live at all.

I think what clearly needs resolving is OP's wife's sudden leap into motherhood, and all of that fall out. Anxious people have a tendency to want to run away or escape and assume everything would be better under different circumstances. Truth is, the problems will just follow you.

It sounds like in your later years you'll be rolling in more money than you will know what to do with, with inheritance, your 401K, pension etc.

So instead of saving loads now, what about talking to your employers about both going part time, or working hybrid (remote 1 day a week) and living part time in the city? Get an apartment and live there Thursday night to Monday morning. Give it a trial for 6 months. Presumably you'll still get to keep most of your benefits but you kind of get the best of both worlds.

(Although it does sound like you're either working or travelling pretty much every weekend as it is.)

Okay I do disagree with you here.

I don't think anyone was coerced into having a child; in a marriage/romantic relationship there is obviously a chance of pregnancy. They found out late which is neither OP or his wife's fault, it just is what it is.

And the thing is, you say he is not willing to compromise at all, but this is a very binary decision. He either keeps his job or he doesn't, there is no other choice between those 2. Yes he can find another job, but he has listed the many sensible reasons why he would not want to do that, and as a parent of a young child I would also choose this stability.

It's also fairly unusual and extreme to just suggest that a family live completely apart and split the child between them. It's surely a highly undesirable option, and what would the logistics of that be with both parents working full time? It really doesn't make much sense and to suggest it as some kind of easy and obvious solution doesn't either. What about the emotional impact on the child, what about infant feeding, what about schooling? So many things to think about that would be negatively impacted by this set up.

Even though baby's grandparents and support network are currently all in the area they live in now (and her mum actually moved there to be closer to them!)? So who is going to watch that baby 5 days a week whilst mum is at work in the city?

@conflictedhubby0622

From what you said about her mum saying "she always wants something more than what she's got" (i.e. a grass is always greener character), I'm going to assume that even if you did move to the city, she wouldn't be happy.

To be honest she sounds depressed and like she's trying to find a magic "cure" to be happy again... There are far more issues at play here than your location / jobs...

He's an engineer at a power plant. How do you suggest he does that from his apartment in the city???