Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

It’s not a ridiculous idea…some engineering roles are not hands on despite the name.

I agree with those suggesting some counselling for her as a way to figure out what she really wants and cone to terms with the huge changes in her life.

Her life has changed drastically over the last two years. In 2022 she was childfree and pursuing her career as a travel nurse, which she clearly loved. Suddenly, everything changed with an unplanned pregnancy discovered at a late stage and an abrupt end to that career path. It’s not surprising that she’s confused and wondering what to do with her life, tbh. I imagine she has visions of being stuck at the local hospital for the rest of her career, which must seem very depressing if she’s not enjoying it.

Are there any other medical practices in your town, OP? Pediatricians usually have nurse-practitioners, for example, she might prefer something like that.

All of this has happened since she found out she was pregnant. It was late on in the pregnancy, so she didn't have as long as most people to adjust. Then there is suddenly a baby and you can't be spontaneous any more. She probably had to go back to work much earlier than most people in UK do too. She needs time and probably therapy to get her head around all this. I know she doesn't want to do joint therapy, but will she see a doctor by herself? She must feel like a bird that had the whole sky amd now has her wings clipped and in a cage.

As an aside, this is a fascinating insight into American finances and employment. I had to google pto. Why do you take all your sick leave? Surely it is only meant for when you are ill? If you need to be in the pension employment for 20 years, what is to stop employers from firing everyone when they have done 19 years and keeping the cash? Why do employers pay into a 401k and a pension? Aren't they the same thing?

Agree.

Wife was fine with her situation before baby arrived. She seems to be hankering after her old life and that’s understandable but unsustainable. The answer isn’t to just uproot the family, take the child away from her grandparents and throw away a stable future.

She cant take the options because she will be gulty of uprooting the family, which the husband is very good on doing- "I support her, but all the options are shit except for the one that benefits me above all"- and ahe knows it, and knows that there are strings attached to his 'geerous' proposals and that she will be blamed for taking them.

No- she knows what she is proposing is not possible- financially. She is aware of this. She wants her lifestyle and disposable income whilst living in the city. She knows this is not possible. She likes the perks that having all the disposable income brings. She does not want to give that up and she doesn’t want to downsize and be poorer but she doesn’t want to live a life stuck because she has a baby. She needs to seek counselling- possibly for PPD but certainly needs to have some.

Your wife is giving the vibes of someone who is not happy unless they are unhappy. Has this been caused by PND however you did mention her mum said she always thinks the grass is greener on the other side so maybe not.

It sounds like counselling/doctor is probably the best course of action for her - counselling can be done online if there is no one she trusts in your town. But she needs to be open to exploring solutions for that to work, not just complain.

I think the fact you took the time to find a women's forum, created an account, and engaged with 15+ pages of posts shows you are really trying to understand what you can do and are willing to engage with different points of view to resolve things.

@conflictedhubby0622

I just sat down with her for over an hour and talked to her. I asked her what it is she wants because every time I make suggestions, she shoots it down. She said she misses being a travel nurse but can’t do it anymore because she doesn’t want to leave our daughter and it would not be logistically possible to her childcare for her when she’s on the road if she were to take her. She also Saadi she didn’t want to separate her from me or her grandparents. I asked her if she would be happy in the city and she said that financially it would not be worth it as an extra she would make would go towards added expenses and our daughter would be scared in daycare and she didn’t want to do that to her
So she knows she's being completely unreasonable

The baby is here and can't be sent back. It is what it is.

There is nothing extreme about having a city pad and a country house, families all over the world operate like this perfectly well. Op just doesn't want to. He has the money don't forget.

We had a city house and a weekend home, and it was a fabulous set up - and the best of both worlds. We had a wonderful life. They are not being 'separated' but each are following their own career and dreams and spending tons of time together as well. This is the very best of marriages - those that blend both sides to make a really great life for all of them.

The child can go to school in the city, and spend the holidays in the country. This will be hugely beneficial to them, they will experience the culture and sophistication (and better schools I imagine in the city) and some country living in the school holidays. By then they will be almost towards the end of op's working stint in the middle of nowhere, and can start to plan ahead.

This is all about solutions, and wanting to find one that works for everyone.
But you have to actually want to find a solution rather than just railroading someone into your own vision of a perfect life - and I sense that is where op is at. He wants his wife to stay there for a decade, with the baby and do exactly what he wants and what best suits him and his financial planning.

But life isn't like that.

His wife is entitled to decide this does not suit her any longer and look for a change, she is her own person, with her own career, vision and dreams.

I cannot imagine anything worse as a child than to live in 2 totally different areas each week.

No time to see school friends at the weekend, and nowhere to build up friendships at the weekend. So unsettling.

No it works really really well - and does for thousands of families. Children will often have friends in both places. They see their school friends for playdates in term time, and their country friends in the holidays. I loved it! Of course they can spend time in the city in the holidays too, if they wish. It is a fabulous lifestyle.

This is a wife whom is distressed and very unhappy in their current set up - it is likely to end in divorce anyway, so this is a much better option of at least keeping the family together.

I'd be really worried that even if you did everything your wife wanted, you'd give up so much and she would still be unhappy. I would definitely want her to have some counselling first.

You've made a number of suggestions that your wife has knocked back. The only feasible compromise seems to be accept a bigger mortgage, move half way between a larger centre and your job so you both have longer commutes than being fully one way or other.

Your wife misses her travelling job but doesn't want to leave your child to take it up again. She's in a common position of parents (often it does seem to be mothers that end up in this position) where you have to accept that you can't have it all and choices have to be made. I know I'm not in my ideal career and aren't going to reach the potential I could because I don't want to make the sacrifices required as far as time with my children. We can't have it all often.

Another idea is that maybe your wife could go part-time and spend three days in the city in a job she likes better, minimising time apart from your child. There's going to have to be some give and take on both sides.

It’s a tricky situation and it does sound like your wife is really suffering but in my opinion it would be absolutely crazy for you to move job with the financial situation. I think she has to make the best of what is available to her for the next 9 years until your pension matures…either work in a lower paid job or retrain & work in something else for a while. Your daughter will not be a baby for long and she may find it easier to leave her for longer. And in 9 years you can move anywhere. Think she just has to grit her teeth and get on with it.

@Hummingbird75 he has said he wife doesn’t want a small city pad. It has been offered to her.She wants a big one- she can’t have that. She wants what she cannot have. She has also admitted that any increase in salary from city work would be pretty much meaningless once child care fees had been paid.
what she wants is the same size house, same standard of living as she has now but in the city. She does not want to down grade, she does not want to forfeit the financial benefits she has now.mshe wants what she cannot have. It’s that simple.

Well there is the compromise for her, she has a SMALL city pad, they keep the country house and op's job. Mother, baby and granny can enjoy the city for a few nights a week and she can work in a place she is happy.

They can enjoy weekends in the country.
Op can join his wife on wfh days if he wants to.

Job done!

@Hummingbird75 that would be a sensible compromise except she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want any compromise offered to her.

I think she would go for that if offered, is my sense.
They would all enjoy it, especially the child as they grow older, a backwater is no fun for them either.

Granny has a job. Granny can't provide childcare in the city. OP and wife would have to pay for childcare. Plus a lot of nursing jobs involve working weekends and sometimes nights. That's pretty much impossible with a child without a partner or family to provide childcare.

Taking the child on her own to the city is not going to work.

So they must have childcare already, so a different arrangement in the city should be fine.

Their families provide them with free childcare. They won't have that in the city.

How can granny work if she is also providing childcare, and I don't remember seeing that op's family help with childcare.

Even if this was the case, they have the funds to change it, and they should. Spending ten years in abject misery is not the way forward, she will just end up leaving him and there is no guarantee what will happen then.

I dont think this is correct, she refused those compromises because she knows OP is putting the pressure on her and because she know they will end up being worse off financially, so OP is giving her a shitty choice- "I support you, but know you are making us worse off, fine, go get a better job, uproot us, take the kid away from granparents" and she does not want to take that responsibility. Many mothers end up giving up the dream because of being guilt tripped by selfish partners and fmailies and the wife will be no different. Love how OP tells her she needs ot wait 'only' 9 years in a place she hates as he is loving the life he is living. Very typical of women to tell other women to sacrifice their happiness because that is what women are supposed to do.

Spending ten years in abject misery is not the way forward, she will just end up leaving him and there is no guarantee what will happen then.

She might end up leaving him anyway , and then what?

Do you remember him saying his wife's mum provides childcare? No. Because he didn't say who is proving it. It could be a mix of them all. What he did say is that both of their families work full-time and wouldn't be able to go with them.

Every solution he has proposed she has said no to. She won't accept anything other than the three of them moving to the city. That is not a solution.