Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · Today 17:57
So sad truth is, you are different people who should not really get married nor have kids together- she wants to trave and have fun, you wanna sit on your sofa and count money

Chickennoodlesss · Today 19:11
Having followed this for couple days, I've changed my mind about the situation. I now think OP is only giving options he knows she won't go for as it's very clear he doesn't want to make any change and would likely not go through should his DW accept any of the proposals.
I don't think this thread was created so OP could understand how she feels.

Comments like this only illustrate what's going on / has gone on in PP's lives and seem to have liitle to do with the actual situation.

If OP is being totally honest........... it sounds like his wife is having trouble in not being able to do what she wants workwise - whilst wanting it all i.e. working when / how she wants whilst not being separated from her child, husband, support system, current life style.

Which actually sounds so much like the difficulty so many of us have in adjusting to an unplanned change in our lives - we want everything to remain the same while wishing it was different!

But, this has gone on for a year now and maybe OP's wife needs a little help and guidance through this - I'd be surprised if depression wasn't a part of it all.

If the OP is being absolutely honest...... I feel he's being incredibly patient and understanding - and loves his wife very much.

Have you shown this thread to your wife @conflictedhubby0622 ? - it may help her see things from a different - and unbiased - point of view

This is how I am reading it too. His wife wants to return to her travelling job but she doesn't want to leave her child. The two are not compatible and she can't have both. She needs to accept this and make a decision.

I have also done this sort of commute - well, even less at 2 hours each way and I do not recommend it at all. I recommend against it. And I imagine the older you get, the harder it is.

@Hummingbird75

His update says...She admitted to me last night that she wants to do travel nursing again but it’s not an option with our daughter. And I was honest with her that until our daughter is grown, it’s more than likely not going to be an option for her unless she is wants to leave our daughter here with me while she goes. Moving every 13 weeks and living a nomadic lifestyle is not really possible with a young child

Crux of the matter is that she wants something she knows she can't do. She won't leave the child. She can't take the child. The issue is one of maturity. She needs to grow up and accept that she has an impossible desire.

Moving to the city isn't a solution.
Perhaps in a year or 2 or 3 she will feel comfortable leaving the child but until then this is an issue she needs to resolve with a therapist.

Even her own mother says she's a grass is always greener person. She's not a 'fun' person. She's a scattered person and thus is very unhealthy for their child.

Me either. We actually did a major relocation as a family to escape that kind of commute. The kids never saw their father, he was exhausted, I was having to hold down the household all by myself and had no real choices because of the restrictions of the commute. It's not worth it and you give up too much.

It sounds like OPs wife has fallen into a life she didn’t really want. It’s no one’s fault. I can understand her feeling trapped, I feel a bit claustrophobic reading the lists of reasons why they can’t move.

I had a period where I realised we were never going to live back in my home county for several sensible reasons, but I still did a lot of drunken crying for about a year because I had an image in my heart of living a particular life somewhere and it was never going to be the life we lived. I hated living in a city.

Actually, in other ways I made a similar life in a different area by many many compromises between my husband and myself over a long period of time and now my life looks roughly similar to the image I had.

I feel for your wife, I remember how sad and trapped I felt. But I hope together you can find compromises and you can look back at how your marriage got stronger through this. Not what an inflexible arse you were.

None of this makes sense.

OP earns $120kpa and has been working for 11 years - his 401k contributions are therefore max $21.6k pa. So a pension pot of around $200k (it will have compounded but also assume he didn’t start on $120k given he’s unqualified). Another 9 years of contribs puts the pot at $430k and retiring at 42 that will have to last for 40+ years - nowhere near enough to travel AND pay health care and pay university fees for a kid. Their HHI may be high for Indiana but trips to nyc are not cheap.

also - you didn’t find out your wife was 6mo pregnant and “support a termination”. You live in Indiana! At best you had 20 weeks to terminate.

I would question whether your story is accurate (and therefore whether you have any understanding of your wife's issues) as none of what you have posted makes sense.

Your wife says she was prepared to make the sacrifices required to have a child. Now she's facing that reality, she's changed her mind. Your reasons for waiting 9 years seem absolutely valid to me. Every compromise you have suggested she refuses. Awful situation and someone is going to come out unhappy in the short term. But her solution screws you all in the long term. She needs to accept that the landscape has changed but that it's not forever. If she can't do that, I suspect there's much more going on with her than just geography. You might find your rip up your lives and future and she's still not happy.

He's a shit father for wanting to provide his daughter with a good life, a good future, and to be there with her? Um OK.

I can't believe how so many people can casually say "Fuck your pension and excellent family healthcare insurance. Move somewhere else where neither of you have any family, take a job where you'll earn half as much, pay at least twice as much on a mortgage on a much smaller property, fork out thousands of dollars on childcare and health insurance, forget about paying for your daughters future college fees, wedding, house deposite etc just to make your itchy-footed wife happy."

Even though it won't actually make her happy because the reason she is unhappy is that she has lost her freedom to motherhood.

Yes. And as someone who has been super grateful for the excellent insurance we have when our son developed a medical condition that has demanded a great deal of medical attention (we all think it won't happen to us, until it does), good medical coverage, especially in the US is so important to hold onto. Life is unpredictable.

Oh c'mon. He doesn't deserve those words. There are men out there who abandon their families and don't care.

@Scramabled
Have you read the full thread?
You really have a nasty streak.
The OP's wife wants the impossible. She needs counselling to come to terms with her life. She can't be a travel nurse and not leave her child. She needs to realise that the grass isn't always greener.

I can imagine! I can only assume that the people here disregarding that importance are people who have never had to think about it because of the NHS. I have a friend in the US who has $80k of debt from thyroid cancer treatment. That was after her insurance paid their part.

Are you British? Some of the turns of phrase you have used are not typical of American English.

Hope am wrong, but there seems to be plenty of threads, which I dont believe are actually real, like catfishing for attention.

Too many things do add up.

Could be wrong

Yes, often ones that find every way possible to make the woman seem unreasonable and the man seem perfect (but they never manage it in my view. I've met too many men in real life). Not saying this is one but it is a trend.

This 100%

Also, financial security is very very important, especially the older you get. Would be madness to give it up for some itchy feet feeling.

I hear you. Just to clarify, I totally think they should stay for 9 years so they don't lose OPs retirement fund.
I just think OP is comfortable where he is and probably won't be keen to take extra steps to move when the time comes. I just feel like he doesn't want any change now.
Can see if from both perspectives but solution is simple - make the best out of situations for the next 9 years and move afterwards. If I were his wife, I'd be worried he might say things like 'oh but your daughter is settled here now' after 9 years. I think it would help her greatly if she could feel secure knowing the OP will definitely move in the future.

Can't edit but autocorrect changed a few things eg it says 'your daughter ' instead 'our daughter '

if she wanted to terminate, we could have traveled to wherever to get the procedure. There are places in the US that performs later pregnancy terminations. We have the money and resources to do this. She did not want to terminate the pregnancy and I supported this.

I earn 135k base not including OT or bonuses. She makes 60-65k not including OT or bonuses. Our household income has never been below 225k except for last year because she went on maternity leave and I took 6 months of leave as well which was paid. All of our bills, including groceries, is less than 1200 a month. We tract all of our expenses and our annual spend-including bills,vacations, activities, going out to eat, etc is always right around 47k. After taxes, we normally bring home right at 13k a month or 156k a year. That’s also not including what we make with our side hustles like day trading and I will sometimes flip things on eBay. We both max out or 401ks which is 46k (23k each) and our IRAs (14k total). That leaves us with 96k cash left. Then take out our yearly expenses which includes our trips as well, we are still left with about 50k that we save and invest or do what we want with. Again, not including what we make with day trading which goes right into our daughters college fund (about 30k/year). My pension will pay out 4k a month starting at 20 years of service. Healthcare is completely free through my employers-not monthly premium, no deductibles, no copays, we pay nothing.

Your pension won’t pay out $4k pcm with only $400k of contributions. It simply won’t. It’ll be gone in 10-15 years if it does. I suggest you check your maths.

This has nothing to do with my life- but I understand from OPs words that this is what the situation is. As I said before, many of my friends/family friends are/were in the military. After retiring they discorver they are too different people and so many divorces happen. OP is clearly a very different person to what his wife thought he was, but now when she is stuck at home, she probably realises she is stuck in a very unhappy place with a man who is content curtain twitching, while she wants to travel and meet people. She probably did not realise until after having the baby how much she would be affected by being stuck at home and being unable to do what she loves. She is also quite young and does not want to wait another 10 years to do the stuff she wants to do. I am surprised at how many people think 9 years is nothing!!!

It's like when people tell you to slave away but that you will be able to travel when you retire- and then you get a cancer at 50 or die younger because of whatever other reason and you never get to do the stuff you always wanted.

It's so clear OP gives his wife options with a massive BUT hanging above every one that he does not prefer himself, and being a big earner he has so much more power over her, I feel sorry for her really.

The pension at my workplace works by paying X amount for X amount of time out in. 20 years of services pays out 4k a month, 25 years is like 4300 a month, 40 years is 8k a month, etc