Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

If she leaves him she leaves him. She still won't be able to take the child to the city with her.

Could you do the degree so you could work elsewhere and thrn money?

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue that is not how I have read the op’s posts. To give up his job would be facial suicide. She very much enjoys the benefits his salary and health insurance bring. She enjoys the house she designed . She enjoys the holidays. She knows if they lived to the city or even if he got her so where to stay in the city she would not be having the lifestyle she wants.
she gets to keep all her salary.
the grandparents all work so would not be able to be live in babysitters in the city and she would have to pay for childcare. She has admitted she would be no better if financially.
what it is is that she has found herself unexpectedly shackled because of the baby . I get that . It must be a huge shock if you are used to going where you want whenever you want . Her husbands job is providing very very important financial security for he and their child. Only an idiot would risk that

our family helps with childcare. The way all of our work schedules are, it works out that one of us always has our daughter so she doesn’t have to go to daycare. Example-her mom is also a nurse but just works the weekends so she watches her while we work during the week when our schedules overlap. I work 5x8s and my wife works 3x12s. My dad has his own business and makes his own hours so he helps watch her if we want to go out on weekends alone.

I have told my wife we can look for a place in the city as a second home and she has said that any extra money she would have would be eaten up by childcare and housing. She also said she didn’t want to be away from our daughter but doesn’t want to spend 50% of her time between two places and she doesn’t want me to not see our daughter everyday.

She admitted to me last night that she wants to do travel nursing again but it’s not an option with our daughter. And I was honest with her that until our daughter is grown, it’s more than likely not going to be an option for her unless she is wants to leave our daughter here with me while she goes. Moving every 13 weeks and living a nomadic lifestyle is not really possible with a young child and to be frank, not a lifestyle I am interested in, retired or not. Even if she took our daughter with her, it’s not logistically possible to find new childcare every 13 weeks. Some areas have 2 years waits for childcare in the US. She has mentioned this as well about why it’s not possible for her to do this right now.

I have suggested numerous solutions to try and help her and she has shot them all down about why they are not logistically possible. She either wants to be a travel nurse with me and/or our daughter going with her, which isn’t possible for Reasons I listed above and my job is on site and remote isn’t an option or she wants all of us to move to the city but still have free childcare, a big house, and all the benefits we as a family have with my job. It’s just not possible. Even if we moved and I commuted, 5+ hours a day of commuting 5 days a week sounds brutal and not sustainable long term. And that’s with perfect driving conditions. Winters are brutal so it would be an even longer commute. And I talked to her about just staying with my dad while I worked during the week and she said that wouldn’t work because she wants our daughter to have both parents at home every night and that it wouldn’t be fair if I just saw my daughter on the weekends and it would lead me to resent her, which is the truth if I’m being honest

She sounds a nightmare.

The lifestyle she wants is unrealistic and unsuitable for a child.

So at the moment you have a job, why not try and apply for similar jobs.... I know you feel not having the degree will stop you getting another but I don't think it will. Presumably you have a good few years experience and are able to get good references? Degrees do not trump provable experience in my country.

There's no harm in applying for other jobs In or near the city and seeing where you get with that. If it's nowhere then at least you tried.

How far is the nearest city from your current location? Could another option not be to relocate half way between and commute longer to work?

So sad truth is, you are different people who should not really get married nor have kids together- she wants to trave and have fun, you wanna sit on your sofa and count money, not sure how you ended up together with such different views of what you wanted from life- it must have come up at some point in the past?

Neither is wrong to want what you like, but you are wrong together. She will end up resentful of you because and possibly the child because she is tied to a place (if your ares is like the places I used to see in the US, I can relate to her) and expectations she has not chosen bu were imposed to her by the circumstances, and maybe now tied to a place she hates she is discovering a side of you that didnt grate her when she was travelling.

A lot of my friends are in the military and so many divorces happen when people retire and actually have to live together, things become apparent when one of them is not away for a big chunk of the year.

This relationship is doomed regardless unless a miracle happens. It's hard having dreams and realising your other half is the exact opposite of what you want from life.

Is she just sounding off do you think?
Are you trying to find solutions to something she just wants to grumble about for a bit maybe?
Maybe she just actually wants some sympathy and for you to say you recognise how hard this is for her, and appreciate what she is sacrificing?
I mean following your latest post she must realise there is no way she can have what she wants right now?

OP you’re not being unreasonable. A lot of the replies on here haven’t read all your posts and also don’t have an appreciation for life/work/benefits in the US. Your wife wants something that doesn’t exist or simply isn’t possible.
Anyone saying move to the city and commute is deranged - 2.5 hours each way is the equivalent of driving London to Cardiff twice a day. That’s not sustainable.

i’m not surprised you are beginning to resent her. He sounds very selfish and childish. She knows there is no solution that will please her. She knows that you have tried your best to help her. Not once has she come up with a single solution of her own. The reason is is because there isn’t one that she wants or that she is prepared to compromise on.

I think there's more to it for her.

I don't think moving is the answer, she seems that nothing is going to be the right answer

My dh commutes 2 hr and 10 min daily each way. So it is possible definitely. You could do one night in a hotel to break it up each week if you wanted to. You would soon get used to it.

So you could do that?
Then you could move to the city, and she would also be earning more so this would cover the cost. It would be for the short term, as you said it is only 9 years until you retire, so you wouldn't be doing that forever at all and are still very young (my dh does it and he is 56)

Otherwise I can see the time when she just leaves anyway, as she sounds so unhappy and who can blame her? She ended up with a baby she didn't plan for and wasn't even sure she wanted, in a job she hates, in small backwater with no prospects, a marriage with a pre nup and a dh totally laser focused on the bottom line all of the time.

What you are offering her op is not good enough, I am sorry to say. You are going to have to compromise somewhere.

I would already be getting legal advice in her position, life is too short to be this unhappy.

@Hummingbird75 have you even read the last update? She’s admitted that she wants to be a travel nurse again therefore moving to the city isn’t going to fix how she feels and is would completely torpedo the lifestyle and savings they currently have. She needs counselling not legal advice.

I don't think she is enjoying married life one bit. That is my take on it.

She doesn't need counselling, she probably needs to be more honest with herself about why she is stuck where she is.

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue I think you’ll find that she likes the op’s money very much. She is able to keep everything she earns for herself due to his work and the money he makes and the healthcare. She has a home she designed and up until the baby was born could do what ever she wanted and she did. It’s the unexpected baby that is the issue.
she wants to be with the baby but she wants to travel.
This isn’t a compatibility issue it’s a woman being very childish and selfish issue.

Can you get the relevant qualification for your job so that you have flexibility? All it takes is one manager to leave and be replaced by someone nasty for your work place to become a less appealing place to be

Having followed this for couple days, I've changed my mind about the situation. I now think OP is only giving options he knows she won't go for as it's very clear he doesn't want to make any change and would likely not go through should his DW accept any of the proposals.
I don't think this thread was created so OP could understand how she feels.

I think it is futile trying to try to find a solution.

DW accepts DH's mandate and that's it. Alternatively, DW leaves and makes what best life she can with their daughter one day, whenever that is and maybe when DD is a young woman.

In the meantime, and either way, there is zero love in this marriage. DH has only said he want DW 'to be happy'.

I want my horse to be happy. So what.

You've got your answer conflictedhubby0622. There's nothing you can do to make her happy - she's pining for her pre-child life but loves her daughter too much to go back to it. The only change can come from within her.

There isn't a solution. She has to come into terms that she is a mom now and that means she's stuck. Wether in the city or in the countryside. She loves her child, however it is something she didn't want so she hasn't really accepted that "it is what it is".

It is harder though because she is indeed stuck while her partner lives the unexciting life in a place where life is dead- and now she is stuck at home without being able to travel she is realising that this its it for her, the end of everything until she is too old to do many exciting things, while he will forever be happy and get it all. As I said above, a common thing for people when one works away a lot and when they retire they realise they actually dont like each other that much, but usually it comes when people are 60, not 30.

Oh, I know. My dad worked away. Retirement has been an adjustment..mainly to my mum 😅
I'm sure the bitterness of him not being stuck adds to it. However, regardless where they will live/she will live she will be stuck. Having a child you didn't want and was ill prepared to have and still love will make you stuck. I guess them both being miserable would be more equal and they could give that a try!

@conflictedhubby0622 like others have said, think your wife is depressed/hasn't adjusted. Having my first baby was a huge change in my life (travelled a fair bit before children), and your dd was unexpected, it's still fairly early days.

It might take time for her to accept that her life has changed, I'm not sure she does have a clear idea of what the main problems are, I'm not sure anything can give her back her old life.

There's absolutely no way I'd move away from the job benefits and family support you describe.

It must be a little hard for her that you have such a clear sense of who you are and what you want, the unexpected child hasn't changed much for the worse for you?

Remember her own mum said she has a grass is always greener attitude.

There are some people that no matter what they’ve got they’re never satisfied, never content.

the end of everything until she is too old to do many exciting things

she'll only be forty when op is able to claim his pension and they're able to move elsewhere.

the dd will be ten years old then; by that time, or even before, the dw may feel able to leave her for short periods to travel for work or pleasure.

you wanna sit on your sofa and count money

The financial benefits that go with op's job benefit all the family. Some might argue that, with a young child, it would be irresponsible to give up excellent health insurance. And op has said he and his wife have travelled extensively. They're not stuck at home all the time.