I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

Haha no problems at all i will definitely try and keep reminding myself that being as its my first ever relationship its so difficult to think about navigating this but thanks to everyone who has posted you have all been such a massive help regarding emotional and also logistics of this has been so helpful and kind of you to all share your thoughts and experience. Genuinely can't thank everyone enough

Absolutely fabulous advice from @LaughingElderberry .

@LuckyPinkFish - as Elderberry has said - it's natural to feel anxious with d-day approaching. There is no doubt that ending the relationship is going to involve some very tricky and painful conversations. But - for both you and your girlfriend - that is short term pain for long-term gain. The alternative is that you stay chronically and long-term unhappy in a relationship which no longer works for you and therefore, although she might not yet realise it, doesn't work for your girlfriend either. The relationship will still come to an end but you may have wasted a further 2 or 3 years of your girlfriend's time. Assuming she wants children, this could have very serious implications for her from a fertility window perspective since women's fertility windows tend to close considerably sooner than men's.

As we have said: you don't owe your girlfriend a relationship - no-one owes anyone a relationship. You are no longer a right person for her; you have become a wrong person for her. Since you know you don't want to be with her long-term, you do owe it to her to end the relationship as soon as possible. The sooner she suffers that heartbreak, the sooner she can recover from it and move on. Like most people, I've had my heart broken a few times. Sure, it was shit at the time but, like most people, I went on to find love and happiness in a long-term relationship; my husband and I have been together for nearly 25 years.

Thanks Dery for kind words, its nice to hear that in the end you found your happiness! Thank you for passing on your thoughts too that have been really helpful

@LuckyPinkFish

do you work weekends or work Saturdays ?
as otherwise today was your last day at work before you move out - as I believe it is Sunday that you can move into the new place ?

I hope you did manage to get quite a bit of your stuff out of the girlfriend's mother's home and it is safe somewhere.

Good luck with the move, @LuckyPinkFish

Do keep posting for support.

That's correct i don't work weekends I've got my keys tomorrow for my flatshare. I think the problem i have is that because noone knows its just so easy for me to coast along even though i have a place to to i just feel comfortable staying and terrified to say I'm leaving but I'm going to collect my keys tomorrow so i know for sure i have them and then i need to set a day to actually leave still.. i know no good time is going to come up but i feel mentally still dying inside that i have to hurt her and leave. I am going to gather the strength to though

If I were you I would break up with her and tell her you’ll be moving out in a few days as you managed to sort something. Then later tell her mum and thank her for letting you stay.

If it goes sour you can move out immediately because you have your keys. But I think it’s going to be too shocking and upsetting to spring it on them and up and leave immediately.

Try and get across that you wanted it to work, you’re sad that it hasn’t and it’s time for you to move on.

It will be uncomfortable, but the only thing you can do is stay calm, be honest and get through the situation as sensibly as possible.

personally I think you will be told to leave immediately.

That's a "take it or leave it" message that tells you that the cats are more important to her than you are - as is the fact that she discussed the cats with her mother but not you.

This is a no-brainer - just leave, ASAP. You aren't important in her life, so she shouldn't be important in yours.

"i think of the good parts of her and our relationship and what she has done for me thats good. How do i get over this "

Just think about the cats being more important than you in your relationship

How are you tonight, @LuckyPinkFish?
I've been thinking about you.

How did moving out go?
It was going to be on the 8th, I think.

I think the worry about telling her is worse in your head OP than it actually will be. She will be surprised and probably a bit in shock. She is very likely to not react much at all straight away. It's the days following when she has had time to think about it when you might see her angry and upset.

The reality can't be worse than what you are imagining and by putting it off all you are doing is making yourself more sick and anxious.

If it helps, move as much as you can to your new place and if she notices and asks say you are moving out as you want your own space. At least that's true.

Hey everyone thanks for checking in. I have my keys now but still not come to terms with ending it yet... things are calm at the moment and i feel inside like "this isn't too bad" and then everyone so often each day a rage comes to me that i want to explore new things i want my own space, etc... i still need to have the conversation with her but because we aren't in a fighting mood it feels so much worse to do because its like out the blue bang. I am going to get there I keep telling myself not to drag this on... months seem to be coming thick and fast and I'm not living the life i want to live fully. I am working on it though i have my next therapy session Saturday which i want to discuss with ny therapist how i can get there more i know its as simple as saying I'm not happy and it can't be any simpler than that just still feeling torn between getting myself the life i want and not people pleasing

You don’t need to wait for a fighting mood. Tell her you need to talk. Most people know what that means.

You can still move out to your own flat and continue dating if you think the living together bit and joint finances isn’t working. It might encourage her to sort herself out.

Just because you have your own place doesn’t mean you have to commit to splitting up completely.

Just a thought since you seem to be having difficulty with the thought of breaking up.

Is it really people pleasing or do you feel deep down you want to be together ?

Just say you fancy your own space.
Move out to your flat
See how things are and go from there.

We only have one life - whether it's short or long - don't waste a minute of it in the wrong relationship.

I agree with @Relaxandunwind

Just move into your own place but continue the relationship for now if that's easier. You can say there's nothing wrong, you just want your own space. If she asks why just say it feel like the right choice for you right now. Nothing to do with her but more about your own independence away from her mother's house. You can say you are moving away from the cats if you like.

If she gets funny about it you have your 'fighting mood' if that's what you need.

But to be honest, you shouldn't mess her around. You shouldn't cause an argument just to have a 'reason' to end it. You say you are a people pleaser but taking it this far is just pleasing yourself to be really blunt. Nothing wrong with that but at least own it.

When i have had difficulties before her mums attitudes towards things etc I've explained in the past that i thought it would be better if i didn't live there anymore and got my own place but then she would say "if you can leave without me why can't you leave with me..." the problems i had with that was the issues ive stated above and aswell as that i don't want rent for the rest of my life if i have the opportunity to save more for a deposit and then be able to buy some place.

To answer your question I think its because even though i wasn't abused as a child etc i was never shown much love or any ability to make my own choices so now I struggle to make decisions for myself because of how people will react and also i really like the loving side she has towards me (i know she has done things that show the opposite) but to me this is the best love ive been shown which makes it more difficult to know is it just me being alone and noone to love me etc or is it i actually want to be with her but not in the circumstances right now.

I agree with you that some of it is probably my own selfishness i hope my above post to reply to @Relaxandunwind will answer some of your questions also

I think, quite honestly, that you haven't experienced a healthy relationship with a woman yet @LuckyPinkFish

Find your courage, move out, and end things with this young woman.

She has not treated you at all well. It's anything but love.

Yeah i only have this relationship to compare.... i mean shes affectionate etc and she's always there for me to talk to etc these are things i never had in my life and I'm afraid to let them go

Leave . Suddenly 5 years will slip by , you will be in your early thirties. Leave now while you are young to start again

'but to me this is the best love ive been shown which makes it more difficult to know is it just me being alone and noone to love me etc'

THAT is not a reason to stay
nor to delay telling her that the relationship is over

if you are not careful you will be using her just because ( you think / feel ) no one else loves you, that would be unkind.

you had/have reason to split up with her, you resent the cats and the cats are not going anywhere they are there to stay
the finances are shit, she spends, you lend, she spends etc. you are no further forward with her in saving for a place of your own.

every minute/hour day/week/month you delay and stay
stops both of you from moving on
and from finding someone else.

there is a big wide world out there, full of lovely women, go and start looking

and you are now spending good money by paying out the rent on the other place.

.............and you are now spending good money by paying out the rent on the other place

That's a good point.
OP you must take the bull by the horns, and just leave.

You're achieving nothing by staying.

I know, i just keep thinking if things would change or if this wasn't like this but then i also feel when i think of leaving so much more freedom i feel, i feel like i could do what i want more of... but it still isn't making me feel like telling her because I'm still hung up on this "i need another reason other than the cats etc. Because that was several years ago i should have cut her loose then" I'm all worked up on how she'll react itd pathetic i know