I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

“As i say before i know someone else will love her in the future its myself keep thinking "have i done enough for her" i feel like she went out of her way to invite me to her home to live etc and i can't help but feel like i owe her more even though i know i dont really have much else to give”

@LuckyPinkFish - it’s tricky I know but it’s not about whether or not you’ve done enough for her. It’s about whether or not you want to build a future with her. You don’t want to build a future with her. You don’t owe her a relationship. In fact, you owe it to both of you to end a relationship that isn’t working for you. She will likely be very hurt and annoyed but the situation will only get worse and she will only be more hurt and annoyed if you do this 1, 2 or 3 years from now.

'i feel like she went out of her way to invite me to her home to live etc '

why ? did you become homeless ? or you had been given notice where you were living ?

as this is how it is beginning to sound.

you are supposed to be living together ( even tho it is her mum's home ) because you love each other, and you are partners, and you have a future together,

but you have fallen out of love with her, you are resentful re the cats

so set her free

one day she will find someone who loves her and adores the cats.

when you start dating again in the future you will need to have very firm boundaries re pets, make sure you find out in the initial conversations if online dating, and when meeting make sure you bring it up in the first couple of dates that pets now or in the future are a deal breaker for you.

I can't help but feel that way though at times, don't get me wrong its not all the time at times i feel ready to move out when i think about the way things have been in the "bug decision" moments. But then there'll be a few days where things seems to be calm and we seem to good together but its generally when we are watching tv or making dinner etc it feels nostalgic like how things used to be at the beginning. Being as its my first relationship its hard to feel easy to give up on it.

It may be your first relationship, but you don't think this was for life - do you ?
You may have several more relationships ahead of you whilst you find out what it really is you are looking for and not just the first girl you met.

No i wasn't homeless but i was in a crappy job at the time with terrible working hours, i had noone really, no really many friends etc some but not many, i never had a girlfriend of any girls really interested so when i met her and we could talk for hours and spend hours together i loved every minute of that we'd play games, watch movies and it was just me and her pretty much doing holidays etc. She then asked me to get a more easier job with better hours and to look after myself more which i did at her city and i moved in with her and her mum and again at first i loved it they much different people to my family with caring and loving sides to them. And then obviously what i explained happened and things become difficult in covid when i couldn't visit my family etc so i then started trying to plan where we would move to if we could move a little closer to my parents which she said no because her mum can't drive due to vision problems and my parents both can (however since i have lived her my parents have never once visited me.) So i compromised on where we could live also...

I know i Don't owe her anything, relationships etc but thats sometimes how i feel that she doesn't deserve to be hurt by me... other times i feel more positive about my freedom living alone, doing things i want to do etc but then other days i feel a failure, let down, and also a liar and cheat... i haven't cheated etc by the way

Hi @LuckyPinkFish only a week to go before you move out.

How are you getting on?

Hey feeling terrible i keep thinking if i say I'm unhappy and she asks why what am i going to say. Do i have a good enough reason

Wanting to end a relationship is a good enough reason in itself.
And you don't have to give her a reason anyway.
Relationships come to an end because one party decides they don't want to be together any longer.

It's not sounding good TBH. In a loving relationship your girlfriend should be putting your needs at the forefront and you should be making joint decisions about owning pets etc. If you're paying off her debt you may be just enabling her to get into more debt. Sorry, I'd ditch her and find someone who thinks more of you.

How about you RTFT before commenting?

Thanks TheShellBeach 😊 i just feel like terrible because i know she's going to want to know why and i just feel rightly or wrongly i should give her a reason because of how long we've been together rather than "just not happy" etc and even though i have reasons i feel like in my own head that because like the cats, debts, her making decisions without me etc they was so long ago i can't use them... i know I'm in my own head about this

You can use any reason you like.
You've tried but it’s not working and it’s really getting to you.

If something bothered you from the outset, eg the cats, then the debt, you’ve made an effort but you’re feeling now that this isn’t what you want out of life.

Thats if you want to give a reason.

You should stop overthinking it and just move out and live your life.
Have you moved some of your stuff out ?

I'm not happy and I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, is a reason in itself. It doesn't require any other explanation.

Don't get drawn into trying to justify or explain yourself. If she asks for reasons why or says that you 'owe' her an explanation, then say you have explained already - the relationship has run its course, you don't want to be together with her anymore, you aren't happy so you're ending it. Rinse and repeat.

How about you stop being so snippy? I re-read the post. Wouldn't change a thing of what I wrote. People are entitled to their own opinions - they don't have to match yours

🤣🤣🤣

The thread has moved on a bit since the OP first posted - she's now making plans to leave, but it's not a straightforward situation so she's been posting for ongoing support.

I think she is a he.

Thats correct i know I'm probably the wrong gender for posting on this site but its helped me so much i hope noone minds. I appreciate everyones post its been really helpful and encouraging to me

Yeah that's sounds probably the easiest way i can do because getting into the arguments again about things only leads me to then go back on my decision and give another chance. That has in turn lead to me feeling this way by I've had opportunities to leave when we've hashed out our problems but was afraid of being alone and also if we was to break up in that instance i would have had nowhere to live.

Yes you're right i am such a huge overthinker aswell where i try and predict these outcomes and predict what shes going to say along with her mother.

I have started to store some of my things in the van. I'm just afraid of going back on my decision being as noone would know etc i really don't want that

Thanks Shell - apologies OP! There are quite a few men on MN - hopefully the thread has been helpful for you?

It's natural to worry more when "d-day" is coming closer. Keep reminding yourself that you are allowed to be single. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to live where you want, leave the house when you want, see who you want. And you are allowed to make decisions about who you do and don't spend time with and have in your life. People change - they grow, they see things differently. You've changed. You want something different. That's perfectly natural and normal.

Thank you. I posted according to what I first read, which I still think is relevant to the OP now that 'he' is moving on. Hope all works out for him.

Reading back, my quote agrees with yours - just using different words, so I'm confused...

I really don't think it matters.
Men are welcome here.