Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

I think we all want a little empathy when we've had a bad day - it isn't unreasonable to hope for that from a partner.

That said, presumably your 8 yr old is at school, so there is only you and a toddler for much of the time, and presumably you made a choice to stay at home rather than going out to work?

What I would do, if in your circumstances is arrange to do something on a weekly basis - a hobby, a sport, some volunteering, whatever you would enjoy. Partly to have some adults you talk to who just know you as a person, not 'a Mum', and partly so your dh takes responsibility for those 3 hours or so each week, for the dc. Partly to give you a break.

It was a choice in so much that he didn’t want to be at home because he wouldn’t cope with them. I work one evening a week and he only has one child as he can’t cope with them
both so my mum picks up the eldest from school. It’s not really the issue, the issue is that he has nothing nice to say when I say it’s hard sometimes considering he can’t even look after both because it’s hard for him. He doesn’t seem to understand how hard it can be. Especially when I’ve also go to look after older members of the family and run here and there constantly.

I’ll say oh today has been hard and he will always reply try being at work, I had to move a fridge today. I’d love to be able to have adult conversation, go to the toilet on my own, get a lunch break etc etc.

You need to get out and work more to be honest.

It will help you mentally. Also try not to be in a position where you are "relying" on him financially as that can breed resentment.

I'm going to assume here that your husband isn't a bad man, a narcissist, any of those things. That he's just a man with reasonably good intentions, just not a lot of emotional skills.
If that premisse is true, then I think you need to look at this from the perspective of male vs. female communication.
Men are rarely taught to communicate about emotions. They aren't taught the proper language. They don't know how to comfort someone, how to validate someone, how to be emotionally present. Those things - even today- generally aren't expected of little boys, so they grow up to be men with poor emotional skills.
What men do learn, is how to fix problems. That is expected of them. Rational thinking. Problem - solution. And honestly, that's also a skill that needs to be recognised.

The issue arrises when a woman comes to her partner, while she herself has fully developed emotional communication skills, and expects her partner to respond to her as she would to someone else. But you're not speaking the same language.
What he hears is: oh shit, here's a problem I can't fix. Let's not dwell on it for too long. And he dismisses it.

Maybe you need to assume that he has absolutely no idea how to give you what you need, and maybe - as exhausted as you already are - you should try to voice your expectations more clearly.
F.E. When I have a problem that's not a fixable problem, I will explicitly say to my husband: hey love, I don't need you to problem-solve. I just need you to give me a hug and feel sorry for me, and just focus on me for a minute, and give me lots of validation and compliments, okay?
If you have a husband who actually cares about how you feel, then they'll take those cues and at least try.

Perhaps he sees it as you complaining about staying home while he’s the one out there earning the money to enable you to do that. He may be feeling trapped or weighed down by the responsibility of being the sole earner and sees your approaches as ungrateful or insulting.

All of this, and how much housework do people do that is the equivalent of a fulltime job?

This! And do yourself a massive favour and start working more. I’m assuming you’re not married as you said partner - you have no financial protection if the relationship ends. It’s a very precarious position to be in. It sounds like working more will get you the adult time you want to. Obviously if you do work, household and childcare stuff needs to be divided more evenly according to working hours.

It's not the housework. It's the endless childcare with no break. No lunch to yourself. No 8hrs a day without a child hanging off you.

When I went back to work, it was a breeze compared to being at home. It's relentless having young DC and never being able to get away for just 5 minutes on your own.

You should both be able to offload about your days but if you’re not happy at home then return to more paid work and use childcare. You’re at home for most of the day with one toddler, do you know what you’re finding so tough? He should absolutely be able to care for both the kids by himself for an afternoon or evening, it’s appalling your mum is covering for him. What would happen if you were in hospital for a week?!

But beyond that you have options if being at home isn’t for you while he presumably doesn’t so if all he hears is you complaining about the status quo you can perhaps see why he resents it.

Did you go back to work after your eldest or have you mostly been at home for 8 years? You’re not married so I hope your housing is secure as you’re working so few hours.

He can't look after both children at once so your mum has to have your oldest? That's pretty pathetic.

It's not much of a relationship if you can't support each other when you're feeling rubbish. Things would have to change drastically for me to stay in a relationship like that.

I'm was a SAHM and my partner always listened to me if I had a bad day and made sure I had time to myself and vice versa.

Only you can change this situation.

Fwiw My main issue wouldnt be he couldnt say "thanks love i appreciate you"

separately
Look for better paid employment and start developing a career now. Ie today. when your child turns 2 free hours kick in.
Get on effective contraception.
Keep reminding yourself it will get easier.

People suggesting OP should work more, that may help her as she says she'd love to interact with adults more.

However, it won't help with the problem that her partner is so useless that he can't have both kids at once, nor will it make him a more caring partner. Those things need sorting imo.

@BananaLambo I would hope not. We live in a house that I have paid off myself before him.

When we feel overwhelmed, our natural reaction is to focus on that and own perspective. Sadly, what often happens is that we lose perspective of how other people may be feeling.

As someone outside your situation, not feeling any emotions about it, I read your post and I see a wife and mum who is feeling the full pressures of motherhood, who wants a bit of comfort and appreciation. I also see a husband / dad who works hard and carries the financial burden of the family, who is also carrying his own pressures and possibly also feels unappreciated.

My advice is, to do two things. One is to reflect on how you show appreciation to your partner, are you doing and giving to him, what you are seeking here? If not, start doing it, because couples often match energy (subconsciously).

Second, my advice is to be direct with your husband. When you have a minute to yourselves tell him what you need eg say, 'I really need a hug' or just initiate the hug. Then tell him how it helped, 'that's made me feel so much better, I've felt really overwhelmed today' - let him know how these gestures can make a big difference to how you feel about a day. Being direct like this can help you get what you need more than just saying you had a bad day and HOPING your partner responds with a hug.

Does your older child not go to school. Is that not an option?

@Nori10 Im always asking him about his day. He has lots of spare time outside doing things on his own. He doesn’t carry all the financial pressure as I’d almost paid off my
house before meeting him. He just is terrible as seeing anything from anyone’s point of view. He hasn’t actually experienced how I feel so I’m not sure how he can think it’s easy, but he does. He has parents who support him and I’ve none left. I feel pretty alone emotionally.

So the OP should do that, then, if she’s (entirely understandably) not enjoying being a SAHM. I think it suits very few people.

I mean emotionally supporting. I have my mum but she is not emotionally available.

I’m not asking for a fix or to just say return to work as it will just occur still. He can’t offer any emotional support at all. With our daughter who has ADHD he is really tough on, he can’t see she is struggling emotionally. His mum is the same, completely avoidant and dismissive. I’m finding it hard and there is no one to turn to.

He is clearly unable (or unwilling) to meet your emotional needs. Being unable to "cope" with his own children is a bit pathetic. The likelihood is that he can't be bothered because it's too much effort.

Do consider expanding your own horizons. Finding a satisfying job that brings you a sense of worth and purpose. Maybe a nice regular yoga class or swimming membership. Anything that can give you a sense of fulfilment, adult interaction and confidence.

If childcare has to be arranged, then so be it, although that really is the very least their other parent should be doing.

Your partner is minimising your efforts and refusing to step up, which isn't great.

Sounds like he's having it all his own way...

With just the one little one not in school, could you afford for them to go to nursery and you get a job? It sounds like being at home is exhausting and not enjoyable for you- perhaps being at work might be better?

it’s a shame your dh isn’t empathetic when you’ve had a tough day

The youngest is so difficult and it wouldn’t surprise me if she has ADHD also. She has screamed 17hours a day since being born. Even now she is throwing herself on the floor and hitting the walls screaming which is what she does all day pretty much.

Just say ‘I need to have a bath tonight as it’s been a hard day’ and go that’s what I do.

It would help if my partners hours were set but he is all over the place. I could then add onto the one shift I do.