Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

@MumApril1990 when I do that all I can hear is a screaming toddler and him having zero control. Toddler is extremely challenging so I don’t blame him that he finds it hard.

he only has one child as he can’t cope with them
both so my mum picks up the eldest from school. It’s not really the issue,

This is a HUGE issue.

@FunZebra its only a few hours once a week. Oldest loves to spend time alone with nanny. But it does annoy me he gets out of the stress of it then doesn’t offer sympathy when I have to cope all the other time. I feel invisible. I suspect that a lot mums feel this.

I feel I carry all the emotional weight and all the worry. I’m trying to regulate everyone and I get none in return. Other mums have stopped talking to me because of some of the behaviour of eldest. She is great but she struggles with friendships. His parents have mentioned that I’ve created the ADHD by being a bad parent. I’ve just about had enough.

So why can’t you? Your days sound boring, un stimulating and monotonous. Go to work!

Why don’t you go back to work?

There are some people who seem to be unable to empathise and always relate whatever they're told, to themselves. I know a few people like this. If you have a toothache then they once had an abscess which nearly killed them, if you have a headache then that's nothing compared to their migraines. It's frustrating but you just need to accept that he's probably one of these people. Just remember that you're doing this wonderful and important job mainly by yourself, and you're doing it well.

So stop carrying all the emotional weight and go back to the workplace? You’re not finding life at home enjoyable, and no one is ‘filling your cup’. This isn’t working for you.

You only have one child needing full time childcare so you don't need to rely on working around his shifts in order to work more yourself. Book the toddler into nursery and work more hours yourself.

You sound resentful being virtually a full time SAHP and tbh if my partner only worked one evening a week and then complained when I was working full time, I'd be short on sympathy.

You're making it into a competition, so it's no wonder he reacts like he does.

How exactly does your house pay the bills and feed you all? Being the sole earner is a massive mental load.

I agree with those saying you would be better off going back to work. At the moment you are relying on your husband to meet all your social needs, whereas if you were out chatting to other adults all day (and let's be honest, not having your head melted by young children) you would feel better mentally.

At the moment you are barely working, and I don't think adding a little bit more to that will solve the problem. A substantive job, maybe three days a week, with formal childcare in place is what will change the balance at home.

You're on Mumsnet while she throws herself around screaming and hitting the walls.

I was stuck a desk for 9 hours yesterday. Couldn't get away. Add to that the complaints the pressure the battering from partners and clients. Its not exactly easy.

One kid is in school, one presumably naps.

I have not said that working isn’t hard. I’m there for him listening when he tells me. It should go both ways.

I don't know about op. But with my ex. He had no understanding what so ever his day ended at 4pm when he came home i was,waiting on him and the kids. He did nothing because I just stay at home it's not seen as work. There was no end to my day. At bed time he would want sex. Then through the night I'm getting up to the kids. There was also special needs and mental health issues with my children that i had to deal with on my own . It fucked me up big time. But he was the hard working man ..

You have chosen a partner who is like your mother (all too common), and the sooner you're able to accept that you will have to meet your own emotional needs another way, the more content you will be.

Give up hoping to be rescued. It didn't happen when you were a child, and it won't happen now. You are the agent of change in this, and no one else. It might not feel fair, but life seldom is.

I hope you have a cohabitation agreement signed that he couldn't claim a portion of the house if you split, which is very likely and possible.

Oh shit overlooked he's your partner. He hasn't even married you?

Go back to work

I don’t want to be rescued I want to be equally seen. Like I said I’ve contributed financially with the house and very small mortgage remaining. He owns and rents out his small place. I bring in around £500 a month still. Money and who earns what is not an issue, he isn’t and we aren’t like that. I’m talking about emotional support, I feel dismissed.

@HowIrresponsible Im sorry…”he hasn’t even married you” are you having a laugh!!!!

He is enabled to do his job and progress his career options because the OP is providing full service childcare for special needs children, household management and the raft of family stuff that comes with it.

The fact that he knows this and feels entitled to opt out of his own children (seriously - her mother has to help because he can't cope with his own children for a few hours) suggests that he doesn't want to acknowledge her workload or his own children's needs.

That is not a parenting, its opting out.

OP: do you want your daughter raised in a house with a man who gets angry with her over her special needs?

I'm assuming you know that of you split up you are not entitled to anything of the house or a settlement from him. You might not even get maintenance if he has the kids 50/50 because then who is paying him for his half.

Are you having a laugh?! Women who have kids with partners unmarried often have no idea there is no such thing as a common law wife. You get nothing. So go back to work and earn your own money as you get nothing of his if you split

You've got your house but what will you live on?

His parents have mentioned that I’ve created the ADHD by being a bad parent. I’ve just about had enough.

What has your partner said to them about that? I hope he shit them down completely and they apologised to you.

OP, the more you post, the more he just sounds like a rubbish partner. Are you sure you want to be with someone like this?

Shut not shit. 😬🤣

@HowIrresponsible Im assuming you are assuming your username so we will leave it to that. It’s not the advice I’m looking for.