Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

People telling OP to ‘go back to work’ are totally missing the point. She might not want to go back to work; that doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to expect a bit of emotional support from her OH. Looking after kids can be hard, going to work can be hard. I would expect a bit of empathy if I expressed I had a bad day regardless of whether it was a bad day at the office or a bad day at home with a toddler.

YANBU OP, he should support you emotionally by listening to you and practically by offering to give you a break. (I would also expect you to do the same for him if he was struggling)

@C8H10N4O2 he really isn’t a bad guy. I’m almost certain the ADHD is from him tbh.

You are not going to win here OP so unless you can get him to step up to parenting his children you need to carve out more time for yourself. The older child is at school so put the toddler in nursery and go back to work for a few more days a week if possible. Then at weekends make sure he gets on board with shared parenting.

@Icanttakethisanymore thanks. Ive got myself into a financial position where I can be at home. Having kids with SEN is much harder then I thought and with no emotional
support it’s really really hard. More money is not the help I need.

But you do want to be rescued: you want him to meet your desire to be equally seen. Why? Because you want him to change for you, while at the same time your refuse to seek your own solutions.

This is a hard one to accept, but growing up means making difficult choices.

@Isowouldlike but you are making it into a competition by starting the dialogue with how stressed/ overwhelmed you are and how difficult your day is, yet you don't like it when he tells you that working full time is hard too.

Stop looking to him to provide the social, possibly also intellectual, stimulation you're missing. You're not happy being home practically full time and there's nothing wrong with that.

I had some periods of time at home, ok it wasn't lengthy periods, just on Mat Leave, but on the final one I was looking after a newborn, an 18 month old and a 3 year old. It's relentless, and can feel isolating and before my 6 month Mat leave was up I found myself slightly envious of my dh for being out at work. The difference was - I did return to work each time after Mat leave. And that's no picnic either, getting 3 young children out to childcare early in the morning, doing a days work and seeing everything I earnt disappearing on nursery fees! But you have to make your own choices, weigh things up and have agency over your own life. In practical terms the easiest option would have been for me to SAH, certainly by the time baby number 3 came along. But I knew that for our family, having both of us working was the right thing. I also believe that when both parents are working, then it's easier and happens more naturally to share the pressures in the home.You have a better understanding of each others lives and there's far less tendency to turn things into a competition of who has it harder

So is he going to get advice, help or discuss his possible ADHD with a doctor?

Look at it from your daughters' perspectives. They are growing up in a house with a man who gets angry at them for behaviours and expressions they cannot help. What will be the effect of that as they learn about male behaviour from him as their main male role model and start learning that the way to interact with men is to be compliant or expect anger?

@lolly792 I’m afraid I listen to him all day long, he msgs me about all the hard things he does and I appreciate them all. I appreciate that his working day is hard. I don’t see the issue. When he tells me something he found hard I don’t reply with well this happened to me today and it was even more hard. He will always respond with something that he did that was harder whenever I express something I’ve found hard. He will never say that sounds hard and hug.

@Isowouldlike that post is a little different from your OP when you made it sound like you complain about your day and don't like his response!

@C8H10N4O2 no I very much doubt it, it’s the rest of us who have the problem. That’s the problem I have. I’m not always perfect, sometimes I get overwhelmed, sometimes I get angry and he is of no help to regulate me and be a partner. In return I regulate him and the kids. I’m not saying I’m a mess but sometimes you need your partner to say hey come on let’s get through this.

as harsh as it sounds.... it IS hard being at work all day, and the last thing you want is to come home and get an ear bashing from a partner who, in their eyes has it easy as they are at home all day.

you say you had to move a fridge? why? why did you have to move it? could it not have waited until the weekend and it could have been done together.

if you really are fed up, then find a job that suits your hours.. or get childcare, one or two mornings week to free up some time for you. being a SAHM is not for everyone, i sure as hell couldn't do it and i went back to work part time when my youngest was 3 months old! (to be fair i applied for and got my dream job and didn't want to miss the opportunity!).

yes it would be nice if he was empathetic and understanding about how rough your day has been, but i get the impression from your thread that the minute he steps through the door, you are on his back about how bad his day is.

you both sound overwhelmed to be honest, and i know this is MN and its the law to agree that the woman is right and that the man is a beast.. but i don't buy into it sorry.

It's not about money, it's about the fact that staying at home is not working for you. If you choose to stay home, away from the demands and benefits of being part of a work team and having complex interactions with a range of other adults, then you are choosing to place the entire burden of your social needs on a husband who sounds ill equipped to meet them.

Basically it sounds like you don't financially need to work and you don't want to work, which is fine if you enjoy it, but if you choose it when it clearly is not a good strategy for you that is not anyone else's problem to solve.

Agreed. Like you say, all he needs to do is say, "I bet it has been a tough day for you" to show some understanding and sympathy, and then you take yourself off for a few hours to do whatever you want, while he takes over. I have 2 dc, so it's hard. I was glad to go back to work. I'm a nurse and can honestly say that sometimes work was easier. I remember taking dc2 to a toddler group. He'd get toys and then come back and sit on me. He was on me all the time. Sometimes, you just want a break! That said, he's nearly 11, and we have a good relationship and are very close, bit as mum you do need 5 minutes to yourself,and that doesn't make you a bad person. Is your partner the type of person who will listen if you say, you know it's hard for him working etc, but you find some days hard too, so can he pleas show you sympathy, and respond with how hard his day has been? Tell him it's not a competition.

I still think getting back to work for a lot more than an evening is the best route. It's not about earning more money (as I said, we had no more money coming in when we had 3 kids in childcare than if I'd SAH!)

It's about having a better balance in your partnership and really understanding and sharing the pressures which come with looking after children and from going out to work.

And if you share more of the financial responsibility, then it's far easier and more natural to share the domestic load too. When I was back at work, dh and I shared nursery drops/ cooking / housework whereas when I was home on Mat leave, those things naturally fell to me as I had more time.

If you work more hours and he still won't step up and share the load then you have a bigger problem I'm afraid. But right now you're stuck in opposite roles: he's almost entirely the sole earner and you're at home and you aren't happy- so change that, you do have agency to make that change and it will put you in a position to rightly expect him to step up more

We both have hard days. He comes home and yeah the baby is screaming and has done most of the day, it’s stressful. He is stressed hearing the crying and I’ve had it all day long. He wants to go straight outside and do something so he doesn’t have to hear it. There is no break for either of us but he always trying to run off and leave me with them at every opportunity. It’s annoying me.

I took it as the partner moved the fridge during his working day, not the OP 🤔

Just because you stay at home, doesn't mean you don't have a right to some emotional empathy.

Expecting a reciprocal response at least sometimes shouldn't be too much to ask of a partner.

Perhaps he is on the spectrum and finds it hard to understand how to respond? I think as per previous pp you'll have to be very explicit in voicing your needs for reciprocity emotionally.

Yes he has a hard day at work, but dealing with toddlers is very difficult also. Especially if they also have SEN. A friend of mine has a daughter with severely presenting autism. It was relentless, she couldn't leave her with anyone else, not even her sister who she lived with and the daughter saw almost everyday without her screaming hysterically.

You have also contributed financially so it's not about what work is more valuable, or who contributes 'more'

It may be a bad suggestion, but perhaps write a nice letter explaining 'I know you work very hard, but when you come home, I would really appreciate a hug sometimes and a bit of acknowledgement if I let off steam, It's not aimed at you etc etc' and put it in his work bag or something.

But as others have said, in your current situation, which isn’t making you happy, you are relying exclusively on your husband to feel ‘seen’. For whatever reason, he can’t give you what you want. You’d be better off mitigating the situation where you’re carrying all the emotional load, getting out of the home more, being ‘seen’ professionally, and finding emotional support elsewhere.

So enrol your child in nursery. Even if you don't want to work, you can clearly afford it and it will mean you're not stuck at home listening to a screaming child all day

This. I think you need more paid work, and he needs more parenting time. The current split isn’t working.

@DysonSphere I agree, mutual emotional support should be a part of any good relationship. But for many couples, a more balanced partnership works best, where instead of having very different roles, both parents have a more equal split of earning and other responsibilities

It seems like this could be the case for the OP. She's not happy at home all day. He may not be happy with the mental load of bringing in nearly all the money.

The OP keeps saying money isn't a problem, so I even suggested enrolling the toddler at nursery even if she doesn't work. Just to have a break from the screaming all day. Why martyr yourself when there's no need?
I do think the OP needs to be realistic though that everything should be a shared decision. Maybe her dh really doesn't want to have so much financial responsibility and that isn't goi my to change unless she works more

Your partner needs to shut the fuck up. Moving a fridge is hard? Fuck off. He can’t even look after both of his children because he struggles so much. He needs to get back in his box. Or ideally, go live in another box somewhere else.

Okay. My DD’s ADHD was diagnosed when she was 12. Mine a few months later. (I assumed it came from my dad but the consultant is convinced it comes more strongly through the maternal line).

(My sister and nephew are autistic, dad is probably AuDHD but in his 70s and not interested in diagnosis.)

We’ve always been different.

My mother wasn’t cut out for full time motherhood and neither was I.

My husband is probably autistic. (ADHD people tend to find autistic people.). He struggles to understand why me and my daughter can’t just decide to do something and then do it. Why everything is last minute. Why we forget stuff. I have to regularly point out that our brains work differently to his. Once I reset him he can parent brilliantly - just as well as I work away half the week and he is the default parent with a demanding full time job as well.

Point is you don’t have to accept your partner being a shit father to your child. He probably can understand it if it’s explained to him, and he should have a parental desire to do right by his children. And that includes supporting their mother.

You have to find the right way to do it though. My husband needs a scientific angle to everything. You need to speak the language your husband understands and stop accommodating him to ignore his responsibilities.

You could always LTB - but then you'd have to work more hours anyway!

It is difficult because his mum is very much of the thinking that women do all the childcare. I don’t want this responsibility solely. He wanted to work. I said we can shift it around so that he does a day less and I can do more. He is not forced to work the hours he does. I suspect he chooses to because home life is chaotic and challenging. He doesn’t see that in leaving it all to me then it just makes it worse. I’m getting more and more stressed the more he avoids it all. He then says I’m stressed so why come home early. When she is 2 I will be putting her into nursery. We then have to figure out holidays. His parents have always said they won’t be available for childcare as that’s my job. It’s just difficult as it is for many. I’m just tired of being the stressed emotional person to blame all the time. I do go out and have friends and go to playgroups etc.