Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

I think it’s hard when you are overwhelmed,
all the noise and the pulling at me. Screaming getting ready for school each morning, screaming over breakfast and lunch and dinner. I can’t help the eldest with her home work for screaming and pulling. I can’t drive in the car for screaming or push the pushchair for screaming. I feel terrible guilt all the time that I’m just one person. I wish I was better at this and didn’t feel overwhelmed but I suspect many would. My mum can’t take the noise of my toddler because it’s relentless, no one can but then no one ever helps. We need some time together without children, just a little something.

When I go to work it’s loud and people everywhere, that doesn’t make me feel better. I think I need a cave!

We all need and deserve emotional support and you are expecting this from your husband as you should! He isn't giving you any which in my experience does make you feel lonely and uncared for at times.

This isn't anything to do with your working hours. I can guess that you feel like he's emotionally unsupportive in other areas of your life, too? Some people just don't have any / arent raised too have / struggle with emotional skills, unfortunately.

Youre doing a great job. Xx

I just don’t think he has a clue how to respond. I don’t think he feels or even knows the feelings names. His mum is cold and pragmatic.Its easier to avoid or tell me I shouldn’t be feeling them then admit he doesn’t have a clue. I can’t stop the way I feel though. Whether I should or shouldn’t I feel overwhelmed at times.

What’s it got to do with his mum?

have you pointed out if you leave him he’ll be expected to do 50/50 care?

It’s not normal for a toddler to scream all
day long. Has she been checked over? Is she meeting milestones?

@FunZebra his mum is always in his ear with opinions. She has been checked, she has always been like this. She is just extra , extremely demanding and throwing tantrums and screaming. Otherwise she meeting all the milestones. People who meet her say they’ve never seen a toddler so OTT. She is great and loving but the screaming is hard to deal with.

He only has one child at a time on his own

Well there's you're problem, stop your mum helping and then he can get a taste

He doesn't appreciate it because he doesn't see it as valuable

Where going out and earning a wage is seen as valuable

That's the bottom line

. I feel terrible guilt all the time that I’m just one person. I wish I was better at this and didn’t feel overwhelmed but I suspect many would. My mum can’t take the noise of my toddler because it’s relentless, no one can but then no one ever helps. We need some time together without children, just a little something.

It sounds like your child is difficult and noisy but you need to believe that you have agency over this situation. You say 'no one ever helps' and your mum won't have the toddler but at the end of the day, your mum doesn't have any obligation to provide childcare.

Paid childcare is the solution. Paid childcarer's will help because that's their job. You've said several times it's not about money, so presumably you could put the child in nursery now. No need to wait for free hours when she's two. Do it now. With your older child at school you'll then have the luxury of child free time at home- which is actually something many mums don't get.

Or as has been said repeatedly, increase your working hours. Don't limit yourself to an evening a week and trying to fit round your dh shifts. You clearly are not happy existing through every day like this. Your feelings will transmit to your children and probably make them worse. Take ownership and change things.

Ultimately if your dh won't step up and engage then that's still a massive problem. But at least you'll have changed what you can, and that in itself will change the dynamic and put you in a better position

I understand what you are saying. It’s just sad that he can’t be understanding of how I feel regardless of whether he sees it as valuable to him. Things will change and the balance will change but it worries me that in my time of need he isn’t there. He isn’t asking anything from me currently. He’s doing the same job he did before me, that’s not changed. If he did ask then I would be there for him.

Is he the father of the eldest? What was he like with parenting before you had your youngest? Did you work? Has he always been like this? Just wondering if this is a new development after the birth of your second or if he's always been like this.

It's almost like people don't understand that looking after a toddler all day is alot more physically and mentally draining than any other kind of employment imo 😂

It’s almost as though people don’t see that looking after a toddler and doing housework all day would be classed as low-paid, un-prestigious work, typically overwhelmingly engaged in by women with few qualifications and few options, if it were not your own child. It doesn’t magically turn into it being ‘fortunate’ to be a SAHM when it is your own child. Vanishingly few people are suited to bring longterm SAHPs.

@Devilsmommy but it's her choice to not use nursery and give herself the easy job of going to work

None of these really fix the issue. I’ll got to work then come home and do all the childcare and house and when in need of a little support it still won’t be there. Same thing happened when a family member of mine got really sick. I can’t go to him for emotional support, it’s becoming hard.

Perhaps they'd like to have your eldest stay with them for a fortnight in the summer holidays then, so they can 'fix' what they believe to be your bad parenting...

Why on earth are you staying with him?

They don’t. 🤷‍♀️

You have added this, and so much other pertinent information since the OP - specifically the fact that your dp does not even look after both of the children for the one evening a week you work.

With all that information up front, I think you would have got some quite different responses.

I think people get arsy and judgmental when they hear the term SAHM. Ignore the fact I’ve paid off my own home that we now all live in. Most of what I’ve heard is that he is annoyed about having to financially support me and I do nothing at home all day…same old shit, should have guessed.

Why do people make out like you'd ever get the man to do 50/50 custody because you say so??

He won't be "expected" to do anything.

It’s the starting point for any court proceedings.

no court is going to demand OP does all childcare while he does what he wants if thy split.

Also it seems as if men can't win.

If they don't want their kids 50/50 they get called lazy and awful fathers.

If they do want their kids 50/50 they are considered to be depriving the mother of any maintenance payments.

More basic than that for me. You fathered them, you are equally responsible for their care.

I made that absolutely clear to DH before we had DD and have stuck to it from day 1. I’ve never been the default parent. I work away half the week and so he does considerably more parenting than me despite us both working full time.

I think lots of women fall into the trap the OP has fallen into and it just enables men to be selfish bastards and to blame women for wanting too much.