Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

If I say do you appreciate me he will say of course. We have a very different language. In the moments I can’t read his mind.

It sounds a bit weird wanting to have external praise from him? He doesn’t sound like he really thinks it, so why force him to say it? It’s the road to madness doing the same thing over and over. Nothing is going to change because ultimately he doesn’t respect what you do. You don’t bring in money in his mind. The chronic fatigue issue will be an irritating inconvenience to someone like him. He is not going to suddenly start feeling sorry for you.

The sad thing is she thinks she looks impressive. Very ordinary in fact.

She genuinely believes she runs rings around most people, when the reality is half the thread is chuckling at her.

@Gamefacer sorry but this is not who he is. He isn’t arrogant and money oriented. I don’t think I mentioned wanting praise either I’m not a child. Some people have understood what I’ve tried to say.

@Isowouldlike

I haven't read the whole thread, only your updates. It does seem to me that some posters are giving you a very hard time and it's unclear to me why.

Your situation sounds very, very difficult. It's not okay for your partner to opt out of parenting – he should be able to deal with having both your children together. It sounds like you're surrounded by people who cannot help on an emotional level perhaps because – as you say yourself – they also have ADHD.

But yes – you should be able to get emotional support from your partner and/or your parents and/or friends.

FWIW – it sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job and it's not surprising that you're feeling overwhelmed. Even if there is no-one in real life who can help, are there virtual support groups near you who might be able to offer support?

@Isowouldlike

For what it's worth, it does help me to post on here.

Because when your very small circle are all exhibiting the same behaviour, it's very easy to feel that you are the one in the wrong...rather than seeing that actually the rest of the world isn't like this, and we're just unlucky.

It's a little bitter sweet because on the one hand, it helps me with the whole "it's not me, it's really not me, it's them" but then it highlights just how shit our situation is, and it's really not the norm.

Just know that I hear you. We live very similar existences. All I can tell you is that as the children grow, it becomes easier. But it doesn't ease the resentment that's built in the time it takes for the situation to improve itself.

So u do the housework and look after a 18 month old whilst yr older child is at school, if u want to work more do so and employ a childminder as u obviously rnt enjoying what u r doing.

@StopInhalingRevels it’s so hard to know what’s right from wrong when all around me are saying I’m wrong. But they are all ND and very black and white. I’m pretty sure my own mum is, perhaps I am too. But I am able to adapt and see other people’s needs independently, I don’t think like a machine like everyone around me seems to. I’m not a machine, I have feelings.

@Skybluepinky no I’m struggling with the additional needs of my eldest having ADHD, my partner also having ADHD, the toddler has a death wish and screams and tantrums all day long and not having anyone to talk to when I feel a little down.

People on here are totally misunderstanding you and trying to push you into work when that is not what you are asking for or need. Don’t ask him if he appreciates you, just have an honest frank discussion with him and tell him you have no more to give and need him to support you a little. Even to take the toddler off you for even a couple of minutes when he steps through the door so you can do anything/something/literally even taking the bins out but it’s bins out in silence without a toddler strapped to your side. It can make all the difference to just stop you in your tracks and refocus. Just tell him you are smothered and hopefully he can see that as he can’t cope with the 2 children on his own. By the way my toddler is literally parkour champion so also has a very high death wish approach to life 🙄 exhausting but sometimes it has to be said he does end up in some quite amusing situations 🧐 take enjoyment when you can. If you don’t laugh you will cry xx

It does seem to me that some posters are giving you a very hard time and it's unclear to me why.

@Dery Because she said she’s a Sahm (well, working one evening a week) with a paid up house and no money worries.

I suppose there is a certain criteria for empathy. People judge when they only know a small amount of information and go for the buzz words..,SAHP…I deserve nothing. Having some money is helpful but money isn’t everything and we don’t have loads I was just fortunate early on.

Are you me?

My husband has ADHD. My eldest has ADHD.

I don't have the 1.5yr old though. I have 4yo twins.

My mother is definitely ND. And emotionally unavailable. Quite possibly a narcissist. There's 40yrs of what I tried to minimise as her "just being her" that I now understand was abuse that's going to take a lot of therapy to unpick.

People just don't get it. Having an ND child and an ND partner, is exhausting. Never having a break or anyone to turn to is exhausting. Having no one to talk to or who understands, just a little sea of faces who reply "you should try my day if you want to know what tired feels like" when you are at breaking point so often.

I know what you're doing. And you're fucking marvellous x

@StopInhalingRevels I am almost certain my mum is also. She isn’t horrible but emotionally she is very self oriented, she is a people pleaser and always a victim. She had a terrible childhood so I don’t blame her. It didn’t help me growing up because it was always about managing her feelings. Shit, I’m still in the same position now. Fuck sake. I sound awful because he really isn’t a bad person my partner he just can’t meet me emotionally at all. When I reach overwhelm I can’t stop I have to keep pushing and pushing and one day I feel like I will explode.

I get what you say about all the faces around me. All dismissing me and making me feel like I’m wrong for not being able to cope. I can’t stop the way I feel just because these people tell me I should be ok.

OP, You doing a superb job! xx

So because she’s a stay at home parent with no money worries she’s not allowed to have other issues - unbelievable - if you have nothing helpful to add move along.

This sounds similar to my sisters situation, she has been struggling recently with her husband. He is awful to her and just can't be nice or acknowledge what she does. He just moans she hasn't done enough housework and doesn't look after him enough or earn as much as he does.
He can cope with the children, the eldest has ADHD and the youngest may have or something else. He works nearly all the time, including both days on a weekend. So hardly seen his eldest who is at school. My sister does everything and works 3 days a week. But he thinks he is the best and she is useless and puts her down.
He doesnt look after him self, eats sooo much rubbish and drinks. He is pre diabetic but hasn't even tried to help himself so wouldn't be surprised if he had a real medical emergency soon. He falls asleep a lot and then just rants at my sister.
I am starting to think he may have ADHD. He won't be told anything. Even when my sister just gives her opinion or talks about everyday things, she is nagging and putting pressure on him.

My relationship is struggling. My partner is in a high paid job (because he has worked extremely hard to get to where he is at) - the nature of his work is stressful and takes an emotional toll. He often works 6 days a week from 8-6. He doesn't take any holiday time off but if we do go on a holiday he will work 7 day weeks around the holiday to make up the time.
Because of our financial position I do not work and it would make things quite difficult if I did. We have 2 young children who attend nursery 3 days (eldest) & 2 days (youngest). On these days I clean the house and organise/ food shop/ anything else that needs to be done.
Since the children have been born I have done 95% of the nights and early mornings and they have both been bad sleepers.
I have recently started going to the gym during the morning the children are at nursery (so no impact on partner) this has brought up lots of feelings of unfairness. It has now filtered into me taking the children out for the day I.e. going to the park and how unfair it is and how he wishes he could do that - how we could switch places.
I feel so unappreciated. I literally run the house and sort almost everything out for the children. He takes care of finance and our bills. I even take on the big jobs like planting a hedge as he doesn't have time. He constantly makes me feel guilty but also alludes to the fact I can't work. He also works from home most of the time so I can't have people over to play. I don't know how to make this better.

This is so true.

Love this response.