Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

It always gets into these arguments. Both our lives are hard in different ways. I’m not dissing anything he does. My mum looks after older child for those few hours as both him and her are always fighting and it’s the only way to make sure I can go to work and it not be a war zone when I get home. He can’t understand her emotional needs, a lot like he can’t understand mine. His parents back it up by saying it’s parenting but ADHD has nothing to do with parenting. He has grown up in a family where emotions are stupid. It’s really difficult l.

Whatever are you talking about?? You can't make someone look after their child. Usually the man in these cases.

He will most likely do bugger all, or the standard every other weekend. And if he chooses bugger all then yes the court will demand she does all the childcare, or they will take the children into care!

I do wish people would stop telling women "oh, wait til he has to do 50/50 custody, see how he likes it" as if it's ever the reality when a feckless father is involved. OP or the court has got zero ability to make him have them at all. To be very clear.

And yes, it's shit.

@FunZebra its difficult with children with difficult needs. We never had to deal with this, its put a lot of stress into the relationship. I am the only parent who is able to deal with it and I struggle sometimes as well. I could not work away half the week as her needs means she needs me and what I have to offer. He tries but he just can’t connect the same way.

@StopInhalingRevels No way would he be able to cope with them if we split. If forced they would end up with his parents.

OP have you ever clearly pointed out to him the hypocrisy in his invalidation of your hard days considering he can't cope with them both alone and never does? That is clear, empirical proof that he fully gets how hard your days are but is choosing not to empathise with you. I would point this out to him very specifically, that is a choice he's making every time he won't validate you, and it's a choice that harming the relationship. You've put your own career on the back burner so he can have his - the least he could do is show you a bit of appreciation.

Okay. How about if I tell you this will end up damaging your daughter.

My mum didn’t understand my emotions either. We
fought every single day. I ended up moving out at 17. I did well, but it was bloody hard. My ADHD was diagnosed in my 40s and everything made sense. Just cost me about £10k in therapy over the years, plus years spent no-contact.

Your daughter deserves more.

@FunZebra that is sad. Daughter is 8 and diagnosed and she has me and my family and the school. She is doing well but she is just very demand avoidant, it’s hard.

His dm sounds ADHD and so does he.

Avoidant, stressed easily.

I know that feeling. Our eldest has ADHD and then we've got twins to boot.

There is no one in my family who can look after all of them together apart from me. I am "on call" 24/7 and it's literally broken me. I want to shake them (my family and DH, not the kids lol) for being so deliberately incompetent. Because I'm not a fucking magician. It's not like I've got the kids under a spell only I can master. No one else gives a fuck and just dumps it all on me, like that's the obvious expectation, of mum, the pack laden donkey. And if I ever suggest I need a break, or some help? Don't I know how busy they are?....

Sorry if that's venting a little. Just to say, I know how you feel. And they are fucking arseholes for minimising what we do, when they've never bothered to do it a fucking day in their lives. Weaponised incompetence I think is the technical term.

That felt good to get off my chest.

Living with a parent that makes no attempt to understand or support her will destroy her through.

@StopInhalingRevels thank you for understanding.

Yes exactly this. You can not even have 1 minute to go pee in peace without your baby hanging off you. How much house work??!! You haven’t got a clue - I can spend all day tidying round after my toddler and still be in the same position housework-wise as when the day set out. When my little one goes to bed at 20.30 that’s when my proper cleaning starts/ironing etc. as it’s impossible to do jobs like that with them around. I don’t sit down until 22.00. Nobody can compare their life’s to another and slate them for it as we all have different sizes of house etc. I have an older, larger home with a big garden and that for example takes a lot more effort and maintenance etc. than a small new build for example with a postage stamp sized piece of grass. Add into that I pick up a few hours work a week completing projects from home it’s non stop. Luckily my Husband sees how much I have to do in a day tho when he works from home. He would not swap places with me in a million years 😂

I think you should say calmly I’ve decided I can’t afford to give all this support I don’t get back. If I message you or tell you I’ve had a really tough day your response is to say try being at work, and completely dismiss that I might be feeling down as it’s been tough at home. You should understand, since you can’t cope with them for half an hour, but since it’s not you you don’t. You know what feeling wiped out is, since you complain all the time. You know what support looks like, since you get it from me all the time. But that’s done. From now on if you message or tell me about your hard day I’ll say try a full day with your children. Until support can be mutual I’m keeping my energy for myself like you do.

It’s not the housework it’s the child been constantly at you while trying to get anything done and then undoing something else and creating a disaster somewhere else just so you can even get lunch for them. I’m just trying to stick up for Sahp here as it’s relentless (i choose to do it and wouldn’t have it any other way but it’s exhausting and relentless).

Honestly sometimes I wonder if I have clicked on a men's rights forum instead of a supposed supportive women centred group. The attitude toward SAHMs on here stinks.

You all know perfectly well that yes, there are people who are employed full time doing housework and that being a SAHM routinely involves the bulk of childrearing and all the family and household management.

The OP is not only doing housework she has two high needs kids and gets precisely zero support from a partner who has continued his own life as if he were childfree with no changes - he isn't even competent or willing to paraent his own children for a couple of hours. That isnt' a partner - its a waste of space.

Oh and that catch all that his superior man's work is paid whilst hers isn't - did you selectively avoid the part where she provided the roof over their head, so the only requirement on his income is day to day bills and running costs. No rent, no mortgage.

OP: please read through your own posts and imagine it was one of your daughter's posting. What advice would you give her? Life can be better than this and a partner who is a millstone is not a partner.

I also thought ADHD meant heightened emotions. I know my daughter has big emotions that she struggles with. My MIL is as cold as ice and my partner doesn’t seem to have many emotions at all. His mum will laugh or ignore any show of emotions. There is something going on with her.

But the OP a herself has said how awful it is being home with a screaming toddler all day. She has agency to change that. She can book the child into nursery sessions - if money isn't a problem (which she says it isn't) then she could even do this just to have a break (rather than going to work.) the older child is in school so she would have time at home with no kids.

I agree that her dh sounds utterly crap on giving emotional support and caring for his own kids- and that's a bigger problem. Maybe she should leave him.

But for right now there are solutions to make life easier. The OP has said 'no one else helps' - well of course her dh should be parenting with her. But outside of the couple, no one else is obliged to help. She doesn't need to sit around waiting for her mum to provide childcare, or her dh's shifts to change so she can work more. Paid childcare will help, because that's their job. It sounds like that will instantly improve the OPs life. Then she can tackle the bigger issue of having had kids with a useless husband.

I disagree that the attitude towards SAHM stinks. I imagine all of us with children will have been at home at some point, whether on Mat leave or longer. Like I say I've been there myself on 3 Mat leaves, third time with 3 under fives. Yes it's relentless, but there's no point being a martyr. Many of us could only afford childcare for the hours we worked (so there was no break, it was either looking after the kids at home/ being at work while the kids were at nursery) The OP is in the fortunate position to be able to afford childcare regardless of whether she's working or not so why not take advantage of this and do something which will instantly improve her life?

@lolly792 you are making it seem very black and white. I love my children very much. A lot of the time I love being with my toddler. I also have elderly relatives I need to see each day. It’s never so easy as to just say go and work more. When she is two I would like to arrange doing more work but that involves shifting around lots of things and people who rely on me. I think I’ve realised the issue is just not having a “partner” for much of the time. There will always been times I need a little support.

Maybe things come across more black and white when written down - because i absolutely know how damn hard it is. I remember the relentless hours being at home with a newborn and two other under- 5s. It can feel isolating and difficult. I also know that going back to work is a tough gig. We had no family within 150 miles so there was never any question of relying on others, it was always nursery.

Your dh is not taking on the role of parent seriously and that's a massive issue. There's no quick fix and it may be that separating is the right thing.

I'm just trying to suggest immediate actions to make your life a little easier. Even if you split with your dh, the issue of being with a screaming child and not having a partner who supports emotionally will still remain. That's why I advise doing what you can do to alleviate things now

Ha. We have a 6 bed house, 2x more than full time jobs (including about 50% travel for me and 20% him), a teenager, a dog, 3 cars, 2 motorbikes and no cleaner.

I bet 80% of your housework is completely unnecessary.

Parenting can be difficult - we all have to learn it, but I don’t think “can’t” is a viable option.

What if something happens to you?! Even 6 weeks of a broken leg or arm is going to throw a lot of parenting onto him. He needs to be able to step up.

ADHD is different in every person.

I learned that emotions weren’t welcomed as a young child and have had to unlearn that.

This is perfect advice.

@FunZebra I suppose it’s different if it’s spotted early on. A lot can happen over the years, I wonder if some like my MiL have completely disconnected her emotions having never been formally diagnosed (her sons are and the dad is fine). I know emotions can feel so overwhelming that the brain just shuts it all off for protection.

"Ha"?????

I've never seen someone missing the point so repeatedly.

You've got no childcare. You have one teenager.