Partner shows me no appreciation or understanding when home all day with young children.

[Isowouldlike]

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he works full time and I only work one afternoon a week but I also look after the kids and do all the house work and cleaning. He will do the gardening when home and the DIY. I’m not moaning about the division of work. My issue is that when I tell him I’m overwhelmed or stressed or at the end of my tether some days he just goes yeah yeah it’s hard at work also. I’m not looking for a competition of who is more stressed I’m just looking for him to understand. To say I see you here go take a bath or a hug.

Ive a 1.5 year old and an 8 year old with ADHD and mentally I’m drained and just want someone to give a shit about me some times. He gets adult conversations at work, he doesn’t do much of the work with the eldest with ADHD as he just gets annoyed and that’s of no help at all. I may not be getting paid but I’m putting so much in and no one is filling my cup so to speak.

I think what people don’t seem to realise is that we don’t all have the same size plates. What some manage others find hard. It’s never so simple as what we write down also, there is often a lot more going on. Just because you can manage doesn’t mean you can tell someone they shouldn’t be finding it so hard, it’s invalidating. I get enough invalidating at home.

I know.

The ridiculousness of not realising a house that has no one in it all day, shock horror, doesn't need much cleaning.

I could have a nineteen bedroom house. If there's only an adult couple, and a near adult child, then that's actually two bedrooms that have anyone in them and a load of unused rooms. Unused rooms don't need cleaning.

And I had to laugh at the "we've got three cars" don't you know. The fuck has that got to do with anything??? We've got 6. My house must be much harder to clean then.

We’ve got 2 cars a camper van and a folding trailer tent and another trailer and a roof box.

She is now. She wasn’t a teenager when she came out of me. All other details the same…….

Shes a 13 year old with ADHD though, so more like an 11 year old in terms of street smarts/emotional regulation/executive function. So needs more “childcare” than a regular 13 year old.

🖕

So what is actually going to change? Your husband isn’t. Your MIL isn’t. You aren’t responding to any suggestions of how you can grab life and make changes so see you back here next year for more of the same?

I’m looking for a bit of validation that sometimes it’s just hard. Otherwise the replies are just like my partners, an offer of a fix. I’m not stupid, I know of the possible fixes.

We are all different, with different triggers, and feel stress and anxiety for different reasons and in different intensities. We all deserve to be seen, heard and valued... Especially by those who claim to love us.

I don't have the answers I'm sorry, but I do understand and hear you x

Yeah, my teen DS has ADHD. So don't try that card, it's lousy form.

One teenage kid out of the house creates bugger all housework. It's not a difficult concept. Well, it appears to be to you...

Woah. It’s not empty all day? DH works from home 80% of the time, me 50%. DD out at school and then needs taking to her various activities. There’s a dog and we’re in Wales where it rains about 90% of the time so there’s a lot of mud and water comes off her.

We all have different diets, so that’s 3 dinners a night get cooked. Washing, bathrooms, home maintenance, vehicle maintenance, food shopping etc. We still manage with having very little time during any given day to stay on top of stuff.

I’m not saying this is easy at all but the issue is OP, you aren’t in a partnership. You have a high needs toddler and a child with neurodivergence and an arsehole of a husband that leaves you to all of it.

Being a martyr hasn’t worked. Asking your husband for help hasn’t worked. SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, OP?

(As the house is yours maybe you could put the husband in the campervan.)

Agree with above. I am stuck working full time and doing everything else now. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, washing and ironing. It’s easier to just get on with it I find. “D”h potters a lot pretending to be busy. It’s really frustrating but there’s nothing to be done

Unnecessary housework - you haven’t got a fucking clue what I do and don’t do in a day - I’m up to my growler and literally can not fit everything in - I came on here to stick up for Sahp - Ive not slated anybody / you have come on here to gloat and put people down. Wind your head in love.

Maybe all kids with ADHD aren’t the same?

She can destroy a room in about 8 seconds. No floordrobes in your house? No half completed art projects? Piles of books they’re in the middle of reading? No object permanence meaning everything has to be visible or it doesn’t exist? Musical instruments in multiple rooms? Multiple air cadets uniforms? Practically all the cups and glasses from the kitchen?

You’re very lucky if none of that applies. Are sure they have ADHD?

I’m intrigued. Do you clean everything multiple times a day with a toothbrush?

OP, you don't need validation.

You just have shit people around you, and that's a hard pill to swallow. It's my pill too, that's why I get you.

They couldn't do a day in your shoes. Well, they could, if they ever bothered enough to make it so. But that ship sailed many moons ago.

It's unbelievably hard. And so much easier to be in an adult work place. With only yourself to think about.

I think a lot of it is inner resentment. Of women with decent partners who pull their weight instead of huffing about being a hero because they have a very important salary. Of women who have supportive parents and in laws who want to have their grandchildren and competently do so,. saving thousands in childcare fees and giving you a break regularly. To not have all that, and then have these pricks minimise what you do, all day, every day, when they've never done it once.... It's so hard.

But what can you do? They won't change and that's who we've ended up having children with. They weren't like this before kids, or gave any suggestion they would be, god knows I wouldn't have chosen this situation if I knew then what I know now.

Anyway. OP clearly isn’t interested in doing anything to create a change so I guess I’ll go and clean all the windows with a cotton bud.

@FunZebra Im too knackered. I suffer with chronic fatigue so everything is 100 times worse.

I'm not a doctor. But the four consultants he's under seem convinced, perhaps you should let them know you have doubts . What with his lack of half completed art projects.

She's got three cars! Three!

Don't you know how much time it takes to tend to a parked vehicle every day? Let alone three. And somehow she copes!

(I wouldn't pay too much attention to how "clever" this poster is lol)

Woah. Just an enormous drip feed there!

I am sorry to hear that.

One’s a very rare sports car with a 4000 mile service interval that’s only done at a garage 80 miles away. So not that average.

Can (and do) run rings around most people to be fair.

Oh do fuck off dear and find somebody else to show off to - nobody cares about what you do and don’t have. Go and paint your nails or whatever it is that keeps you busy.

lol.

Most people have illnesses and trauma and this and that. Im not special in that. Shouldn’t have to beg for some empathy now and again.

I would in all seriousness have a talk with your other half and if you love him and want to be with him have a real heart to heart because at the end of the day you have nothing to lose. You are doing a sterling job and it’s difficult not to be appreciated (I am appreciated by my husband and it’s still tough) so to get no recognition it hard. Strength and love to you x

Most people don’t have chronic fatigue. That does make everything harder.

But it’s still true that nobody else is going to cha fe anything. So do you stay as you are, or do you do something different?

there’s been some great advice on this thread but I suspect it’s all falling on deaf ears.