He is jealous of 'my past' and I'm sick of it. LTB?

[cccb]

I've been in a relationship with a man for just over a year. And tbh I feel like a fog is lifting and i can see that the relationship may be toxic, I think i just dont want to let it go as i really bought into 'us' and everything he said to me, he has seemed like the perfect guy for me - very similar taste in music, movies, books, a major shared hobby, both love travel and want the same things out of life, strong physical attraction etc etc. He is 45, I am 36. Both divorced. I have one dc, he has none but says this was because he knew he and his wife wouldn't last but that he would want children of his own, with me. At times it has seemed so good to be true, how much he says he loves me and how he has never felt like this before.

But. I find him quite domineering and possibly controlling/jealous, and I can't push it down and put on the rosy glasses anymore. Since I've met him, he has had a problem with my 'past', as in the fact I have had a few relationships and one night stands as well as obviously being married before. He had 2 gfs as a teen before meeting his wife at 18 and then they were together for 24 years. I was married 7 years, before that had about 4 2-year relationships and in between had some fun, nothing crazy just casual stuff/ons. Pretty normal I think for a 36 year old woman in this day and age. But for him, he says he can't have sex without love/feelings, and he has only slept with 4 women including me, whereas my 'number' is probably more like 20. He brings this up a lot, asking me if i did things (such as taking a bath with him, or certain sex stuff) with other boyfriends, and being a little weird about the idea of it. He also makes comments about how if I loved other boyfriends and those relationships ended, how do I know I wont lose feelings for him too. At the start, when we were friends first before dating, he encouraged me to be open with him and open up but i think that I shared way too much as i felt too comfortable with him, now he uses stuff against me I said months ago.

The other night, he also said he'd searched me and my ex husband online as he wanted to know if I had been in love with my ex-H as much as i am with him, and found our honeymoon website and he said i had misrepresented my (very unhappy, emotionally abusive) marriage when i had talked about it because i'd had this 'huge' (it was actually pretty small) wedding and romantic honeymoon, 7 years ago(!) According to him because he had a cheap reg office wedding and no honeymoon, his own marriage doesn't count as a sign of that type of 'love' and he and his wife were just like friends. He then called into question that i had had a boyfriend from his country (when i was 19) and that although he had also had girlfriends at that age, he hadn't been 'travelling round the world having sex with them'. He is also frequently saying stuff like he doesn't know who I really am and he isn't sure he can trust me, because i had an 'exit affair' from my marriage which I deeply, deeply regret (it wasnt with him.) Then other times he says he thinks i am amazing and he wants to be with me forever. He is upset i havent told my ex-h i am seeing someone else, although we have very little contact now He also says I am too obsessed with talented people (well, men) as I love a lot of male singers/actors and he says I will just leave him for the next shiny thing. Case in point, we went to a one man play at the theatre which I love as it's so intimate and a strong actor can really carry a whole play, and afterwards he sulked all the way home then started an argument saying I obviously fancied the guy (who was middle aged and not attractive at all) because I said i really enjoyed the play. He is also jealous of my dd's bio dad who I havent had contact with for 3 years, because i once said I had really been in love with him (before he left me when i was pregnant) and he has more than once said if dd bio dad came back, he thinks I would leave for him, which is really nuts IMO.

He had a religious upbringing and has some pretty conservative ideas about money, politics, and his brothers and dad sound awful with DV and treating their women badly. He prides himself on not being 'like them' but actually i think maybe he is misogynistic, like Mr Sensitive in lundy bancroft!?

He says he is not jealous, he says he is not controlling, that he doesnt care about my past, but I actually think that is BS. I don't think he will ever get over the fact that unlike him I didnt have just one relationship for my whole adult life. That I have had sex outside of a relationship. He even once said he wished we were both virgins when we met(! given our ages!!) and that he didn't like thinking I had loved other men before and he wants to 'feel like someone special'. I constantly tell him how much I love him, I have written him love poems, etc.. but it is never enough. His insecurity is just killing it. We have argued so many times about this stuff and today i just feel done, but not even sad about it.

This will not get better, right? Or can it, if i lay it on the line now?

Well done OP! You’re luckier than most… now run!

I’m really happy to read that you’ve worked on yourself and are in a stronger better place and importantly you have a good support group of friends and family.

Please please please do not let this guy cut you off from that support group. Men like this will slowly beat you down and cut you off so you have to depend on them which makes it harder for you to stand up for yourself. He will shatter your self confidence and make you as insecure as he is if you allow him. Your life will revolve around trying desperately to keep him happy at the expense of your happiness.

Two thoughts I had reading your posts:

1. Before dating he found out what your interests are and then pretended to share them. See his response to the one-man play for how any theatre-loving was fake.

2. He has told you a false version of events about his marriage that make him come off as honourable. It's possible he didn't have children because he didn't want to share her with a child. He will feel the same way about your DC. I hope she didn't miss her chance to have children if she wanted them.

When someone is as emotionally immature as this there's really no hope and being logical is futile. He will always have a different version of reality.

I think.it will only get worse . Better to get out now .

My husband is from the Midwest of the USA, and I can confirm that there are some surprising transatlantic cultural differences, much as these days we like to think of Britain and the US as very similar.

My DH would think it normal for couples to go to the GP together for everything. His parents have been together 60 years and have always gone to all of each others appointments.

When we were first married I told him that this (and opening each other’s post) was not something I would find acceptable in our relationship and he said OK.

That conversation was 25 very happy years ago and he’s never opened a letter of mine since the first time and never come in to see my doctor unless he was asked. He accepts my personal boundaries without question even though he doesn’t always share them.

Hi, I want to share my experience with you. Huge similarities. Mine was actually my first bf and I was his first gf when we were teenagers, in my parents' country (like Turkey). Conservative environment, very nice guy, doesn't drink or smoke, no kids, nothing too weird, own job, lives with parents and looks after them. He came back into my life about after over 30 years and we got together a couple of years ago. How romantic, right?!

Immediately he was jealous of my past, saying he didn't know if he could accept it. He asked for details, names, trying to "explain" to me why I'd had that relationship, type of sex. He said my DCs should have been his, really. He demanded details of my past sexual experiences but never gave even the briefest of details in return. I guessed some. We live in a small place and there was always a feeling that others knew things about him that I didn't.

He was even more immature and naive than yours. At 55 he had never had a proper relationship before. I had been his first gf, he just had flings after that and accepted he had problems connecting with women. Apparently I was the only woman who understands him. This is true but it's not necessarily healthy. It was very flattering that he'd kept the letters I'd written, things I'd sent BUT he would do the following:

1. prevented me from having a car
2. prevented me from wearing make up
3. told me I'm too attractive and that I get too much male attention
4. stalk my past, looked up my exes
5. stalk my posts on FB. He had a fake account with just me and his best friend on it, so it was easy for him to read my posts and see who had liked or commented
6. ask to see messages if anyone male got in touch. Would accuse me of having flings or meetings with them
7. punish me about past relationships and things I did. In defence I'd ask him to reflect on his own experiences, which were as "bad" if not worse, from the little he told me
8. tried to control what I bought in my house, and from whom
9. acted like he owned my house. When I had workmen he walked in first to show them the jobs, told them what to do, etc.
10. criticised most of my choices, including which shoes to wear
11. expected me to eat with his family all the time, laying on emotional manipulation if I said no ("they are elderly", "they love you")
12. checked my body for bruises and if there were any, suggested they were from being with another man
13. told me he didn't buy gifts - although he did buy me one or two
14. if I'd buy those gift things for myself, he would sulk
15. started arguments if I suggested doing anything. Holiday, a break, hotel, going out for the evening. All my choices were undermined
16. most lately, if I had a work meeting online with a male, he would ask to sit in or would accidentally be present at the time of the meeting. Then he would see how the colleague looked and would usually accuse the colleague of being interested in taking me to bed. He'd see sex where there was none
17. he would say hurtful things - usually about looking at other women
18. then he'd say it was a joke, and that I couldn't take a joke
19. he'd say that certain jobs were not "my thing"
20. he watched me mow my lawn once and criticised every little thing, despite my asking him to do it instead. It was good enough for me, and I've lived well by myself

It then got a bit more sinister, and he tried to make out in public like I was the one chasing him. He would answer my calls in front of his friends making it sound like I was being demanding. If we were out for meals he would act indifferent, go on his phone or detach. If I was visiting his house, he would pop across to speak to his (mostly female) neighbours. In public he would belittle me and my job ("you did well but you could have done better"). He would often set up debates between his friend and me so I would look like the smaller person. He started rumours about me that I wanted to have his baby, that I wanted him to move in with me. He would say things like "she has the titles for x [my job], but I am the real x".

Everything was a battle. There ended up being very little I liked about him and I would stay away more and more. I love him because he was the first man I was truly in love with, we met on the spur of the moment and it was love at first sight. But he has also been a hurtful, harmful man. I am more disappointed than in love. Time to step up to that.

I dumped him just recently. In the end, one night when we were out, in the middle of one of his condescending lectures in front of everyone (including his sister and other family members) I calmly gave him a warning that he was being condescending and hateful to me. Then when he did it again, I got up and walked off in front of everyone. I then texted him from home and told him I never want to be with him again.

He also undermined that, contacting me a few days later suggesting I couldn't possibly mean it, but I held firm and have been silent since.

I'm lucky that our families are friends and my extended family is looking out for me and encouraging me to keep away from him. It's really hard, partly because I'm vulnerable to this sort of attention. Men like this make us feel important but the truth is that the only people they think about are themselves. Everything is for their own ego.

Sorry this is long but I think we need warning about this sort of predator. This is more common than we realise and as we get older, there is probably more space for "men from the past" to make a presence.

Please end it and give yourself some space. Step up on self care and look after yourself, and your children. Men like this get in the way of families, sooner or later.

If he loved you and was comfortable he wouldn’t be judging or delving into your past. I think around a year with someone the rose tinted glasses come off anyway. If he is religious maybe that’s why he doesn’t understand. You don’t have to live your life a certain way because of him. He sounds anxious and needy.

I'm resurrecting an old username to say: run for the hills!

Over 10 years ago I posted about a similar sounding awful man and MN helped me realise he was an emotionally abusive shit.

It had a long-lasting effect on me and I chose to stay single for years afterwards. I eventually met a lovely man and the contrast is stark - I've had more 'experience' than him but he doesn't care. (Whereas awful man wanted me to apologise for my 'number', including writing essays?!)

You're not married, don't have kids - knock it on the head. You will feel a great sense of relief.

If you split (and you should) do it over the phone. There is no reason to meet up with him. If he’s ever had access to your phone I would check it for tracking spyware.

I never say this lightly, but seriously run

@cccb I was once told, "A relationship is supposed to enhance your life. If it isn't, why are you in it? "

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never thought of it like that.

As I posted before, I did get out and happily remarry.

So I'm saying to you, "This relationship is not adding anything to your life, so why are you in it?. It's not enhancing your life, so you have your answer."

You may have to involve the police etc to finally remove. Just do it, please

Yes, he needs to be dumped.

Be careful though, this type can turn nasty…

Run. He will get worse not better.

"he hadn't been 'travelling round the world having sex with them'. "

...and he is utterly consumed with jealousy and resentment that you were. Because he is older, and male, he expects to be more experienced, more knowledgeable, more worldly wise. The fact that you've been to more countries, shagged more people and lived young and free in London all your twenties (Cool Britannia was in full swing when he was in his twenties and was still kind of a thing when you were- the London Olympics and so on) means if you stay together, he will never "catch up" and he'll never be at peace with that.

You like books, movies and a shared hobby- I bet he hates it if you ever do better at the shared hobby, or if it turns out that you have read more book or seen more films by a certain author/ director. As a PP said, if you stay with him you will have to make yourself and your life smaller and smaller and even then it won't be enough. If you have a child do you think he'll look after the kids for a bit so you can go to a night class on your own or go on a city break with your mates to somewhere he has never been ? Hell no, barefoot and pregnant will be the order of the day.

If he is doing to this to you, imagine how he would try and control your DC from a different man who he carries jealousy and insecurities for, imagine what love and obyance he would demand from them and how he would punish them if he did not get every bit that he wanted. Imagine what he would impose on any DCs you went on to have together. Every time you waver, think of this.

Please do not ignore these red flags.

There is nothing positive about this man. His behaviour is appalling. This is not normal, healthy behaviour.

He doesn't view you as an equal he views you as a possession.

I believe your past, your sex life, and your choices are not his concern.
He will bring you to a messed up place, and it will never stop.
Does he make put down comments frequently?
Look at it as a big step to being aware of your boundaries, self respect that his behaviour is unhealthy, so you are heading towards a better relationship one day.
These men trap you, suffocate and make it difficult to leave.
Leave him! Then send back to the USA!

I would imagine that eventually he would start to become jealous of your relationship with your dc too.
So many wise words in this thread.
Please listen to what you are being told and finish with this person asap.

Yes this reasoning is bonkers

I had an ex like this OP, and as this poster states the bizarre jealousy about my past was just a first red flag of control and abuse that followed. Run like the wind, now!

Insecure and needy. Get rid!

Completely agree and again, that is prob why i have not introduced him to dc. The gut is very helpful! He has previously said that he would feel 'excluded' if i ever wanted to e.g. go on holiday with my dc alone, which i sort of laughed off at the time and he backtracked but it actually sounds quite likely. He has a bit of an obsession with my ex-h as well as my dc's bio dad and i am sick of having to justify things to him, i am divorced, so whats the issue? And btw he is still friends with his ex wife and goes round her house sometimes! I can only imagine what he would say if i did that with my ex-h! He has harbored resentment towards me for a while because i didn't tell him every time me and ex-h spoke, which was usually regarding my dc for whom ex-h is/was a father figure. He said i was untrustworthy for this. He has called me a liar a few times, which i hate. Weirdly also he NEVER admits to being 'angry' and will only use the word 'aggravated'!? Like thats so much better than anger.
Writing on this thread is so cathartic. I didnt expect such a strong response or maybe i did and thats what i needed to read.

I ignored a red flag of him going through my laptop while I was out then berating me about old pics of exes . And also punishing me nastily because a male GP had given me an examination. It looks bizarre written down, I was insane to stay with him but I went on to make myself financially dependant in him and move hundreds of miles to live with him. That was the power of the coercive control.

Get out now honestly.

Yes, I would end things.

"He has previously said that he would feel 'excluded' if i ever wanted to e.g. go on holiday with my dc alone"

Jeez get him in the bin ASAP.