He is jealous of 'my past' and I'm sick of it. LTB?

[cccb]

I've been in a relationship with a man for just over a year. And tbh I feel like a fog is lifting and i can see that the relationship may be toxic, I think i just dont want to let it go as i really bought into 'us' and everything he said to me, he has seemed like the perfect guy for me - very similar taste in music, movies, books, a major shared hobby, both love travel and want the same things out of life, strong physical attraction etc etc. He is 45, I am 36. Both divorced. I have one dc, he has none but says this was because he knew he and his wife wouldn't last but that he would want children of his own, with me. At times it has seemed so good to be true, how much he says he loves me and how he has never felt like this before.

But. I find him quite domineering and possibly controlling/jealous, and I can't push it down and put on the rosy glasses anymore. Since I've met him, he has had a problem with my 'past', as in the fact I have had a few relationships and one night stands as well as obviously being married before. He had 2 gfs as a teen before meeting his wife at 18 and then they were together for 24 years. I was married 7 years, before that had about 4 2-year relationships and in between had some fun, nothing crazy just casual stuff/ons. Pretty normal I think for a 36 year old woman in this day and age. But for him, he says he can't have sex without love/feelings, and he has only slept with 4 women including me, whereas my 'number' is probably more like 20. He brings this up a lot, asking me if i did things (such as taking a bath with him, or certain sex stuff) with other boyfriends, and being a little weird about the idea of it. He also makes comments about how if I loved other boyfriends and those relationships ended, how do I know I wont lose feelings for him too. At the start, when we were friends first before dating, he encouraged me to be open with him and open up but i think that I shared way too much as i felt too comfortable with him, now he uses stuff against me I said months ago.

The other night, he also said he'd searched me and my ex husband online as he wanted to know if I had been in love with my ex-H as much as i am with him, and found our honeymoon website and he said i had misrepresented my (very unhappy, emotionally abusive) marriage when i had talked about it because i'd had this 'huge' (it was actually pretty small) wedding and romantic honeymoon, 7 years ago(!) According to him because he had a cheap reg office wedding and no honeymoon, his own marriage doesn't count as a sign of that type of 'love' and he and his wife were just like friends. He then called into question that i had had a boyfriend from his country (when i was 19) and that although he had also had girlfriends at that age, he hadn't been 'travelling round the world having sex with them'. He is also frequently saying stuff like he doesn't know who I really am and he isn't sure he can trust me, because i had an 'exit affair' from my marriage which I deeply, deeply regret (it wasnt with him.) Then other times he says he thinks i am amazing and he wants to be with me forever. He is upset i havent told my ex-h i am seeing someone else, although we have very little contact now He also says I am too obsessed with talented people (well, men) as I love a lot of male singers/actors and he says I will just leave him for the next shiny thing. Case in point, we went to a one man play at the theatre which I love as it's so intimate and a strong actor can really carry a whole play, and afterwards he sulked all the way home then started an argument saying I obviously fancied the guy (who was middle aged and not attractive at all) because I said i really enjoyed the play. He is also jealous of my dd's bio dad who I havent had contact with for 3 years, because i once said I had really been in love with him (before he left me when i was pregnant) and he has more than once said if dd bio dad came back, he thinks I would leave for him, which is really nuts IMO.

He had a religious upbringing and has some pretty conservative ideas about money, politics, and his brothers and dad sound awful with DV and treating their women badly. He prides himself on not being 'like them' but actually i think maybe he is misogynistic, like Mr Sensitive in lundy bancroft!?

He says he is not jealous, he says he is not controlling, that he doesnt care about my past, but I actually think that is BS. I don't think he will ever get over the fact that unlike him I didnt have just one relationship for my whole adult life. That I have had sex outside of a relationship. He even once said he wished we were both virgins when we met(! given our ages!!) and that he didn't like thinking I had loved other men before and he wants to 'feel like someone special'. I constantly tell him how much I love him, I have written him love poems, etc.. but it is never enough. His insecurity is just killing it. We have argued so many times about this stuff and today i just feel done, but not even sad about it.

This will not get better, right? Or can it, if i lay it on the line now?

Every post is worse. Please just end things with him.

He says he is not jealous, he says he is not controlling

Well he would say that, wouldn't he? He's hardly going to admit to being a jealous, controlling arsehole.

You clearly have doubts, and have taken the rose-tinted glasses off now. It is becoming clear to you that this is not the relationship you hoped it would be, so perhaps it is time to make that decision.

@2catsandhappy, @TheMauveTiger sounds like we had the same man!
I was quizzed about previous boyfriends and sexual experiences a few times a year too, going over the same stuff and getting annoyed if things I said were slightly different and they may well have been as I would have changed things slightly because I knew how his reaction would be. He would remember the exact detail and it was exactly like a barrister’s quizzing.
It was always done through the night and I wouldn’t have had much sleep when going to work the next day (shift worker). He would say things like how can you do such things? It was all made out to be I was disgusting.
I had no benefit of Mumsnet and didn’t know what was going on. I married him and moved in whereupon everything ramped up in relation to his jealousy.
Suddenly he couldn’t understand why I was wearing makeup (hardly any)
Why was I wearing those clothes when I was not with him.
Why did I drink alcohol if I was out
Did I fancy his friends?
Saw a boyfriend on the public viewing area whilst we were playing badminton, saying nothing he left the court, changed and drove off leaving me there.
Saw a man ask me if I knew where something was in B&Q, replied I didn’t and that was enough for him to leave me stranded miles from home.
Insisted he pick me up from a camera club I went to, on the pretence of safety although I must leave 10mins before it finished and do the walk of shame across the screen.
Would turn up at my place of work 15 miles away and walk around trying to find me.
Would cause arguments and accusations if I was more than 10 mins late from work.
I wasn’t allowed to go out after work for a quick drink with colleagues (which was the norm at this time)
Had to go out for a drink with work once as it was in my honour for something. He turned up and threatened me not to come home if I went, then bombarded the switchboard all evening trying to find out where I was.
Suddenly it was easier not to go out without him and I lost all my friends as he made them uncomfortable.
There was so much more and it was becoming more physical, doors punched things thrown.
His behaviour was all my fault apparently, he would rape me anally “to teach me a lesson”.
@cccb I’m 58 now and it’s only due to the years of reading Mumsnet that I can understand what this was all about and make sense of it. How I wish that Mumsnet had been around in those days and I could have learnt from the similar experience of others.
Please listen to everyone.
It will get worse for you, it never gets better, the early years are supposed to be the best. My ex went on to treat his next girlfriend in exactly the same way. You can’t change the way he thinks. You have not wasted a year, you have gained an important life experience which will help you in future relationships and maybe those of others close to you.

My goodness, this is terrible to read. Happy that you’re out of it now though.
Mine also used to question me incessantly about past relationships and would try to catch me out on details. He also used to quiz me late into the night when I just wanted to sleep!

He's attempting to hold something over you that you can't change.

In time you'll be browbeaten to apologise and accept his insults or pleading wiht him in an attempt to calm him down when he brings it up.

If you were an absolute virgin when you met, he would find something -like you looking at another man or being 20 mins late in the door because your bus broke down and he'll be up and down convinced that every nanosecond you get, you are off shagging other men behind his back. In mixed groups if you even look at a man who's telling a joke, expect to be hauled either verbally or physically about it in private.

These men never change. They are jealous and controlling and your life together will be a misery. You'll be called all sorts of names and accused of all sorts of awful things, in front of your child.

This is not a man to let into your child's home - you know that though, your gut is telling you something important there. It's up to you to show her what relationships are, and you don't want her seeing this as her template for her own relationships. It's only a year of your life, so bin him now for her sake.

"I thought maybe a weird Northern Ireland family."

We may be weird but we're not that weird ;-)

I’m frightened for you if you keep dating this man, Op

I just have gotten so invested. I would miss him in a lot of ways

Go back to therapy. You'd be doing yourself a favour because if this is the type of man you want in your life, then you need intervention and your previous therapy hasn't worked for you.

You've let a paranoid weirdo into your life. You are a mother with a child to take care of and not only does this tool not care about that, pestering you with his nonsense - you are allowing him to. Now it seems you are just musing about him. This time could be focused on your child . I hope this oddball isn't anywhere near your child, for a start. Where are your family and friends? Perhaps you've not told them details because you know they'd ask what on earth you're playing at. We can all do silly things as women at times but there's a limit and this one is way beyond the remits of what normal boundaries should be

What all these men have in common is a deep insecurity, they can't match up to the toxic male image they have in their heads. Every time they see you look at another man, talk too one, hear about your past, they see that you have lived a seperate life without them and they need to punish you . You can't cure them and it's a waste if your time trying.

I had one like this ...same ages & age gap too.

The similarities, like many other posters, in his behaviour are uncanny.

These men really are a type and their behavioural patterns are incredibly common.

You are correct that it won't stop and won't change.

Mine didn't and I ended it after a year and 3 months. I'd seen the behaviour start - after believing he was my soul mate, amazing and more in my corner than anyone I'd ever met - about 3 months in. So I ended it about a year later than I should have.

And let's face it, you're ending it months after you should have, too.

But the time it takes to see it, and see the pattern and realise it's not going to work; is the time it takes.

It takes time to get to know someone.

I had never experienced that type of man before and kept giving chances and trying to reason with him etc. Now, with that experience and older, I'd know there was no point.
It sounds like you hadn't either.

I would be very interested indeed to hear his wife's side of the story of their relationship and marriage. They got together very young. He was probably able to manipulate her because she was with him from so young, but eventually over time and as she got older, maybe she realised how dysfunctional it was. Maybe she had enough.

I don't know if they had any fertility issues or losses but it's also extremely unusual for a couple together & married for 20 plus years to not have kids. Yes, there are people who don't want them, but they tend to be the exception to the rule. I would wonder what happened there too.

Whatever the case, this type of man tortures the woman he's with. There is no winning. It's also a massive turn off - emotionally and sexually, as you seem to be experiencing.

I wouldn't waste any more of your time on him. He can't be fixed. He would have to fix himself and he never will.

Incidentally, in retrospect, mine - waxed lyrical about his intelligence and talked a big talk etc. but I came to the conclusion that he's actually pretty dumb and basic (and extremely immature/stunted developmentally) as well.

His emotional intelligence seems to be that of a 17 year old.

If it hasn’t matured into his forties, it likely never will.

He’s a lunatic. Get rid of him!

Oh and the reason they don't finish the relationship, even though they're unhappy and insecure and unsettled and rattled and don't feel comfortable about abcdef and on (and on) ....... is that they know they're not going to get any better or different.

They know they're not going to get a virgin, they know they're not going to get a woman who hasn't had several partners, they know they're unlikely to get a woman who hasn't had a casual encounter or two, they know they're likely to encounter some form of infidelity in many people's pasts, they know they're unlikely to get a woman who hasn't been married, they know they're unlikely to get a woman who has no kids etc etc.....

so having snared you (and at nearly a decade younger, believe me, you're a very good catch for them) they haven't got the slightest intention of getting rid of you.

But still they just can't help torturing you due to their bottomless pit of jealousy, insecurity, immaturity, desire for control etc.

I also firmly believe that behind a lot of it lies a values issue (their values around women and relationships).
That sounds like it's also the case with your stbex and his upbringing/family etc.

This has been extremely eye opening even just in the past day. Thanks everyone who has posted. For those who don't want to hear me 'musing', maybe don't go on a relationship advice forum?! this is all coming to me after a long period of fog and i don't think i have been ignoring posters' advice at all, its just a lot to take in after a year of intense relationship and truly believing in him and the future.

He is now acting like the bad conversation about my 'past' the other night never happened and accusing me of being distant and that he 'doesnt feel good about us' right now. I replied saying i dont feel good either and i am not happy with how much my exes/past seem to bother him. No response, that was hours ago, but i don't feel anxious like i normally would. I think maybe he has realised i am truly onto him and he has no use for me now. Which makes it a little easier to end things because as pp have said, i would not feel ok about him being around my dc, he is just too unpredictable. I was going to break up with him on a call but to be honest now i think i will send an email and then block. I dont want to be drawn into a big discussion. has anyone got any suggestion for neutral wording that would be helpful in this situation?

It is crazy how similar these men are. Right down to things like them usually picking 'higher status' female partners but then judging them left right and centre, either for being too 'materialistic', or having too much experience with men, or too outgoing, all of these things have been leveled at me. I consider myself a normal 36 year old woman and mother. I think he has a madona/whore complex. He also swears he hates porn but some things he has said point to a pron addiction at least in the past and all i can say is that i am a bit nervous as i have stupidly previously sent him nudes at his request (he never sent me any, though.) I am sure he wont do anything silly with these as i think it is illegal now but it is in the back of my mind Ugh.

Yes this feels crap but i really fear getting into a bad situation as pps have described they were in, i cant do that to my dc, or myself. I think i really need to be single to be honest. And it feels ok. Taking dc camping this weekend, which should take my mind off things. I'm looking forward to swimming in the cold sea in Devon and having a laugh.

It's interesting to see you gradually realising what he's really like @cccb

Well done. I think your plan to end it via email, then block, is a very good one.

He's quiet because he's panicking. He didn't expect you to agree that things aren't good. He'll probably wait for a bit to see if you say anything first, then when you don't, he'll come at you. He'll either try to guilt trip you, or he'll go on the attack and accuse you of fuck knows what. Stay strong.

"On reflection, I've decided our relationship isn't working out for me. I wish you the best*. Please don't contact me again."

*This is a lie, but he doesn't need to know that.

I also think "email, then block" is the way to go. Remember: you don't owe him anything. You don't owe him explanations, you don't owe him a hearing, you don't owe him another chance. He has only his own bad (abusive) behaviour to thank for this, and if you show him any chink in the armour he will simply use it to continue his abuse.

Have a fab holiday. I think you'll find it very healing and restful without him.

Op, if your experience of ending the relationship is anything like mine, there will be pretty much zero responsibility or accountability taken on his behalf, even an acknowledgement that their behaviour was batshit, controlling, dysfunctional... nada.

It will turn into a character assassination of you. Any behaviour on their part will have been caused by you.

If he truly realises it's over, point scoring and character assassination will be his go-to.

I guarantee the "this is why you are single, this is why you are a single mother, this is why your relationships have always failed" etc. etc. will feature prominently.

Their bonkers behaviour and their relationships always ending will strangely not feature.

If you don't want to listen to that .... Well, you've already got a plan.

Great. If you start wavering, read this thread again!

If you’re going to break off by email, I would try to be over-generous and make it non-judgmental, e.g. "I think it’s become clear that neither of us would make the other one happy in the long run so it’s best if we break it off now."

I'm not so sure about blocking him immediately as it will make him angry that he can’t reply. You could say something like "I have thought about this a lot and this is my final decision, so there is no point in us meeting or contacting each other again. I won’t be changing my mind" and then if he replies anyway you could block then. At least he might then have got it out of his system.

A brief polite factual email, no detailed explanations that he can get his teeth into and worry at.

Very clear and unambiguous 'after careful consideration I have concluded this relationship does not work for me, so this email ends it' message.

Block everywhere, do not answer calls, texts, emails. Install a ring doorbell in case of visits. Leave calls from unknown numbers to voicemail.

Do not answer comments, questions, requests, goading, criticism - anything he might try to attempt to regain control. I think your agreeing with his comment about your relationship instead of running round in circles trying to please has rattled him.

What's his immigration status - did he have infinite leave to remain, or is it a bit precarious, OP?

I was with someone who did this. I've never met anyone else admitting to this, so thank you @Julyshouldbesunny . I was young and dumb, but it was honestly the worst relationship ever.

Everything everyone is saying about their insecure, jealous, controlling other halves was something he did.

@cccb Do not get into any discussion with him when you break up. He will suck you in and you will go round and round in circles. Avoid this AT ALL COSTS.

Please share any reactions / comments/ incidents from him right here, op.

Don't respond; deflect them here instead.

If you engage, he may lead you to doubt yourself or feel you're in the wrong, which these men are practiced at doing.

We can unpick, analyse and translate them for you.

I agree with this.
OP, he was confident that he had successfully subordinated you such that your response to him expressing doubts about the relationship would make you panic that you are losing him.
I think I would stick to the 'we are not right for each other' line. If you express unhappiness about certain things that will make him think that if he resolves those (or rather can convince you that he will resolve them) then he's in with a chance of reeling you back in.

Yes, I agree that he's being quiet because he thinks that you will fold (you probably have in the past) and apologise/agree he's right etc. He may well come back first if he realiess it's not working but it's not clear to me that he understands yet how serious you are.

If you end it via email, you need to be calm, factual and don't go into detail. As it is, you need to be very prepared for him to come back with 5000 reasons why you are wrong and/or why he will change so telling him why is not helpful. I'd go with something like, "I think it's been clear for a while that perhaps we're not on the same page and I definitely see that now. This relationship isn't working and it's best we go our separate ways. Good luck for the future." You could block on everything then or just be prepared for a day or two of repeating, "I'm not happy, it's not working for me so nothing you say will change that" but I suspect either way, you'll have to block eventually.

Do not apologise, explain, cite specific incidents, details or issues.

He will latch on to them and twist, manipulate, use them to try to influence, coerce, control you.

Ammunition and drama fuel.

Give nothing to work with other than your clear statement of what is going to happen.

Keep control of your own and your family's future.

Agree with you OP. A simple email or text saying you agree that it hasn’t been working so it’s time to call it a day so you can focus on DC and best of luck etc. Don’t answer any calls. If you feel strong you can leave unblocked to read any responses if you think he may get threatening and you need to be warned. But don’t reply to any. If he starts harassing you can warn him that you will call police. Any doubts at all about his response call police and get it logged.

I do worry about what he will do with those photos. There’s another lesson learned. But if he threatens to use them against you or sends them on to people you know, again do not hesitate to call the police.

Good luck 🍀