Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP. Am I being manipulated here or not?

204 replies

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:12

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

OP posts:
Grumblegore · 04/07/2024 01:38

FunIsland · 03/07/2024 07:33

This isn’t manipulation, he’s literally telling you what he wants. I mean, the man’s an A grade arsehole who doesn’t seem to have any redeeming features whatsoever and for some reason you’re accepting that, but he isn’t manipulating you unless there’s a lot more to this than you’ve described.

This is just what I was about to say. It’s awful and disgusting but I wouldn’t call it manipulation.

He couldn’t have been more clear as to how little he respects or values you!

StrawberryWater · 04/07/2024 01:43

Block and move on.

I would rather shit in my own hands and clap than respond to someone like him.

He's a dirty bird, misogynistic (you need to be better at blowjobs? Ha I bet he's shit at oral) and you'll end up with a broken heart and the clap. Get rid.

CheekyHobson · 04/07/2024 01:46

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 20:28

I responded back earlier very short and sweet telling him I hadn't responded to him today for the above reasons etc and he responded back just now with 'well I guess it wasn't meant to be '

Feeling pretty crappy about myself ....
Feeling shitty I clearly wasn't good enough, and feeling shitty that he clearly didn't care enough to drop me over a bloody blowjob !!!
It's embarrassing for me.

OMG! Why are you making this about yourself in any way when it's blatantly obvious that this guy is a weasel and a bellend!

Reading the messages he sent you, I almost threw up in my mouth. I can barely believe someone could be so in love with himself as to put such toe-curlingly arrogant thoughts into writing.

It's not about you at all, and you should absolutely not take his embarrassing obsession with his own penis as a reason to feel shitty about yourself.

I doubt there's anyone in the world who can suck his dick enthusiastically enough to make him commit to them.

Honestly, the fact that his messages didn't make any feelings you might have had for him instantly dry up and blow away suggests you would really benefit from some therapy to address your self-esteem.

I am certainly not God's gift to the world but even if Tom Hardy unaccountably started showing interest in me and then sent me messages like that, I'd be blocking his number and giggling with my friends about what a twat he was.

I am sure you are a wonderful person with many excellent qualities but for some reason you can't see enough value in yourself not to instantly tell this disgusting pig to get a grip and find someone else to fuck around.

Grumblegore · 04/07/2024 01:48

And you shouldn’t be embarrassed Op, because ultimately you chose to walk away and stop him in his tracks when he was gearing up to run all over you.

There may or may not have been red flags, just try and get the measure of the next man before anything progresses.

I often say NO to a man in the very early stages of dating. My thing is you can see a man’s true character often being revealed when you say no to him about something. It can be something small you’re saying no to but IME it’s a good test. I had one guy ,great chat super charming until I said I could only meet him on a weekend day. His attitude changed sharply, he wanted to click his fingers and me come running. The mask fell and he tried to put it back on but he’d already exposed himself to me!

It’s not playing games it’s doing due diligence to check the guy is a safe person!

XChrome · 04/07/2024 01:56

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 19:56

Him today ' Havent heard from you all day ..? Well as I said you haven’t provided me what I need to be exclusive to someone, I thought I'd explained and you understood, but I guess I was wrong'

Block. This.Twunt.

Shan5474 · 04/07/2024 02:01

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 20:28

I responded back earlier very short and sweet telling him I hadn't responded to him today for the above reasons etc and he responded back just now with 'well I guess it wasn't meant to be '

Feeling pretty crappy about myself ....
Feeling shitty I clearly wasn't good enough, and feeling shitty that he clearly didn't care enough to drop me over a bloody blowjob !!!
It's embarrassing for me.

This is about him not you - he is rude, shallow, a general dick and stringing along several women at once. It’s a blessing in disguise because he’ll likely never find what he’s looking for, whereas you will find someone who deserves you and treats you like a queen!

Ahlovetoloveyoubaby · 04/07/2024 02:07

You know, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if some prick said my blow job technique needed work. I do aspire to be fucking wonderful at a lot of things- bj? Nah

It’s done, it’s over. Forget all about him. Get on with what you do and enjoy it!

Teawaster · 04/07/2024 02:10

You need to ask for an opinion?
You need help if you think you need an answer.

oatmilk4breakfast · 04/07/2024 02:20

This goes so deep. Girls are conditioned so early to judge their worth by what a man thinks of them. I understand why you feel judged and not good enough but trust me this is not how men should treat you. It’s hilarious that he wants a best friend with great sex and outrageous that he’s using that against you. He would destroy your self esteem - run for the hills. This is nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with his entitlement.

RawBloomers · 04/07/2024 02:27

DanceForeverUnderTheLights · 03/07/2024 07:17

This man will erode your self-esteem and trample all over your boundaries. Drop him like a rock.

^^This.

RawBloomers · 04/07/2024 02:34

FunIsland · 03/07/2024 07:33

This isn’t manipulation, he’s literally telling you what he wants. I mean, the man’s an A grade arsehole who doesn’t seem to have any redeeming features whatsoever and for some reason you’re accepting that, but he isn’t manipulating you unless there’s a lot more to this than you’ve described.

On the face of it this is true. But it assumes a degree of honesty that is probably lacking. The miscommunication here isn’t just about OP not asking, though I would always encourage people to be clear about things they need. If the fact he’s sleeping with other women comes out as soon as OP has actually slept with him he was almost certainly deliberately concealing the fact before hand. Which is manipulative.

On that basis, I would bet good money that no matter what OP did he would always be finding something lacking that he would be expecting her to “improve”. And that is manipulation, not to mention down right abusive.

oatmilk4breakfast · 04/07/2024 02:57

Btw, I agree with someone upthread that great sex isn’t about technique it’s about connection. If you think he’s just a young porn addled twat you could tell him that before you dump him. Otherwise as many have said he’s probably a begging gaslighting abuser and not worthy of a response from you.

Vladthecat · 04/07/2024 03:24

It seems to be a modern dating thing which I find totally weird … the non exclusivity unless the man asks you to be his girlfriend.

It is a way for men to “try before you buy”

In future don’t be intimate with anyone unless they show some commitment.

In this case, tell him the sex was mediocre because his dick was too small and you were so disappointed.

You’re looking for someone better endowed actually !
And have nothing more to do with him.

grinandslothit · 04/07/2024 05:31

What a horribly abusive vile twat

I hope you have blocked him

VotesAndGoats · 04/07/2024 05:38

Vladthecat · 04/07/2024 03:24

It seems to be a modern dating thing which I find totally weird … the non exclusivity unless the man asks you to be his girlfriend.

It is a way for men to “try before you buy”

In future don’t be intimate with anyone unless they show some commitment.

In this case, tell him the sex was mediocre because his dick was too small and you were so disappointed.

You’re looking for someone better endowed actually !
And have nothing more to do with him.

Edited

Oh women do it too. Not uncommon to be dating multiple people. I personally can't handle it.

hopscotcher · 04/07/2024 05:55

Bloody hell...byeeee!

lifesrichpageant · 04/07/2024 06:02

OP none of this is your fault. What an entitled a-hole. Ugh. My only advice is to think about what your beliefs are about yourself and about love/relationships so that next time you will level up to being with a decent human being and not horrible men like this one.

Gillypie23 · 04/07/2024 06:05

You know what to do. Fuck him off. He's used you.

Inspireme2 · 04/07/2024 06:17

Nope. Dump.
Throw in something that he lacks sexually please!

RedHelenB · 04/07/2024 06:34

Doyoumind · 03/07/2024 07:29

It's not manipulation, it's abuse and exploitation.

It's not ge's being honest. Why OP is even considering his proposal is another matter.

TryingToKeepBreathing · 04/07/2024 07:00

I'd probably go hippy pass agg:

“Yep, not meant to be. Sex isn’t about instructions, it’s about feelings and chemistry. Friendship isn’t about demands, it’s about respect and empathy. I want a genuine relationship with another person, not to be a manufactured fembot where my needs are irrelevant. I truly hope you find what you’re looking for, I think you could be a great friend and lover for someone someday, but you need to open your heart, mind and body to find true connection. Anyway, sending you onwards with hope and love! X”

EmilyGilmoreCardiganEnergy · 04/07/2024 08:11

Agree with everyone that has mentioned Andrew Tate and negging, this is what he preaches to his sad women hating little followers.
OP educate yourself on it and be ready when he gets back in touch trying new tactics.
This man is a danger to you and blocking him is the only solution.
This is absolutely not a you problem.

NigellaAwesome · 04/07/2024 08:25

TryingToKeepBreathing · 04/07/2024 07:00

I'd probably go hippy pass agg:

“Yep, not meant to be. Sex isn’t about instructions, it’s about feelings and chemistry. Friendship isn’t about demands, it’s about respect and empathy. I want a genuine relationship with another person, not to be a manufactured fembot where my needs are irrelevant. I truly hope you find what you’re looking for, I think you could be a great friend and lover for someone someday, but you need to open your heart, mind and body to find true connection. Anyway, sending you onwards with hope and love! X”

Perfect message

Original poster
Anon645 · 04/07/2024 09:50

Obviously I'm not going to.... but there's something wrong with me clearly because I am having to fight the urge to text him.

Im trying to battle the thought in my head that if we were non exclusive for now that he'd eventually pick to be exclusive with me as I would impress him with my company on dates and my sex skills in the interim non exclusive period.
Clearly something not right with me.

OP posts:
seethingmess · 04/07/2024 10:03

This man is not a good person. He was getting a kick out of criticising you and making you feel like you have to do the 'pick me' dance to be 'worthy' of him. He's actually just a piece of dirt who enjoys belittling women. You can do better. Just block him and be free to his petty games.

Swipe left for the next trending thread