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Original poster

HELP. Am I being manipulated here or not?

204 replies

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:12

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 03/07/2024 07:44

DanceForeverUnderTheLights · 03/07/2024 07:17

This man will erode your self-esteem and trample all over your boundaries. Drop him like a rock.

This.
Actually, it's more overt 'use and abuse' rather than manipulation.
Either way, he's an undeserving tw*t.

Sarma · 03/07/2024 07:45

What have I just read??

dotcombubble · 03/07/2024 07:45

Well, fortunately he's told you exactly where you stand, and that's on the substitute bench.

unsync · 03/07/2024 07:45

On the plus side he's told you quite clearly that he does not respect you and only cares about himself. Next steps would be STI test, block and learning about boundaries and healthy relationships (especially if this is a pattern for you).

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2024 07:47

Wow someone has bought a shed load of tickets on themselves. If you had asked he’d probably have lied op, he’s just a garden variety dick. You don’t want him as a friend at all, move on. Tell him you like your relationships exclusive and your friendships without the performance review so he doesn’t qualify for either and move on.

Chocaholicnightmare · 03/07/2024 07:48

Please dump him! He's already shown you his true colours and he will never be faithful. Also, please give him a massive put down before you do, about his sexual performance. How dare he talk to you like you're his sex slave!

BuggeryBumFlaps · 03/07/2024 07:51

I think I'd send him this

'Hi stbx, I've given your proposal some thought and decided to walk away from this relationship, you were lacking in certain areas in the bedroom and I need more. Take care'

LakeTiticaca · 03/07/2024 07:52

Walk away with your head heal Hugh
Find someone who respects you

Itsbaloney · 03/07/2024 07:52

He lied by omission OP. He played you and will continue to do so.
What a disgusting, disgraceful specimen he is. Utterly vile. You are being used, manipulated and this will become abusive.
He already has you blaming yourself for not checking with him before you had sex. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong here, he lied by omitting all his grim expectations’ beforehand.
Tell him the sex was crap and not only that he’s a dickhead and beneath you and then block the disgusting creep.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 03/07/2024 07:57

He's an awful man and a relationship with him will.erode your self esteem because this will just be the first thingm before you know it, he will be telling you that you have to act differently, fress differently etc to "be his girlfriend".

Re the exclusivity thing, that's more nebulous. Lots of.people these days wouldn't consider exclusivity until a proper chat. I think though, the fact you aren't like that is just another sign this is not the man for you.

FunIsland · 03/07/2024 07:58

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:42

Thankyou so much everyone, you've really boosted me up! Been feeling shitty about it and not good enough etc.

Can I ask - is it my fault for being intimate with him without asking were we exclusive beforehand ? I (stupidly) assumed we were exclusive as he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date me, so I assumed that as he was allegedly so into me that he'd only be being intimate with me. He says it's entirely my fault for not checking beforehand. Whereas as I said above given all the things he was saying about us, he gave no impression he wanted anyone but me so why would i have though to ask..?

So is it my fault for not clarifying ?

For me being intimate with more than one person is a big no no for me personally. And now I feel dirty as if I've been tricked into doing it. I feel duped into it. I never would have consented if I knew the truth. I feel angry he didn't tell me beforehand he was being intimate with others to allow me to make a truly informed decision. Instead he hid it from me. But he's saying its all my fault for assuming and not asking beforehand.
Is he right? Am I right ?

I think it was handy for him that you didn’t ask, but that doesn’t make it your fault.

However, the most important thing is that you now know that some people are dickheads and it’s worth checking first. Take this as a learning opportunity rather than a reflection on you and look forwards rather than backwards.

Enjoy your next relationship, and in time, be grateful to cunty bollocks for teaching you what to avoid in a ‘man’.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2024 07:59

Yes you’re being manipulated and used.
Don’t ignore the massive alarm bells- you know this is all kinds of fucked up.

He lied by omission.

You haven’t got “close” with this man if he failed to mention that he was hooking up with other women in his life.

Now he might consider dating you if you suck his cock enough?

Steer clear- he’s full of shit and an abusive Egotistical prick.

SamW98 · 03/07/2024 08:00

OP - stop giving so much headspace to what you did right or wrong and just realise this bloke is a complete grade A cunt.

None of this is your fault. Hes a total wanker who thinks he’s Gods gift to women.

Get an STI check and block the fucker

Beamur · 03/07/2024 08:00

Yuk.
Toss this one back.

Original poster
Anon645 · 03/07/2024 08:00

Itsbaloney · 03/07/2024 07:52

He lied by omission OP. He played you and will continue to do so.
What a disgusting, disgraceful specimen he is. Utterly vile. You are being used, manipulated and this will become abusive.
He already has you blaming yourself for not checking with him before you had sex. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong here, he lied by omitting all his grim expectations’ beforehand.
Tell him the sex was crap and not only that he’s a dickhead and beneath you and then block the disgusting creep.

'Lied by omission ' is spot on to describe how I feel about it. Yes, I should have asked if he was sleeping with anyone else but equally he didn't volunteer that information and he KNOWS full well my values of not sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others. He knows full well how strongly I feel about it, and he still chose not to tell me beforehand and hide it from me. That's why I feel tricked.

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 03/07/2024 08:01

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:42

Thankyou so much everyone, you've really boosted me up! Been feeling shitty about it and not good enough etc.

Can I ask - is it my fault for being intimate with him without asking were we exclusive beforehand ? I (stupidly) assumed we were exclusive as he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date me, so I assumed that as he was allegedly so into me that he'd only be being intimate with me. He says it's entirely my fault for not checking beforehand. Whereas as I said above given all the things he was saying about us, he gave no impression he wanted anyone but me so why would i have though to ask..?

So is it my fault for not clarifying ?

For me being intimate with more than one person is a big no no for me personally. And now I feel dirty as if I've been tricked into doing it. I feel duped into it. I never would have consented if I knew the truth. I feel angry he didn't tell me beforehand he was being intimate with others to allow me to make a truly informed decision. Instead he hid it from me. But he's saying its all my fault for assuming and not asking beforehand.
Is he right? Am I right ?

There is no fault just different expectations and a lack of communication. You are perfectly entitled to feel uncomfortable about not realising you weren’t exclusive and you never had the conversation so he didn’t directly lie to you. Ultimately he sounds awful so I’d try not to focus on it too much and just forget about him.

Take this experience and learn from it - next time you want to be intimate with a man ensure you’ve had a conversation about exclusivity beforehand so there’s no room for misunderstanding.

OnHisSweaterAlreadyMomsSpaghetti · 03/07/2024 08:02

“He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive”

please tell me this is a wind up. If not then put him in the bin immediately

Original poster
Anon645 · 03/07/2024 08:02

Not to mention how much he repetively told me he likes me /wanted to date me . Which heavily implied to me I was the only one involved with him from all the sweet things he was saying about us.

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 03/07/2024 08:06

What everyone else said re him.

Yes he tricked you. Yes, ideally ask re exclusivity if you haven't known someone for long but it was still on him to tell you.

And in reply to his bj instructions: "LOL. Bye".

STI test and just be thankful he showed his hand at the beginning. You can now exit gracefully and block.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2024 08:07

Yes I should have asked

I disagree. If you’ve spent several weeks getting to know each other then he has deliberately lied about what he’s up to, the other people in his life and who else he’s dating.

Is he much older than you? It sounds like you’re being groomed here.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/07/2024 08:11

He’s a prick. Tell him to fuck of with his offer for you to do a better blow job. Maybe he needs advice on how to improve; maybe it would be better if his cock was bigger? Wanker.
dump his abusive arse. You’re worth more.

Edingril · 03/07/2024 08:12

If you can't see then then for your sake stop dating

SoComplicated · 03/07/2024 08:16

What?! laugh in his face and tell him where to go.

BobbyBiscuits · 03/07/2024 08:18

If you improve your blow jobs on him he'll consider refraining for sticking his knob in multiple randoms?!
I'd cut his dick off. Lol.

downday24 · 03/07/2024 08:21

If this is genuine DITCH HIM how dare he tell you to improve - idiot