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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP. Am I being manipulated here or not?

204 replies

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:12

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

OP posts:
FOJN · 03/07/2024 08:22

OP exploitative men can spot their "victims" a mile off. The fact you are here questioning whether your boundaries are acceptable suggests to me that you lack confidence and he targeted you. If you do not live your life trying to exploit other people then you are not primed to be on the look out for it in other people which, when combined with a lack of confidence, makes you vulnerable to these types of people. A relationship, of any description, with this man will not build your confidence, quite the opposite in fact.

You are not responsible for his behaviour but you are responsible for protecting yourself from this awful man now you know how dishonest and misogynistic he is. I agree with you that not telling you about other partners before you were intimate is dishonest.

Cut him off, no discussion, no explanation, just get him out of your life. He does not care how you feel and he will never apologise for misleading you so don't waste your breath trying to get him to see your point of view. He will only try to manipulate you more if you have any further contact with him.

Ghost him and take comfort in knowing that even though you won't see it it will puncture his ego a little. A man who thinks he can tell a woman he will continue sleeping with other people until she improves her blow job technique is so full of himself he won't understand the rejection.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2024 08:29

Love bombing you with compliments and declarations that you’re “”the one” to get in your knickers = manipulation.

Telling you hurtful things about other women he’s sleeping with and belittling your sexual performance afterwards= abusive

Telling you it’s your fault for not asking if he’s sleeping around= gas lighting

Refusing to date you unless you suck his cock more= coercion

Red flag central 🚩🚩🚩🚩

gardenmusic · 03/07/2024 08:58

Just when you think you have heard it all, seen the dregs, up pops another one.

Step away from the pile of crap. Do not get it on you. How could you even think about wallowing in it?

Lighteningstrikes · 03/07/2024 08:59

Block the bastard immediately.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 03/07/2024 09:12

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me

Not going to lie, OP, I’m REALLY concerned that you need advice as to whether this fucknut is right…

notatinydancer · 03/07/2024 09:33

Cheeky bastard. Tell him to fuck off.

Greydays10 · 03/07/2024 09:38

He is a disgusting pig.
He manipulated you and lied by ommission.
He sounds repulsive and will destroy your self esteem.
I would block him.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 03/07/2024 09:48

MagpiePi · 03/07/2024 07:21

After I'd stopped laughing in his face, I'd probably give him a list of how he could improve in bed and then drop him like a hot rock.

Edited

This!!
This guy is flying more red flags than a communist committee meeting.

Seriously - run and run more. You deserve so much better - as do all the other women he's apparently shagging.

notanothernana · 03/07/2024 09:53

Sounds like an Andrew Tate fan.

smellsfishy · 03/07/2024 09:54

Gross. Tell him to fuck off!

BowlOfNoodles · 03/07/2024 09:57

My real question is was he a sex God? Lol

Lavenderblossoms · 03/07/2024 10:01

His attitude is absolutely disgusting and vile. I wouldn't dream of being someone who had to improve to become exclusive.

Honestly the way you've described him makes my skin crawl.

Please bin him. You are worth far more come on you don't need us to tell you. You should be horrified at what he said.

dontcryformeargentina · 03/07/2024 10:16

WTF... OP you deserve better. He is self serving entitled prick. RUN

Catsfishybreath · 03/07/2024 10:26

What the hell have I just read . His vile with a capital V . Come on OP you can do so much better.

Catsfishybreath · 03/07/2024 10:28

Tell him you have found someone else with a bigger cock that satisfies you more

Original poster
Anon645 · 03/07/2024 10:43

Wow, I honestly can't thank you all enough. I've been feeling so shitty and low about it. Thankyou so much for the confidence boost and helping me see xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 03/07/2024 10:46

I can't see me having sex anytime soon now though. I feel bloody embarrassed !

I don't want to sound vulgar and apologies in advance for the tmi but none of my past boyfriends have EVER complained about my blowjob skills. They've always enjoyed it and complimented my blowjobs.

But of course this one man now criticising my blowjobs will be the one that sticks out for me and makes me feel my skills are shit 🙄🙄

OP posts:
Chocaholicnightmare · 03/07/2024 11:11

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 10:46

I can't see me having sex anytime soon now though. I feel bloody embarrassed !

I don't want to sound vulgar and apologies in advance for the tmi but none of my past boyfriends have EVER complained about my blowjob skills. They've always enjoyed it and complimented my blowjobs.

But of course this one man now criticising my blowjobs will be the one that sticks out for me and makes me feel my skills are shit 🙄🙄

It wasn't about the blow jobs...it was about him having his cake (seeing other women)

Limer · 03/07/2024 11:20

He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive

When I read that I was hoping the next line was "so of course I laughed in his face and told him to jog on."

Thankfully OP you seem to have arrived at this conclusion now, after the collective wisdom of MN!

ElleLeopine · 03/07/2024 11:25

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 10:46

I can't see me having sex anytime soon now though. I feel bloody embarrassed !

I don't want to sound vulgar and apologies in advance for the tmi but none of my past boyfriends have EVER complained about my blowjob skills. They've always enjoyed it and complimented my blowjobs.

But of course this one man now criticising my blowjobs will be the one that sticks out for me and makes me feel my skills are shit 🙄🙄

OP, your value as a person is in no way dependent on the quality of your blow jobs! You are worth so much more than that!

icelolly12 · 03/07/2024 11:30

He's seeking the live equivalent of a blow up doll. Op he is vile and dangerous for your mental health. Block immediately.

icelolly12 · 03/07/2024 11:35

Ignore the blowjob thing. if they were bad he wouldn't be wanting more. He had to think of something on the spot to justify the reason he wants to continue to sleep with more woman (and get more blowjobs from you while he gives instructions🙄). Don't fall for it, I bet he's laughing at his genius solution to get more sex

ByCupidStunt · 03/07/2024 11:35

Just throw him back.

There's plenty a mumsnetter that'll be grateful to have him.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2024 11:37

Hmm just be aware that some men will deliberately put you down to erode your confidence. This is done to keep you in your place, and push your boundaries with out much resistance; to make you feel grateful for any crumbs he offers you.

Its nothing to do with your “skills” in the bedroom. You know what? Fuck him and his opinion.

A decent man who cares about you will be concentrating on giving you pleasure.
All Mr. Blow jobs cares about is his own cock.

You’ve seen his true colours, now don’t fall for any crawling apologies and platitudes from him when you dump him.

Im sure he’d gladly keep you on the back burner for casual sex.
Thats not what you want so don’t dance to his tune x

iwonderland · 03/07/2024 11:40

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:12

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

Lmao ''get better at blowjobs'', ''the sex was good but not mind blowing'' who the hell does this man think he is? Fucking Brad Pitt? Chris Hemsworth....🤣🤣🤣🤣 hun get rid what a complete and utter C*

Wow I actually cannot believe what I have just read.... men actually say this sort of shit.