HELP. Am I being manipulated here or not?

[Anon645]

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

Good lord!!! Raise your bar OP and tell him to fuck off! What an absolute knob!

Feeling insecure about your “skills” in bed will ruin sex for you. If you’re trying too hard to perform and please the man then you won’t be able to relax and orgasm.

Mind blowing sex goes far deeper than having an amazing technique, or giving perfect blowjobs. For me, it’s about a connection with the person, having fun and letting go of your inhibitions, and feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable and be yourself.

This man will destroy your self esteem. He’s metaphorically slapped you in the face with his comments.

Dodge this bullet and you’ll find someone who will treat you well and actually care about you- someone who’ll think you’re his world even when you’re tired, grieving, giving birth or puking up in the toilet and haven’t had sex for three weeks x

It wasn’t about your skills AT ALL. You could have been the best at it in the world. It was about control and him negging you.

Omg, what a dickhead. Well at least you've found out early....now run for the hills before he drags you down any further.
There's nothing wrong with you or what you're doing but there's everything wrong with him!!

Tell him you'll consider seeing him again if he can learn to improve his kissing technique. What a loser.

His message last night....
'We can date, but with no exclusivity for now.
For exclusivity I need a best friend with great sex, you are not giving me either one of these at this point in time'

Him today ' Havent heard from you all day ..? Well as I said you haven’t provided me what I need to be exclusive to someone, I thought I'd explained and you understood, but I guess I was wrong'

Ugh he’s vile and why on earth would you want to have sex with him anyway?

Just block him and move on, he’s not even worth the bother of replying to.

One second after receiving that I would have blocked and deleted.

If you still haven’t please book a counselling session tomorrow and talk this through with a professional. I can’t imagine anyone wanting any kind of relationship with the person who sent that.

I’d be creeped out for months.

This man is really horrible and also quite delusional. He is putting you down deliberately (you are not good enough to be exclusive) so that you lose confidence in yourself and accept not being treated well. Its called negging I think. Just get rid of him as fast as you can, he will make you very unhappy.

He's baiting you with his message and the best thing you can do is block him as it's clear you've already pissed him off by ignoring him.

The blow job comment was designed to get as many as possible from you. If he tells you you're doing a bad job it encourages you to try harder, but you could never be successful as it wouldn't suit his agenda.

He's not after a friend. He's positioning a friend as someone who will go along with what he wants without complaining. You would also never succeed there.

'I guess I was wrong'- he's vile! So many replies running through my head on your behalf...

I responded back earlier very short and sweet telling him I hadn't responded to him today for the above reasons etc and he responded back just now with 'well I guess it wasn't meant to be '

Feeling pretty crappy about myself ....
Feeling shitty I clearly wasn't good enough, and feeling shitty that he clearly didn't care enough to drop me over a bloody blowjob !!!
It's embarrassing for me.

It is not embarrassing for you. He is a charming liar and total bellend and you are a nice normal person.

he has behaved atrociously, rude and unpleasant.

how were his skills ? Did you come 5 times?

You should be feeling really good about yourself. You've dropped the loser.

You've done nothing wrong. This hasn't happened because of anything you did / didn't do well enough. He is an abuser. Whoever he 'dates' he will find ways to abuse. At this early stage, he's testing how much you'll put up with. If you stuck around, he would go through a cycle of abuse, occasionally being lovely but sometimes being vile, and you would slowly but surely lose who you are.

He's shown very early that he isn't capable of having a healthy relationship. He values 'mind blowing sex' over having an equal partnership with someone he respects.

He doesn't understand that great sex often follows naturally from having a trusting, respectful, healthy relationship. The sex is rarely best at the start of a relationship.

I suspect your BJ was absolutely fine. But he needed to find a fault, to rest you,a nd to start you off jumping through hoops to please him.

I suspect that he isn't sleeping with other women, but he needed to have you on edge and feeling like you were in competition.

he needed you to feel grateful he'd have you. He wanted you to feel you had to please him, to fight to keep him.

And all of this is because he's defective.

You've had a close call. This is all on him. Nothing wrong with you (or your BJs!)/

Please please please block him and move on. And don't be drawn back into him. You've seen the real him. And this is in the early stages when he's meant to be impressing you. This is him at his best!!!!!!!

Please don't waste any more time over him. He is in the wrong. He has been playing you. Please put him in his place- it will make you feel better and might make him think twice about manipulating someone in the future. Stand up for yourself! 'I think I'm probably too good for you- I'm looking for a genuine connection with sex that means something..etc .. and please tell him that he's crap in bed too. I promise you will feel better if you stand up to him.

You say you weren't good enough- but actually you weren't mug enough and you've got out of it. Give yourself a pat on the back xxx

PS Did he pleasure you in bed or was he completely selfish? If not, I'd mention that.

Eewwww the arrogance on him!!

Yuk yuk yuk!

Think about it logically.

If your BJ wasn't 'mind blowing' would a decent, mature man think:
a) that was great, we have a real connection, I hope she enjoyed it, looking forward to getting to know her better, or
b) BJ wasn't mind blowing and it should have been / should be every time, so I'll tell her. It'll probably upset her but I don't care. My needs are the most important. She isn't worth sticking with if they aren't mind blowing every time, including the first time when we don't even know each other and are nervous.

You're focussing on the BJ feedback, when any logical arguement leads back to it being nothing to do with that, and everything to do with him being immature and having a teenage boy's (or porn addicts) approach to sex at best, abusive at (likely) worst. Possibly both.

He should be embaressed - what a twat! He sounds like an Andrew Tate type. Bleugh. How dare he speak down to you that way? If he is this demanding now, then imagine what he would be like after a few years as things settle down and you relax in the relationship - well, his demands would mean you never could relax.

He’s negging you, lowering your self esteem to make you feel insecure and willing.

Listen, this guy is a complete jerk. He won't meet anybody with whom to create anything meaningful with as he is just chasing perfect sex. None of this is reflection of you and you not being good enough. It's about him being a twat and TG you found out now so you don't waste more time with him.

Get rid. He can use his hand

He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive .

Revolting man. Dump and run.

It's not 'dodgy' it is absolutely vile and Im amazed you have to ask!