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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP. Am I being manipulated here or not?

204 replies

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:12

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

OP posts:
iwonderland · 03/07/2024 11:42

Rockschooldropout · 03/07/2024 07:33

I can’t believe you have to ask tbh ..
Do you really think that little of yourself ?
Id have replied that it was difficult to give a blowjob to a man with such a tiny dick , then told him to jeff off …

Yesss!!! 👌🏻🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2024 11:42

He's lucky to even have a blow job op, never mind critiquing it

I hope you've taken enough from this to block him

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 03/07/2024 11:46

what a pig! he is actually giving your BJ an assessment ? WTF

iwonderland · 03/07/2024 11:48

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 07:42

Thankyou so much everyone, you've really boosted me up! Been feeling shitty about it and not good enough etc.

Can I ask - is it my fault for being intimate with him without asking were we exclusive beforehand ? I (stupidly) assumed we were exclusive as he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date me, so I assumed that as he was allegedly so into me that he'd only be being intimate with me. He says it's entirely my fault for not checking beforehand. Whereas as I said above given all the things he was saying about us, he gave no impression he wanted anyone but me so why would i have though to ask..?

So is it my fault for not clarifying ?

For me being intimate with more than one person is a big no no for me personally. And now I feel dirty as if I've been tricked into doing it. I feel duped into it. I never would have consented if I knew the truth. I feel angry he didn't tell me beforehand he was being intimate with others to allow me to make a truly informed decision. Instead he hid it from me. But he's saying its all my fault for assuming and not asking beforehand.
Is he right? Am I right ?

No this is not your fault it at all, in all honestly if I was sleeping with someone and spending time with them like you have I would of thought the same to be honest but he clearly thinks he is gods gift to women and wants to sleep about and find someone who will give him mind blowing sex as he feels he's entitled too tutor women on what a good blowjob is? Maybe he needs to start sucking dick to be able to know and learn or maybe the melt has already which is why he is soo judgemental on this! Blokes is a class A prick! He is just wanting to sleep around and I feel sorry for the women he eventually ''commits'' too because he sounds like an abusive bellend! Also get checked for an STD/STI he sounds like a scumbag!

Opentooffers · 03/07/2024 11:50

He is showing you that he is abusive from the start. He probably has been working out how to manipulate you for a while, saying the things he knows you want to hear. Now you know the real him, don't be embarrassed, he misrepresented himself to you - lied basically. You can't account for people who lie, unfortunately, in life they crop up now and again. All you can do is dump as soon as you know and find better. You had fun in the moment, he can't take that away, and while casual sex is not your way, neither is it inherently wrong, so it's not embarrassing.
If the world knew how he'd played this, he should be the embarrassed one, while youd get nothingbut empathy.
This man clearly has issues, values women as a class beneath him who are there to service his needs. It will be why he is single, he has a poor attitude that any woman should avoid once realised.
Silence speaks volumes, just block and move on. What he said about BJ's is clearly BS and you should pay no heed to it.

iwonderland · 03/07/2024 11:50

Anon645 · 03/07/2024 08:02

Not to mention how much he repetively told me he likes me /wanted to date me . Which heavily implied to me I was the only one involved with him from all the sweet things he was saying about us.

That's also how an abuser reels you in. He's a disgusting waste of oxygen 🤢

CitizenZ · 03/07/2024 11:54

I'm not sure I could be the bigger person here... I would critique the fuck out of his performance right back at him. Then ghost him.

iwonderland · 03/07/2024 12:00

CitizenZ · 03/07/2024 11:54

I'm not sure I could be the bigger person here... I would critique the fuck out of his performance right back at him. Then ghost him.

Literally I would be the same! I couldn't bite my tongue on this one the entitled prick!

SoozyWoozy5 · 03/07/2024 12:02

Dump and move on, you are worth more than this piece of shit..

PaintMeARiver · 03/07/2024 12:14

Is he actually sleeping with other women? It might just be a threat to keep you on your toes/make sure you brush up your man pleasing skills.

Gonetoofarthistime · 03/07/2024 12:28

He's an absolute tosser @Anon645 so please just block him and move on, a lovely girl like you deserves so much more.

Please get STI tests done ASAP.
Good luck OP x

ComoSeDicePepino · 03/07/2024 12:33

Don't ask if you can be exclusive. Dump him for misleading you. Cheek of him.

Loloj · 03/07/2024 12:36

What an absolute disgrace this man is. Tell him to fuck right off. Tell him his oral skills weren’t good enough and that he needs more practice but that he won’t be getting any with you. What an absolute cock end. Get rid of him - who does he think he is?!

Soozikinzii · 03/07/2024 12:43

That sounds awful to me .

ClickClickety · 03/07/2024 12:57

PaintMeARiver · 03/07/2024 12:14

Is he actually sleeping with other women? It might just be a threat to keep you on your toes/make sure you brush up your man pleasing skills.

This is a good point. I don't think she'll get the truth out of him ever about anything.

Ali1262 · 03/07/2024 13:01

BuggeryBumFlaps · 03/07/2024 07:51

I think I'd send him this

'Hi stbx, I've given your proposal some thought and decided to walk away from this relationship, you were lacking in certain areas in the bedroom and I need more. Take care'

I agree and would also add to it that I don't have the time or energy to teach him how to be a good lover as it would take to long and would rather be with someone who knows what they are doing and didn't need a signposted route to the right spot. He sounds like a right tool and I've met my fair share but he is definitely up there

Catoo · 03/07/2024 13:03

God is this real OP?

Please do get STI tests for peace of mind. Lesson also learned to always ask about exclusivity. It wasn’t up to him to remember whether this is important to you or not.

As for the rest, leave him alone now to search for perfect BJ. It’s not something you should consider helping him with. Block him so he can’t send you a load of BS to get you to sleep with him again. And he will want to.

Next time you have a loving exclusive and decent partner, ask him for feedback if you really must feel that your BJs are amazing. FFS. Please want more for yourself.

💐

savethatkitty · 03/07/2024 13:20

Jesus wept.

'Give me a better blow job then I'll consider shagging you exclusively'.

There really is no hope left for humanity.

OP you didn't do anything wrong (by not asking) & neither did he per se. But, I hope you've now realised what an utter ball bag this wanker is. Tell him to jog on.

Ahlovetoloveyoubaby · 03/07/2024 13:22

3 words- fuck off cunty!

It’s him not you. Some men are so deluded by their own obsession with their cock, they imagine there is a queue waiting to pay homage to it!

He certainly not typical of most men who are delighted with any sort bj action.

Bookworm20 · 03/07/2024 13:23

icelolly12 · 03/07/2024 11:35

Ignore the blowjob thing. if they were bad he wouldn't be wanting more. He had to think of something on the spot to justify the reason he wants to continue to sleep with more woman (and get more blowjobs from you while he gives instructions🙄). Don't fall for it, I bet he's laughing at his genius solution to get more sex

This. There is nothing wrong with your blow jobs! Any previous boyfriend would have mentioned something, or suggested something, so don't believe this wanker for a single second.

He said it so you'd give him more blow jobs - under the guise of practice makes perfect.

He likely isn't actually seeing anyone else to be honest, because lets face it, theres few women who wouldn't bin him off after coming out with tripe like that.

And no you were not wrong to assume exclusivity. He said everything he needed to say to get you into bed. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He tricked you in my view. And I imagine thats what hurting you the most, you feel used by him.
What a shit excuse for a human being he is.
Just be grateful you are a lovely person and not like him OP. I mean imagine going through life being a piece of scum.
Don't allow him any more headspace.
I wouldn't even bother to tell him you're out and not taking part in his little 'deal'. If you want to mess with his head, just block the sad little man.

LifeExperience · 03/07/2024 13:50

He wants to have sex with you without commitment while he has sex with others at the same time, endangering your health. Disgusting! Move on, OP. He's a selfish user.

RedWinePoliticsAndHair · 03/07/2024 14:13

Punch him in the cock.

Sorry, I know that's immature and facile but he absolutely deserves it.

ComoSeDicePepino · 03/07/2024 17:35

Yeh fancies himself as a player but has to lie by omission to be a player. Very shabby behaviour.

leeverarch · 03/07/2024 17:43

Tell him that you also thought the sex was unsatisfactory, and you've decided you don't want to see him any more.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2024 18:09

My past boyfriends have always complimented me on my blowjobs

Said so seriously and proudly 😂🤣

I’ve never been complimented on a blow job in my life. I’m happy with some appreciative noises from a partner on the odd occasion I do it 😬

I can’t imagine evaluating / critiquing the whole thing afterwards and giving “feedback”.

Agree with everything else though- give this selfish arsehole a wide berth. He has all the hallmarks of an abuser- negging,, gas lighting, manipulating and making emotionally abusive comments about you as a person. ⚠️