HELP. Am I being manipulated here or not?

[Anon645]

Hi,
Looking for some advice here as to whether or not this sounds dodgy or not to others.

A man from my past and I have recently got close again. Two weeks ago he expressed in his own words that 'we work well together' and that 'he knows he likes me because I'm pretty, kind , he is comfortable with me and we go well together. ' These were HIS words. And he expressed he was very open to dating me.

On the weekend we watched a film at his house and were intimate. He has since informed me that he is sleeping with other people ... I am disgusted at this as I only ever am intimate with one person at a time and I NEVER would have agreed to intimacy if I'd known he was being intimate with others. I feel conned. He said it was my fault for not asking beforehand as he'd never promised exclusivity.

Anyway despite feeling annoyed/disgusted I thought maybe he did have a point that I hadn't checked we were exclusive before intimacy (even though he was telling me how much he liked me and wanted to date which implied he was only interested in me )

I have asked him if we can be exclusive now. He has no as in his words 'he needs a best friend who can give him mind blowing sex '. He said the sex was very good but not mind blowing. He said that if I listen to him during sex and improve my blowjobs on him (sorry tmi] then he'll consider being exclusive . He said he wants to contine dating me. But in the meantime he will only date me non exclusively until this is achieved as brilliant sex is so important to him to just settle.

Is he in the right here? Or am I being manipulated ? What would you all do? Please advise me.

How do horrible men like this even exist? My god. Well done for getting rid of him, you did nothing wrong and he's a raging psychopath. Just feel lucky you didn't get dragged in further with feelings etc.

YOU HAVENT BEEN DUMPED OVER A BLOW JOB.

He wants casual sex with no strings and you want a relationship.

He pretended he wanted more- he sweet talked you into bed by making you think he wanted a relationship- he doesn’t. He’s an entitled prick with an inflated ego 🤮

He should be embarrassed of himself.
Bleating on about wanting a best friend he can shag? Is he 17 ?

he’s acting like a dick obsessed teenager who has no idea what it means to be in a relationship and no respect for women.

Oh my god, why are you even giving this muppet a second thought? What an absolute tool and a lucky escape for you. Just block him

I would go to the highest height that you possibly can and dump him.

To an extent some people do approach dating without being exclusive yes, until you have a conversation about where it's going you have to assume that you're not exclusive. But the way he's handled this is all off for me. I think he's a player and
not ready to settle down. He's also shown manipulative uncaring and controlling traits. You're not an object, you are a human. I actually don't know what to say about him telling you to improve sexually. I'm shocked.

Some people will feed you whatever they think the minimum is they can get away with and you have to assert your standards.

Its like that awful pub joke when the lads ask:
“mate how has a bloke like you landed yourself such a lovely girlfriend?” And he laughs and replies
”she’s got low self esteem “

You are taking this 'personally' - it's actually only a reflection of him and his awful personality.

I think you need some therapy OP if you are actually bothered what this total dick head says to you.

This.

I think when this kind of thing happens to you the first time it's fucking confusing.

Op I'd block him, give yourself a statute of limitations of one week to be annoyed/confused. Meanwhile plan some lovely treats for yourself. You will feel better and back to normal in no time. He's just a waste of your time.

Honestly @Anon645 , I am totally stunned at the audacity of this man! Speechless. Who does he think he is?!! I feel angry on your behalf. I'm very glad you got rid of him.

I completely understand how you feel OP. Dating is such a minefield now. In the 'olden days' someone asked you out for a date and then you either got asked on another date or you didn't but in the meantime they would only be dating you.
Now it seems these rules no longer apply and you are not anything until someone says it out loud and the other agrees.

However my last relationship the guy said out loud things like 'my new girlfriend ' ie me and told me he had deleted his dating profile etc. Didn't stop him sleeping with his ex (found out from his neighbour). So take comfort from the fact that even if they have verbalised that you are 'their girlfriend' you can still find out you are sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else. This was after giving the guy 'a 2nd chance' because the first time we went out and were on about date 5 and doing foreplay stuff but not gone all the way, I found out he was still meeting other women on dates. I had assumed since things had gotten sexual and date 5 that the others would have been tapered off but it seems not.

So totally understand how you feel.

For me I don't want to date more than one person at once but by not doing so it seems to put me at a huge disadvantage.

I don't know what the answer is but just know that you are not alone with these types of issues and yes I felt betrayed, hurt, angry, stupid, humiliated etc .

I think men who are going to cheat or sleep with two women at once will do so no matter what you asked/clarified or what they said to reassure you.
Take comfort in that

If he ever messages you again just tell him to stop contacting you because he's giving you the ick.

You've been negged. It's all designed to fuck with your head. Block and feel good about it. He's plain old mean.

It is absolutely not embarrassing for you to walk away from this awful man who was treating you so badly.

You should hold your head up high and be proud because you’re better then him, and you’ve seen through him.

Just block him now because if you don’t I 100% guarantee he’ll come crawling back in a few weeks.

He's going to pop up in a few weeks, when he feels that you'll be willing to bend to his needs without complaint.

Please ignore. I would not respond, just leave his texts without a reply. He's a vile, manipulative misogynistic user.

I am sorry that he misled you into being intimate with him.

He enjoyed humiliating you by tricking you into intimacy by flattery and omission, criticising your blowjob skills and gaslighting you into saying you should have asked.

He hates women and enjoyed this little power trip at your expense.

To the pp who said he sounds like an Andrew Tate fan, I think that is spot on.

Sorry haven't read whole thread but have read OP posts.

I think there may may well be no-one else competing for his blowjob scores.

Telling you it's a competition to make you try harder.

He's not worth stubbing your toe on OP.

Don't be embarrassed; you're trusting and sweet, he's a cunt.

I'm just thinking about a world where women say things like

If you improve your tongue action, I'll consider being exclusive

Please stop responding to this revolting man.

I can almost guarantee there are no other women. If he’s dating all these other women he wouldn’t bother asking why you didn’t message him. Men love all BJs. There was nothing wrong with your BJ. Please stop obsessing over it. He is lying. To try and make you give him more.

Agree with PP he’s been watching some Tate style guru telling men how to reel women in then treat them mean to keep them keen. Probably following an FAQ ‘what if they ask to be exclusive?’ ‘Tell them they would need to give you hot sex and BJs every time or it’s no deal’. And it’s almost worked. You’re second guessing yourself. Saying you weren’t good enough.

He’ll be annoyed now that his childish and misogynistic plan has backfired. He could be dating you and having good sex that got better and better. But he’s blown it. And he’ll have to try to reel someone else in which is always harder. And in the meantime no BJs for him.

Also, YOU dropped him because he wouldn’t be exclusive. He did not drop you, he wanted to carry on - with you desperately trying to please him. He texted you today to see why you ignored him. He’s only saying it ‘wouldn’t work anyway’ to save face.

I give him two weeks maximum before he contacts you again saying he’s willing to try exclusive to see how it goes as he feels you have potential for great sex after all. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be taken in.

Please now block him to avoid being drawn in. This man does not see you as a person with feelings. He has nothing you need. He’s repulsive.

I would also maybe book a couple of counselling sessions as I can’t understand how you can still be thinking this is about BJ skills. You were right to put more value on yourself and ask for exclusive. Well done OP as that exposed him for who he is. Keep your head in that space. Not in the ‘but my BJ skills’ space.

Fabulous advice by @Catoo!

Stop feeling bad because he told you the blow job wasn’t mind blowing—he lied bevause he didn’t want you to have any piwer in the relationship.

Not only that: he didn’t drop you. He didn’t drop you AT ALL. He did his damndest to keep having sex with you with no commitment. But he didn’t find you wanting.

His criticism of you was simply a tactic, known as negging, that is meant to make you anxious and eager to do whatever he wants you to do.

Him”that bj was only ok”
you “oh please let me prove you wrong! I’ll practice as often as you like.”

See how that works?

So hold your head up! He offered you a cut rate relationship if you abased yourself and you let him know you couldn’t be bothered. Good for you.

If you have to see him again just smile widely and snap your teeth at him.

Why on earth would you (a) respond to the misogynistic prick and (b) still be obsessing about you BJ skills?

Hes a vile manipulative cunt. Why are you playing along with his disgusting games? Please get some self respect and block this piece of shit. He’s shown you who he is - believe him

So is it my fault for not clarifying ?

It's reasonable to presume exclusivity when you have reached the shagging stage. Dickwads like this tosser would probably lie anyway.

STI test, pregnancy test, and DTMFA.

😂

You are 100% being manipulated. He is not going to be exclusive. If you ever manage to give him the "mindblowing" experience he wants, he will move the goalposts so that you need to do even more. He's entitled AF and a user. Dump this creep.

Right. Abusive, misogynistic POS.