Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Why would he lose his job? He isn’t OPs manager.

OP I suspect your thread has touched a very raw nerve for some posters who are reacting as though you have stolen and eaten their first born.

I have worked with people in similar situations, including one colleague who was bigamously married to a co worker.

You didn’t have a clue he was married and had a contraceptive failure. None of this matters tbh, it’s nothing you can change so focus on the future.

I agree with staying quiet and taking it one step at a time. I absolutely wouldn’t lie to anyone about who my baby’s father is though. If anyone asked, I’d just say “oh it’s Jason in Marketing, he never told me he was married.”

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck.

Just focus on yourself, my dear. Sometimes something good comes out of a bad situation and it sounds like it may be your baby.

You do you. Just think only of yourself and your baby. You will not be flipping anyone's world upside down.

I hope you’re going to take yourself off and get tested, because you might find you’ve got yourself something other than a pregnancy

It’s not going to be easy are you going to cope financially? When all you are getting from him is a couple of hundred a month if that, plus a couple of kids who chances are , are going to hate you and especially hate the baby , how old are his other children ?

FFS. I've worked with people who I didn't know were married until I'd been in the job for months. If he doesn't wear a wedding ring and has no photos on his desk, how would she know?

Call me old fashioned, but whilst I may not know if "generic work colleague" is married, this would be on the basis I barely know anything about them.

I'd be a little bit more involved with knowing the background of someone I was shagging and supposedly in a relationship with.

Others at work knew. The wife was talked about openly so that other colleagues knew it was her birthday coming up. Yet OP had absolutely no idea. And an accidental pregnancy. And a contraception failure. That's quite a lot of things that generally don't happen, but here's OP with all three!

So you both would get rid of this “poor child” who is wanted by their mum to prevent them from possible rejection from a worthless man and a family you don’t even know? Okay…

OP, I have raised my child on my own, a child I procreated with my then definitely reasonable husband after many years of marriage and fertility treatments aplenty. He walked away from DS, doesn’t see his child and has been very difficult to pin down for child maintenance even when he earns well into the six figures. The bottom line is that you cannot take anything for granted in life, my child was born into perfect conditions and a few years down the line we were surviving on tax credits and free school lunches (we are no longer in that position, far from it, those were the difficult years). Anybody can end up raising a child alone due to divorce, adoption, death of a partner or personal decision.

Do I regret having my child? no, never, he is the best thing that has happened to me, would I get rid of him because the circumstances are not ideal, nope, fuck that. If you don’t want to keep the baby because it doesn’t work for you, that is absolutely fine, but if you do, rest reassured that you will find the strength and joy to raise this much wanted child on your own.

I'd be a little bit more involved with knowing the background of someone I was shagging and supposedly in a relationship with.

Did you read the bit where I explained how the office men will support each other in shagging the latest "bit of skirt", including suppressing conversation about wives until it's too late?

Well I have kids with someone who was my husband and he's been utterly terrible. I wish I'd had kids without a man to ruin our lifes. It's me personal belief that having no father is ok if you have a good mother but having a not good father is damaging no matter how good the mother.

Firstly a father doesn't get to choose if he contributes- he has obligations and you can claim CMS if you choose.

If you know how much he earns then go on the CMS website and use their calculator to see how much maintenance would be owed. You said he has kids already which will reduce the amount he pays. Even if you don't put him in the birth certificate he can take you to court for 50/50 and this would mean he would not pay any maintenance- you should consider if he would do this. Does his wife work? Do you know anything about his childcare arrangements? If he relies on family then there would not be childcare costs to keep him from seeking 50/50. Additionally do the calculations both as if he stays with his wife and if he were single and having to pay maintenance for his current children as that will impact what he would pay for this baby should you keep it. Look at what he would be paying and think if it's worth the potential problems that will come with claiming it.

As soon as you tell him he is the father you open the door to him seeking a relationship with the child. You don't get to decide how much of a relationship that will be up to him. You hand over all control. If he will be a good father and a good thing in the child's life then obviously you tell him and encourage a relationship but be sure.

I'm a single parent and I never planned to be. It can be done. Loads of us do it. And loads of us do it without support.

Lastly I always think people should consider if they could cope with a disabled child when deciding to have children. You don't get to pick what child you get. One of mine has significant needs and I've been left unable to work, I pay interest only on my mortgage and will not be able to pay it off without inheritance. I can't pay into a pension. Life is bleak. I love my child and could never not have him now I actually know him but if I'd known my future before having him I may have made a different decision. Like me you are a home owner that impacts your benefits entitlement. Obviously it's right the tax payer doesn't fund a mortgage but be aware that we're you in a rental you would be entitled to help should you be unable to work and any issues with the house is landlords responsibility- when you own and rely on benefits you are utterly funked when the house needs maintenance!!

Your post reads like you want to keep the child. You say you want a child. I wanted children desperately and ended up rushing it with a man who I felt was good but it ended up terrible. Personally I say it's a blessing having the chance to have a child without a man if you don't already have the man and want a child. But think it through as you are doing. You will owe that child a good life and will never get a day off from being a mother it comes before all other responsibilities. If you are ok with that then keep the child.

Good luck to you OP. and you get no judgment from me for not knowing he is married. He's the one who is at fault here not you

They’re scary in their ability to compartmentalise.

Why should she move away?! SHE is also innocent as is this baby. I sense projection.

I'd rather be a single parent with self respect than spend my life with a lying cheat and a father who thinks it's fine to have unprotected sex resulting in more children behind his wife's back. Things would be rough initially but then the wife can be free to meet someone who treats their marriage like it actually means something. Blaming OP for turning people's lives upside down...what about hers? What about the wife's right to know and choose if she stays married to a scumbag?

@StopInhalingRevels I posted earlier that I personally wouldnt tell the father. People post here for advice, it's bad form to be haranguing a poster into doing what you think they ought to do, it isn't your life or your choice.

I think this too.

OP, make sure you get tested for STI’s. You’re likely not the first affair this man has had and there may well be other children outside his marriage. This could significantly affect the financial support you’ll get.

Her innocence or otherwise is beside the point. How's she going to explain her pregnancy at work if she stays where she is? Sooner or later, someone will work it out and how's that going to be for everyone?

You just want the drama of a big scene with his family, him dumped by everyone and his wife moving on. That's your story.

All of the complexities aside….don’t do a thing until you’ve seen that 12 week scan. A lot can change it’s early days. Awful situation. Did he tell you he was single? I’m guessing you asked before you slept with him?

Which seems worse to you, not knowing who your father is, or knowing who he is and that he wants nothing to do with you?

LOL - how is the poster going to make THAT happen??

ROFL

Projection? Seriously? What on earth do you think I'm projecting about?

Oh yes, I did read that bit. Most odd.

The office tart/the person who tries to shag anything that moves/the boss and the secretary...yep seen all those clichés.

But the "well known thing" of a group of married men who club together at work and hide each others marriages so they can rotate through new employees through mutual picking and choosing? Nah. And if you've seen it, the exception doesn't make the rule.

@Famousinlove not everyone wears wedding rings. My husband has never worn one, my father has never worn one, and although I do have a wedding ring, I do not wear it (I don't like wearing jewellery because it irritates my skin condition). A man not wearing a wedding ring doesn't mean he has just removed one, he simply may not wear one at all, like the Prince of Wales.

Are you going to answer the actual question, why the various detrimental circumstances for this child caused by OPs actions, are making out the child is a Dickensian orphan/down the mines?

I'm guessing she didn't ask.

Yes she got pregnant on purpose. Also, if she had been dating him awhile surely she would have visited his house/met his friends?! Had suspicions?

My DH wore one for a few years until he developed a scabby skin condition from not being able to keep dry under it with all the extra pandemic hand washing (it was some strange scientific metal, not gold). I’ve never worn one, I have weird stubby fingers and find wearing a ring quite painful.

It's common as muck in IT and many other male-dominated industries. The men jostle and create a pecking order for who will try it on with the new female colleague first.

What you call "the office tart" is the logical consequence of the circling sharks as viewed through the First Rule. You see, the lass who dates a man who she didn't know was married, then moves team to avoid her now-ex, then dates a man who she didn't know was married again, gets called "slut".

It's amazing what men will say to each other when they forget that a woman is within earshot because she has the corner desk and is hidden by her monitor.

Victim-blaming. It's reasonable to expect that someone wanting to shag you isn't married, unless you happen to be on Ashley Madison or at a swingers' club.

Just to repeat..

Others at work knew. The wife was talked about openly so that other colleagues knew it was her birthday coming up.

So no. Not some weird secret pact of the married men IT dept.

And again...

Yet OP had absolutely no idea. And an accidental pregnancy. And a contraception failure. That's quite a lot of things that generally don't happen, but here's OP with all three!

It's amazing how some of us stumble through life without accidentally (and repeatedly in your example) dating married men around the workplace. Pure luck.