Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

@Kittykat9070 You asked the cynical "smiling beaver" (pages back, since deleted) "So what do you feel [the OP] has gained from coming on mumsnet for advice on this situation by saying she didn’t know?"

Let me answer from my own rather cynical perspective. The OP said she didn't know her lover was married so that she wouldn't have shedloads of abuse hurled at her. She wants to keep the baby - fair enough. However, she had a genuine question. Read her original post. This is the question she really asked: "How do I tell HER?" Notice the block caps.

In my experience OWs only want to tell wives about their lying bastard husbands in order to ricochet the lying bastard back into their own court.

My guess is the OP particularly wanted advice on that. Glad everyone, with the possible exception of @TeaGinandFags, advised her against telling the wife. Life's hard enough without that level of eye-knuckling humiliation.

Thank you so much for telling me what I want! And there was me thinking I was looking out for both the wife and OP. Not sure on the way you live your life but generally people don't have a big public scene. And if people ask, it's up to the OP what she says, it's no one else's business and I'd find it extremely rude for work colleagues to right out ask 'who's the father?'

I'm unsure if you have had a baby behind your wife's back or your the wife who wished she never knew of her husbands cheating. Either way your advice is not coming from a good place.

Massively this.

Dressed up as "but I'm only trying to do the best for my child".

There was never any doubt she was keeping it. And the wife and children are insignificant collateral damage. And everyone will know this is the score, despite what OP tries to narrate otherwise.

I know someone who did something similar and her attitude was "well my baby hasn't got it's dad living with them, so why do I care if those kids haven't got their dad anymore?". She is no longer a friend.

Sceptical much?

They work in two different departments. Plus an accidental pregnancy is often the result of a contraception failure so I have no idea where you are getting your three things from.

But go on, kick someone when they're down. Hope it makes you feel good about yourself.

Hang on a minute - why are you putting the blame for that on the OP? It's 100% the fault of the cheating husband!

What a horrible thing to say about "single mums".

Well she's going to find out isn't she. Considering he will have to pay child support.

Wow, that's quite some fantasy you're projecting on to me there!!

You only have to read OPs posts to see that, indeed, most of the people on this thread are "sceptical" and for good reason.

Primarily starting with the "how do I tell the wife" and the fact that for 8 pages of people discussing her using no protection, and being desperate for a baby, it wasn't until someone called out her accountability in lack of contraception as opposed to contraception failure, that OP then announced it was a contraception failure.

You can't prove these things and that's generally what is banked upon.

It's sickening actually. The poster is in a crisis pregnancy situation and all some of you can do is hound her with allegations that she did it on purpose. She couldn't have done it on her own!

And I also have some empathy for people, and I will not groundlessly accuse someone, but will rather give them the benefit of the doubt.

Before you take the moat out of someone's eye, maybe take the plank out of your own.

Because it was orchestrated.

He was a total dickhead. I have no qualms about that. A cheat and a low, low man.

But this was very much a planned pregnancy from OP. You could give the benefit of the doubt re knowing his marital status. So perhaps she thought she was nabbing herself a potential good future father. Him? Oblivious, babies are the last thing she's talking about. She wouldn't want one. He's got nothing to worry about. She wouldn't keep it even if an accident did happen. Etc.

But it turns out now, that she's orchestrated a baby with a married man with children. And all she cares about now is having her baby, and trying to get the wife out of the way.

I completely agree, none of this could have happened without him being a complete fucking idiot and letting it. But to suggest OP is innocent in all this?? The only innocent people are the wife and children.

1. OP doesn't work in the same physical office as the cheat, so wouldn't have heard colleagues who aren't in the cabal (usually the female colleagues) talk about his wife.
2. Contraception failure and accidental pregnancy are synonyms, so this is a two-event coincidence, not a three-event coincidence.
3. It's very easy to become an unwitting OW. I ended up an unwitting OW twice because married men join dating websites. It's a reflection of how shit many men are that they will cheat like this and it doesn't mean that the unwitting OW has done anything wrong: she hasn't.

All he had to do was wear a condom. The child-free men I've dated have insisted on using them, regardless of my own contraceptive use. Men who want to stay child-free are perfectly capable of putting condoms on.

Stop blaming women for men's reproductive irresponsibility.

OP doesn't work in the same physical office as the cheat, so wouldn't have heard colleagues who aren't in the cabal (usually the female colleagues) talk about his wife

Er, yes she does. So that's voided that theory.

It's very easy to become an unwitting OW. I ended up an unwitting OW twice because married men join dating websites

Well this rather explains why you think the way you do. This isn't online dating either. Big difference there.

We are in different departments though

From the OP's fourth post. So not the same office.

Keep the baby and tell him about it but i don't think you should go anywhere near his wife. What do you have to gain from that other spite? It's his job to tell her if that's what he wants. You make your choices, he makes his.

I think you mean HE

Again, not my experience. Perhaps on the first initial sexual encounters a condom was used. After that, and a clean std check, previous partners have relied on me taking the pill. I have relied on me taking the pill. And this in itself is an indication that I do not wish to be pregnant and would not keep the pregnancy should an accident occur.

Absolutely I'd be to blame if I misled someone to think that I was taking highly effective contraception, indicating I would not continue with a resulting pregnancy...when the whole time I was actively trying for my first child. It's no different to poking holes in a condom. It's making people think they are having sex protected from pregnancy. Awful.

Jeez you're really clutching at straws here.

People at work knew it was his wife's birthday.

OP knew him infinitely more closely than that, yet had absolutely no idea he was married nor had children?

We get it, you got duped online. This isn't the same thing.

You really are something else, aren't you?

Give it a rest

Haven't they just.

OP, please ignore the unhelpful or rude comments. I haven’t got any useful information to offer, but like most of us here I wish you and your baby well. You’ll be fine, single motherhood is no longer unusual and I hope you get all the back-up you need. Congratulations!

Believe it or not the former is worse than the latter.

Even if rejected, the latter provides some context, perhaps wider family, possible connection with siblings, perhaps some historical family data, some cultural knowledge and expression, possible access to grandparents, important genetic information, understanding of shared behavioural expressions and habits & hobbies and shared facial and physical features, information to hand down to any future grand children... it's not all strictly about the Father.

I know someone whose little girl was the result of an affair. Her Aunt and Grandma (from the fathers side) became involved, but the father remained out the picture. When she was 4 she started asking what a Daddy was and where was hers? This is a human question all children eventually ask. Where is my parent? Where do I come from? Luckily the father did eventually meet her. But she had a right to know where she comes from.

Lies may help or be necessary initially, but will do more damage on the long run. I am not talking crazy abusive parents here, where no contact is about safety.

But it is very selfish to deprive a child unnecessarily of their background. It is the opposite of taking responsibility. I am really against anonymous sperm or egg donation for this reason.

I don't know that's necessarily true. My grandmother never knew who her father was but had strong male figures in her life growing up and it never seemed to bother her.

OTOH, my brother-in-law knows who his father is, but his father doesn't want to know him. It's heartbreaking; he keeps inviting him to things, graduations, his wedding, and his father never responds.