Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Tough tits. That's the risk men take.

They should protect themselves from 'pregnancy' and stop leaving it up to women to take that responsibility for them.

Lets get real about biology and stop pretending we're all such sophisticated beings because it's the millennium 2024, that we've successfully trained out of ourselves all the thousands of years of nature's biological imperative to procreate. We haven't. Nature has tricks under its sleeve to ensure you still perform what it considers the only thing you're actually here for anyway.

I had two children. One in secondary school. And another in six form. I was also ill. But approaching 40, I suddenly seemed to lose my mind! Suddenly I desperately wanted a baby.

I found myself eyeing pregnant women resentfully, staring at babies in buggies, eyes alighting on the baby produce shelves in the supermarket. It was so strong I actually managed to subconsciously delay my own period by a couple months. I cried in front of my then DH who fortunately had the snip. I don't know what I would have done (hopefully I would never have engineered a pregnancy) . But I can tell you I have heard confessions from other women that they 'allowed' themselves to get pregnant whilst knowing it wasn't exactly something their husbands wanted. They felt desperate. It's real life. It's an unpleasant truth. Not all women are the same

I hit 43 and all of a sudden the madness passed It's back a bit as I approach 50 but not as strong.

Men need to realise women are subject to different biological imperatives and sleeping unprotected with a fertile woman in mid-life is a massive risk. Even subconsciously she may work to make conception happen. Though I do not think OP did this.

@pregnantandanxiouss Who cares about the man's feelings.

Men who have relationships with more than one woman are just greedy.

@MaidOfAle It's common as muck in IT and many other male-dominated industries. The men jostle and create a pecking order for who will try it on with the new female colleague first.

Maybe 20-30 years ago, but definitely not today. My experience of workplaces is that they are very sexless places and I don't ever hear men talking about trying to have relationships with co-workers.

Those are probably the ones pushing (quite ferociously, in fact) for OP to just abort the baby as if it is NBD.

OP--I hope you have a calm and successful pregnancy.
Don't tell the father until well after the 12-week mark, and let HIM be the one to broach (or not) the subject with his wife. It's up to you whether you go after CM from him or do it totally on your own.

As for your parents; they may be upset for a bit, but if they are good people, they will come around and support you and love you both to the moon and back.

CONGRATULATIONS

Isn't 'going on dates' and sleeping with someone two very different things?

How many times did you sleep together? Once or twice? Every few days? If you went on a few dates and slept together twice, can you see how this will seem that you indeed did plan to fall pregnant.

Personally I would not go ahead with this pregnancy. You have plenty time to become pregnant again if you did so fast this time. And then you wont have the list of things to ask, as per your OP.

This is going to cause major stresses going forward. For everyone including you.

Lots of posters saying they raised a child alone. Yes is doable. But not ideal

It is not ideal to have an abortion that you don’t want. The Op may suffer more from that than raising a wanted baby alone.

Many women are raising children in less than ideal marriages and are not being told to abort against their wishes.

I suggest OP you leave this thread so you are not influenced in your decision from women who simply don’t know you, don’t know your circumstances, are successful single mothers or cheated ex wives looking for blood to absolve the sins of men like those they are married to.

Right, of course, SHE, an innocent party, should move away from family and friends, so the man is not inconvenienced, and his family doesn't get upset.

I would think you were kidding or trying to be sarcastic, but after reading some of the shit posts from some people (who call themselves good people), I realize you actually think this.

SHAME ON YOU! YANBADWSB

Of course it is. I’ve dated colleagues and no-one knew apart from a colleague I chose to tell

That's hard to answer and massively subjective. I always knew the name. But never met my father until my mid 20s. Even with that tiny bit of info it was very difficult not knowing who he was - very common name, so as I got older the internet didn't help much. Not that I ever hugely looked into it just the odd idea every so often.

I knew he had chosen not to be in my life and that was honestly a very crap feeling. How bad could I as a tiny baby have been for him not to want me.

BUT my bad feelings were towards him. If my mother had known who he was and kept that from me I would have been angry with her. In my 30s now I could probably comprehend some reasonings for it but if I found out in my teens or even 20s she had kept my father from knowing I existed I don't think I'd forgive her.

Of course there are circumstances which do make that acceptable - an old colleague told me once she told her DS she didn't know the father because he had tried to attack her with a knife then stalked her until she moved.

OP it sounds like you want to keep the baby and that is really all that matters in this situation. I would tell him but after your first trimester and you are certain baby is 'sticking'.

You are both adults who had sex, contraceptive sometimes fails, these are the consequences. It doesn't mean you planned it, but it also doesn't mean you need to abort.

If you think you can be a single mother go for it, and many women do.

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Irrespective of what birth control OP was on, or whether she secretly planned a baby this whole time (which I don't believe) it still stands that -

Men can wear their own protection! Nobody is preventing them. They can take their own condoms and insist on using them or else not have sex. Women, unlike men, can't easily stealth remove a condom. He had the right to make sure she never got pregnant and he didn't use that right...he was equally responsible.

Secondly posters suggesting the child will be in dire straits for life if she has it. Children are raised happy by single mothers all the time. Women have the absolute right to choose to keep a child as well as to abort. Absolutely noone should be giving the OP grief about what she chooses to do with her body and the child she's carrying.

Absolutely 💯 👏👏👏

We don't know whose 'fault' it was? Contraception does fail. OP you don't have to to tell anyone, certainly not for 12 weeks. You can't put his name on the Birth Cert. unless he's there, btw. That said, he will work it out and then who knows.

Have you thought about what your child might want in the future?

The Pill can fail. Any man who relies on someone else's contraception for his reproductive decisions is an idiot. The Pill quadruples your risk of having a stroke. Any man who is willing to quadruple your stroke risk so that he can bareback deserves to be kicked out of your bed and out of your life. Him putting a condom on in case the Pill fails is him showing willing to protect you from an unplanned pregnancy: it's the least he can do to be a decent human being.

I didn't know whether someone two desks away was married for two years. And he's in the same team as me.

No one can tell you if you are capable of bringing up a baby on your own. We know nothing about you or your financial situation.

All this claptrap about " a village"... when the chips are down it will be you on your own with a child , possibly a bit hard up money wise and looking ahead to a foreseeable future like that.

You will go through a pregnancy and birth without the father and without the joy and happiness that an event like this should bring. You must have known there was someone else in his life. I know what I would do - this is a T junction you are at and the destinations are two very different places.

I'm in agreement with @StopInhalingRevels re that not only was in his fault for no protection. but op's too.

I too also thought that it was very interesting and telling that one of her thoughts was how she was gong to tell "HER", the wife. And the "grenade" that this was thus going to throw under the life of the family, his other children. Those poor children. She wanted the wife to know.

But we don't have enough info here. Because op has refused to answer many of the questions asked of her.

Eg as @Highlighta asked her : how many dates, how many times slept together.

In 2 months of an affair, you never asked any questions? About him, where he lived, never visited his place,went out to eat, for dinner, met his friends?

Or was it more like twice a week you snuck off at lunchtime for sex, pure and simple, no strings attached?

What sort of protection were you using? was a condom ever used? did you have an STI test before deciding to proceed with no condoms?

All these questions none of us know, because despite being frequently asked op hasn't answered. Because it doesn't fit her narrative. Of the basic decision she has already made.

Women have the absolute right to choose to keep a child as well as to abort. Absolutely noone should be giving the OP grief about what she chooses to do with her body and the child she's carrying

In the UK parents have responsibilities not rights. It is the child that has rights.
Being an unwanted bastard child is obviously survivable for the dc but hardly an ideal start.
The people I know in similar situations were impacted for life by this origin story this isn't all about adults and their wants.

@siameselife i thought we had moved in from the 19th century and the idea of a child being a ‘bastard’ wasn’t as much of an issue…..

As for being ‘survivable’…. It is as survivable as the many children who are born from single mothers (or where dad left within a year of their birth).
Unless what you mean is tyat we should go back to those times where being unwed and pg was the end if the world and babies were ‘adopted’ for their own sake too

@Oblomov24 i do t think anyone has said that the fact she is pg isn’t also her responsibility too. But when it comes to the AP, and his family, the responsibility is squarely in his shoulders.

Women are often seen as the cause of the marriage breaking down. The whole ‘he had an affair. Its the OW fault. I hate her!’ Type of attitude.
No wonder women are then feeling guilty when they see someone who lie to them re being single. The OP is certainly not the first one who would have been in that situation.

All those questions about doing an STI check before not using condoms, seeing his family or if it was a no string attached sex, does it really matter? Unless you are aiming to smear the OP and say that she isn’t a good person so the responsibility lies in her only, does it matter??
Many people dint use condoms, even the first time they have sex.
Whether it was sex only or a relationship slowly emerging, does it matter? Does it change the weight of responsibility? Like if it was a no string attached, it’s all her fault because she now wants to keep the baby.
And how dare she not know he was married! Because you know, it never happened that some men had two families who didn’t know about each other.

All questions there to make you question if the OP is a good person. That somehow she had planned to get pg by him, to trap him. The old tripe if the woman who will go to any length to catch a man.
Never mind he never had a gun on his head and always had the opportunity to say NO.

The reality is that this bloke lied. That’s on him.

If the OP had decided to use him as a sperm donor, so be it. She is taking her responsibility towards the child. Up to him to do the same towards said child.

If he hasn’t lied and the OP knew he was married, he still took the risk of not using condoms and have an affair. That’s still on him.

The situation is still that he will become a father, whether he likes it or not.

Abortions can cause a lot of trauma especially if it’s not something you really want to do. If you want the baby then it’s your right to keep it but it’s also his right to choose not to be involved. Men don’t get a say in what a women chooses to do with her body but as much as a woman can decide if she wants to take on the responsibility of being parent or not I do believe a man should have the same right.

You’re still young enough to meet someone and have and build an actual family but if it’s something you’ve always wanted then you also have to accept you’ll be doing it alone if he doesn’t want to be involved. And it isn’t your business to be telling his wife! What do you want to achieve from this? Most men don’t leave their wives and families for the woman they are just having fun with (sorry OP not meaning to be harsh but it’s the truth). You have to also consider the baby in this and how they are going to feel growing up without a father and knowing one day he had another family and kids he actually raised and was there for. That’s damaging and has a life long effect on how they will live their life, view themselves, partners they will choose etc.

If he chooses not to be involved then you have to understand and accept that you’ll be a single parent doing it alone. If he doesn’t tell his wife and he will only do this if he’s planning to leave her then it’s best to just walk away and raise the child you always wanted. When people say it’s hard but so rewarding I can tell you raising children is filled with more hard moments than there is rewarding ones and this is without being a single parent. You’d never change it but my god is it hard and a complete self sacrifice. Childcare costs are ridiculous so you need to make sure you earn enough to be able to go back to work and support you both otherwise it won’t even make financial sense working. Babies are cute, lovely and an absolute blessing but raising them is harder than most first time mums anticipate. Hopefully you have a good support network around you as you will need it.

But saying all that many women do it alone and life works out well. Relationships and marriages can breakdown during pregnancy etc so nothing is guaranteed and although not ideal life situations it all works out for the best. Good luck OP x

Given the fact that you are keeping the baby, the things I would think about here are pragmatic and all about protecting the child (bar the fact that it is really tough being a single parent). For example:

What happens when your child asks about their father? Why haven't I got a dad?

Telling the father at 12 or 16 weeks or later and letting him know that it is very possible the child will want to look for him when they are older and curious

Naming the father on the birth certificate - right to financial maintainance vs the right to have full autonomy over the child e.g. no contact time with the father and his other family if you felt this was in the interest of the child.

Understanding that not all step mothers are cruel and punishing (if they take a second to acknowledge the child was an innocent party in this scenario) but it is one possible reaction to an affair child.

Being very very careful of future partners in your life. Children who are not biological offspring can be vulnerable to men in relationships to their mother (obviously not all the time, I know some brilliant step dads but it is common enough to be seen as a pattern). You will always need to put this child's needs above your own.

It's not an ideal situation but lots of babies have and will be born where things are not ideal. I had an abortion when I was 16 to continue my education and because I knew the lad involved would be as hard work as the baby in reality.
He was lovely but immature and pissed his entire wages away on drink every Friday (was a bit older than me).

In my 30's had a child who is now my teenager, who has quite a lot of SEND. I would have struggled with that if I'd have been on my own. I also developed a chronic health condition which would markedly have affected DS's life if not for his dad's ability and willingness to change everything to be around and to manage things for our family.

I'm not saying don't have the baby (I am strongly pro-choice) but have a think about the above. Having a child on your own means you will have to dig deep and find inner resources you never knew you had. You will be tired beyond tired. You will wonder who to call at 2am when the baby has a funny rash and you wonder if they just need more calpol and sleep or an ambulance.

You will also experience love and joy to a greater depth than you ever knew. Seeing a child develop and grow is fascinating and awe inspiring. They don't need that much expensive stuff.
They do need a shed load of time, energy, imagination and understanding.

Good Luck OP. Keep us posted as you go.

Wtf? You can have sex once and use contraception and still get pregnant. Also the cheater could have made sure he didn't want to get her pregnant. He's the user here, why you making op the villain when she's been duped also

Congratulations OP. Becoming a mother was the best thing I ever did with my life. Make your plans as a single woman and leave him and his bullshit in the background. What an absolute prick he is.

Personally I would do one of two things;

Tell him, give him one week to tell his wife before you do and let the chips fall where they may. If he's more senior than you in work I'd look for another job. If not I'd suggest to him that he does.

Don't bother telling him and when you start showing in work be vague to your colleagues saying it was a relationship which didn't work out because he was a liar and cheat but you've decided to go ahead alone.

Good luck! I know it's not as you planned but you're financially solvent with a support network - you've got this OP!!!