Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

It's a fantasy. Not a recommendation.

What a delight you are.

I'd bet my house he's had other affairs at work. Ask around, OP; I'm sure you'll find out.

I feel like r/mensrights or similar have turned up on the thread

It's not OK for him to lie to his wife and OP, bareback OP, and expect OP to abort away the consequences of his decision.

Because I speak the truth?

Look through the bullshit.

@CatMumSlave

Protection?

Op has posted 8 times. She's chosen to not mention failed protection.

I neither agree nor disagree that she wanted a baby from this or not, I really don't! But there's only one of them with sperm, she didn't 'trap' him, he's already got kids so he knows how they're made and he did it regardless. His family life is not her concern.

Thanks for everyone's replies. I think I will leave this thread for the night and maybe read more later in the week as some of the replies are stressing me out even more. I'm anonymous on here with my first and only thread, so have no reason to lie about any of this.

To clarify, I didn't know he was married. I didn't plan this. It was a contraception fail. I even had a smear test (before finding out I was pregnant) so I'm a bit worried that it may affect baby as I've heard you shouldn't get a cervical smear whilst pregnant. I've had problem periods in the last 6 months and have been on a long waiting list to see a gynaecologist, so to be honest, I thought I was entering early menopause when I missed my last period as I had several symptoms alluding to it. But the baby will be so incredibly loved if I decide to keep it.

I can financially cope by myself so it wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't want to contribute at all. It would be tough, but I'm in the fortunate position of owning my home outright thanks to inheritance. So it's really just bills to cover. It won't be easy, I'm not earning 100K a year, but I could do it.

I'm happy but also so anxious and scared. Just so overwhelmed right now.

If you want to keep the baby and not turn his innocent family's life upside down, then move away and raise the child on your own.

Could you please explain how you didn't suspect he was married.Thanks. Did you phone him. Did you know where he lived. You worked in the same place and no colleague thought to mention your boyfriend was married.

What are you going to do if he tells his wife and by some miracle she stays with him and then goes great… we will go for 50/50 …then treats your kid like shit for being alive. Nothing serious but just made clear she isn’t wanted…. since he’s the father then no reason that couldn’t happen.

HE needs to move away.

He's a cheat and a coward. He needs to step away from OP because he is unlikely to support it. Unless he's going to lie to his wife about their finances.

Because it’s lies in favour to make her out as the victim.

If you've always wanted children and can make it work financially I'd absolutely go for it. I think you would end up really regretting an abortion, particularly if motherhood doesn't then happen for you.

I would wait until you've had your twelve week scan then tell him, calmly and factually. I'd tell him you're keeping the baby, and he can be as involved as he wants to be. I wouldn't out him, but I would expect him to pay maintenance. His wife is his problem not yours.

Good luck!

I'm going to reply to this last one before I go as I didn't cover this in my previous post.

No one at work knew we were dating. I've dated coworkers in the past and have kept it quiet as I don't want my personal life to be the talk of the office, especially when I'm just in the early dating stage. I would think it's normal for a lot of people in the workplace to keep their romantic lives private until they're in a full blown relationship.

Children have a right to know who their parents are. There are a great many donor children upset of being deprived of a parent. I feel OP should tell the father at least, but only after it's too late for a termination.

He put his family at risk of stress. Their welfare was chiefly his responsibility.

What’s your position at work
how long have you worked there

is he in the position to make things difficult for you

I suspect he will loose his job too.

What a prick, he should have at least given you the truth to enable you to decided on getting involved.

Not advocating it - but it's best to consider the ramifications of all possibilities.
Obviously you don't need a father's name on the birth certificate - it can be unknown. A friend told the authorities, rightly or wrongly, it could have been one of three from a holiday abroad and they didn't have the contact details.

You think the potential: resentment of the existing family, the rejection, the stepmother who can't abide this child being around, the abandonment issues of a father who refuses to acknowledge the child at all, the jealousy (etc etc etc as per my first post) makes the child some Dickensian orphan down the mines?? These are very real and lifelong issues, that OP is choosing for another human.

The child is, through no faults of its own, an affair baby. And this is not going to be champagne and skittles. But OP doesn't seem to care because she really really wanted a baby and she'll love it soooooo much.

If she could hide that he was the father, it might make things easier for the child, and the existing children. But she's not going to do that because that's not what she's considering in any of her decisions. This is all about her having any baby. Even though the most likely result is him refusing anything to do with OP or the baby, she's going to make sure the wife knows. It's all there already "I'll never stop him being involved...how do I tell his wife..."

What do you do? Whatever you want 🤷‍♀️
If this twat is dumb enough to have unprotected sex with someone from work whilst married then he pays whatever the price for that is. No matter what you may have told him (usually it's "I can't get pregnant") if he is stupid enough to risk it for the thrill, he wouldn't even be a concern right now.

You wanted to have a baby so it's worked out for you. The whole not knowing he was married is pretty dodgy but it is what it is.
You need to ensure he is financially responsible for this child and you just go forward. This is the man you've chosen to be the father of your child so you will need to be prepared for whatever comes of it. His wife is his concern, I'd leave her out of it for now. There'll be enough to deal with later. I know you say he can be a part of the baby's life but you're feeling generous now but life and the reality means that is often not the end result. There are probably years of conflict ahead but you hold all the cards so just deal with it as it comes.

All I'd worry about for now is the shared financial responsibility and planning for this baby. Good luck

FFS. I've worked with people who I didn't know were married until I'd been in the job for months. If he doesn't wear a wedding ring and has no photos on his desk, how would she know?

I'll let you into a dirty little secret: married men deliberately seek out the "new girl" in the office for an affair. They negotiate amongst themselves which of the married men gets to date "new girl" this time. And they support each other's efforts to have these affairs by "forgetting" to mention each other's wives.

And yes, I've been the fresh meat being circled by the sharks. Only my strict and lifelong "don't date colleagues" rule protected me.

Oh there's no doubt here that this guy sounds like a complete shit. But, provided they don't label the woman as "crazy" (yes, I cringe at that too), it does seem to be the consensus amongst men I've come across that they stupidly think "Well, she'll obviously terminate" in this sort of shitshow situation as keeping the child is not the rational outcome here - it's an emotional decision that is made when the woman wants a baby regardless. The bar for some men truly is in Hades, we know this. But that doesn't mean we have to make our lives and those of our children unnecessarily harder.