Wearing his wedding ring

[Confusedcrush]

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

Sorry pressed too soon. Would now always insist on going to their house before getting too invested.

Don’t waste one more day of your time on him. He’s a walking red flag with a shit ton of baggage, who could be arsed with that??? I know I couldn’t. My major flag would’ve been just getting to year one and still not meeting any family!! Get rid now before you waste any more years on him xxx

You're not stupid or pathetic- I hope you tell your friends/family.

He's a selfish lying bastard who doesn't deserve you or your children.

whoever mentioned the mental/ suicidal ex is compulsory so 1) you feel sorry for them 2)they prep you for when they need to cancel plans at last minute-because he is needed by adult kids or mum 3) s you generally program yourself for a lesser treatment because you believe 'poor him, that is the best he can do'!!!

have always been wary of these scammers.

After three years you haven’t clarified if he actually still lives with his wife?!

How old are your children?
Do they need to know or just don’t mention it ,
Maybe he put the ring on for the wedding or just never taken it off, because he’s got a ring on doesn’t mean anything
I don’t wear a wedding ring, does that mean I’m not married?

OP just read your post, and I am so sorry this has happened to you but this ⬆️ poster is correct, and HE is the one with issues, you have done nothing wrong other than fall in love. Sending you big hugs and lots of love - cuddle your children tight xx

Absolutely do some digging. Be one step ahead. Then you will know the full picture before he apouts any more lies and you dump him

How can you think he and his wife live separately? Haven't you been to his house in the 3 years?

The fact is. He's married and not separated. This is why you've not met his family. Just can't believe it's taken 3 years and a photo for you to realise this.

I never meant I don't know if they live together, I meant my understanding was they didn't live together but that no one in his life knew about me. He said it'd divide his DCs loyalties and they'd put up with so much due to their mum being unwell it wasn't fair to them. I can't believe that lying that the mother of your children was suicidal is so much of a thing that people know it's used as a lie. What kind of person would tell that lie?

I know I've been blind, I wanted to have someone who cared about me and wanted to be with me so I ignored red flags, it's easy to see from the outside but I was happy someone wanted to be with me.

Ignore the people having a pop OP.
How are you holding out?
Have you something nice planned with DC this weekend?
💐

DC have got activities so at least it keeps me busy.

I'm fine as long as no one asks me how I am or asks after him, and I don't smell anyone who uses the same products he does, or hear any music that makes me think of him, or see any happy couples holding hands, and no one calls me love in a Lancashire accent. So fine really!!!

Thank you for the support, I'm ashamed to tell people, I haven't told anyone yet.

Sorry you are going through this 💐

Do NOT feel ashamed.

I’m really sorry but there’s too many red flags here to ignore. He’s separated but not divorced, still supporting his supposedly ex wife, and no one in his family knows you exist and he won’t introduce you to them. Even if as another poster had said, there’s a reasonable explanation why he’s not divorced , in that case she is aware of the new relationship so it’s clearly out in the open. You’re not in the open you’re the secret. You need to have a conversation with him - but be ready to call bull 🐂 and walk away. General rule, any man tells you he’s separated but not divorced, unless he’s backing that up with introduction to his family / friends and a solid reason he isn’t divorced (such as the wife has early onset dementia and can’t legally consent to a divorce) then he’s looking to have his cake and eat it too.

What this tells you is that , while YOU are living with the assumption of a legit Romance; HE is living The proverbial Double Life. The Doubts, The Uncertainty of dating a attached man. Its really not worth it. I tell you what : I wont tell you what to do but try to protect yourself physically. I think I might have been in a similar situation. Its difficult to ' see' when youre in it. Only after the fact can I see whats been done to me and my body and Im left wondering W. T. F... I was ' given' things which needed treating at a clinic. These people are unscrupulous. I dont know what illusion I fed myself how I could have given MYSELF this condition. If youre worried then protect your Health at least.

I know this is a really hard time for you, but I must say, I really admire the way you’ve made your decision! Most people would him and haw about it, but you’ve made your mind up and stuck with it. That’s something to be proud of I’d say.

I haven’t read all the messages, but just to tell you , you are not stupid.

Life isn’t as black and white as mumsnet claims it is. You have to open up and trust people sometimes even if it does end up going wrong.

Apologies if you have updated later in the thread, but I hope you can talk to him about it and get clear and honest answers.

Honestly, you’d be surprised the lies some men will tell to have their cake and eat it too. An ex of mine told me all sorts of tales and then secretly went onto his wife’s Facebook and blocked me so that I couldn’t contact her, still did in the end after I realised what must have happened 🙃

so sorry OP. Head held high, he ain’t worth it.

Rough!

been there. Kinda.

Twas university, me 21, him 26 (his second degree) He has a roommate away on practicum. Who is a girl. Who he dated in high school. Who he continued to date after high school. Who he dated up to recently. Who he was actually engaged to. Who he broke it off with. Oh but his parents really only think the wedding is postponed.

anyway. It all came out slowly. I called it off with the parents not knowing bit.

but then one of his coworkers a month or two later ran into me and called me his GF. So maybe they were broken up? He was pretty awesome.

fast forward many years and they did get married and have two teenage girls. lol.

anyway. If he’s worth it, it might be worth a conversation. Maybe he’s trying not to kill a really religious grandma?

but I’d assume I’m the side piece in your case.

I hope you're okay OP. I've been in a similar situation and despite everything things worked out well for us and we built a life together.

Life isn't black and white as everyone on Mumsnet makes out and you don't know the reasons behind it all.

I would give him the chance to explain properly so atleast you have. Some closure x

@Confusedcrush He had told told you he is not divorced. If we want to think positively could be that just many family members do not know he is separated, that is why he did wear the ring. If you don’t mind he is not divorced and he is not going to divorce , I would just tell him the only way for me to trust him is to meet his kids.

What a horrible situation to be in?

Has he been in contact since? Given any explanation?

Sending hugs.

No he hasn't. I realise in hindsight that every time we've rowed, it's always been me who makes the first move. So I'm guessing he thinks that's going to happen now and he can just sit back and wait for me to try to fix it, but I'm not going to.

Still here willing you onwards and upwards.
Don't be ashamed, you've done nothing wrong. You don't have to tell people the whole story of your separation. All you have to say is that it didn't work out for you or similar. No one needs the details.