Wearing his wedding ring

[Confusedcrush]

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

Op don’t be so hard on yourself! He’s a ducking loser! You’re not, you’re a far better person than he is. Someone else will realise that and you’ll be so much happier for it. Download a dating app. I met my husband on one, but really I loved it! All the random conversations lol. Was great for whenever I was bored and hilarious when you get absolute head-bangers!

If you can't go there yourself - to his actual address, or his wife's (if indeed they are separate places), then I'd be hiring a PI to see what can be confirmed about the true picture! So he can't just gaslight you about the wedding ring.

Hello again 👋

Sorry work has been mad recently so I’ve not been online a lot. Just to say you are doing brilliantly, you are strong and wonderful and forging on ahead. Ignore the people who somehow think it would help you to have them pass their judgement on you, people who don’t know you and somehow seem to have psychic powers.

Only you know what you’ve gone through and I am very sorry that things have come to the end that they have. If we had a little window into the future where we could see that if we endured six amounts of crap we would then meet our next twenty years of wonderful we would endure those six months without much complaint wouldn’t we? It’s not only the idea of what we have lost but also the uncertainty of the future that is painful.

But I honestly think you will rise above this (although please stop seeing yourself as anything less than an amazing ‘catch’) you haven’t done anything wrong here, in fact the contrary, you gave of yourself willingly and without agenda. Someone else will find you and will recognise your amazing qualities, I don’t know how long it will take but it will happen. Onwards and upwards, you have conducted yourself with amazing dignity, ignore the naysayers here who cast aspersions on your heartbreak from their armchairs, you are doing great. Sending love. ❤️

Well this hasn't been a good weekend. DSs friends mum had a party, the kind with kids running around and adults quietly getting tipsy. I was literally the only single person there. Happy drunk women talking about how much they adore their husband, he does this and that, how long they've been together, me sitting there like a lemon, it'd be funny if it wasn't so gutting. And I know not all people in relationships are happy but I've just spent several hours with people who are and who talked about it at length!

I'm just so sad, and lonely. It's not like he'd have even come if we were still together he probably wouldn't, but I'd have been ok with that because I'd still feel like I had someone who loved me. But even that was a lie. I miss feeling loved more than I miss him.

I know exactly how you felt and been in that situation myself but I am beginning to see more & more how important it is to love & value yourself just as you, not as an extension of someone else and not just in relation to whether you are single or in a couple.

You are still grieving your relationship so you are hyper sensitive to people talking about their partners - hopefully it wasn't all these women talked about!

You might not be single forever but while you are use this time to invest in yourself; to get to know yourself again & to develop your own interests.

It takes time to adjust but being single is actually OK & can actually be great.

OP, a few weeks ago that would have been you. And look at what was really going on. You had no idea your partner was still very much married with no intention of leaving his wife. Who’s to say that one or even some of these ‘happily married’ adoring women aren’t being deceived by nefarious husbands with aware/unaware OW like you? Their worlds could come crashing down in weeks/months/years. You have no idea.

Ppl could have looked at you when you were out with your bastard and envied the relationship they assumed you had. That you assumed you had. Try not let things like this upset you as no one has any idea what is really going on in a marriage or relationship - including the ppl in it sometimes. 😞

💐

This!

Also been there and remember that sinking feeling at parties that everyone else had someone and I didn’t. I longed for it.
But I met someone, got married, and I still do these things alone (partly because of DH work schedule, partly because he doesn’t always make an effort to attend).
Also, since those days, some of my friends have split with their long term partners, some of their partners have had affairs but are still in the relationship, etc - these are all the people who gushed over their partners back then.
My point is, it’s easy to look at others and wish you had that too but you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, nor will you necessarily have a partner in the future who will attend these things with you.

You will get through this, you will find someone who is committed and true to you, when the time is right 💐

I get it op,. I've often felt like this. My situation was similar, slightly different details but the same basic idea of ignoring red flags and hanging on because I wanted to be with someone. He was separated from his disabled wife, had his own place, but nobody knew about me. He ended our relationship after 5 years a few weeks ago, he couldn't cope with living that double life anymore. It really hurts to feel all alone in the world with my dc. I completely understand why you don't want to talk to friends as they're married. I avoid parties and events to avoid the looks of pity,.mixed with distrust just in case you may steel their husband. I have no words of wisdom, just sending you a big digital hug. It will take some time to recover from this, wishing you all the best x

I understand how you could have felt really shit in that situation but per PP, you are probably hypersensitive and notice all the relationship chat more than usual, and also IME the people who feel the need to say such things in public are usually the most insecure in their relationships.

Whether it is hypersensitivity or not, that's an attempt to rationalise someone's feelings. And regardless of the rational explanation, the emotions the op describes feel awful. And I really recognise what she said as I've been in that situation many times too. I'm not at all saying that people do it on purpose, but the endless my relationship is great chat when you've just been through a break-up is soul destroying. Feeling unloved while trying to keep things going as a single parent, it's hard.

No one meant to hurt me but sitting in a group of people all saying how great it is to have something you want and haven't got is hard. It wasn't meant to hurt me, I know that, and yes who knows what goes on behind closed doors. I just have to keep plastering a smile on for DC and just carry on and wait for it to hurt less.

I think you are doing great. You are stronger than you think. People gushing about being happily married would sicken me and I’m married.

Is there something wrong with rationalising someone's feelings?

I just remember when I was first separated & feeling terrible I thought all my friends ever talked about was their partners but now I'm further down the line I realise that they didn't & don't, I was just super aware of the times they did.

I'm not trying to play down the emotions involved because, believe me, I know how awful it feels, but I want OP to know it does get better with time.

I'm crap at plastering a smile on my face for dc, I wish I could do it as well as you! I feel so guilty for not being present and attentive as much as I should be. I decided to explain why I'm upset and at the same make an effort to be as good a mum I can be. I'm panicking on how I'm going to cope with all the practical stuff he helped me with, how I'll cope with the complete lack of physical touch (not just sex, but as you described feeling loved). Being a single mum sucks sometimes hey?!

You will get through this, you will find someone who is committed and true to you, when the time is right 💐

Absolutely. I never thought I’d cope when my first marriage broke down, it totally floored me - but I met someone new far sooner than I expected and I’ve never looked back. I don’t know ANYONE who has failed to find a new partner, life will definitely improve OP. And as my Grandma used to tell me “you’ll never fill your pockets with gold if you keep them crammed with brass.” If you had stayed with Mr Married, you wouldn’t bother with Mr Decent Bloke!

I'm not good at it, I'm just doing it. I miss feeling wanted and loved by an adult, not just needed by a child. By someone who chose me not someone who got landed with me by birth. It's not about needing a man to choose me like a prize off a shelf, but the only affection I have and most of the daily interactions I have are with people who didn't choose me. People in couples have someone who chose them. Yes being a single mum does suck sometimes!

I feel exactly the same x

@Confusedcrush Not sure if you are still reading this but I was a single Mum for 8 years and felt just like you do now and totally get it. After the 8 years of either being single or in a relationship with a loser (and me still being the one getting dumped) I finally met a lovely man. I had begun to think very negatively about myself and my situation when I met him and it took me a while to accept I even deserved a decent man (especially as he didn't have his own children). We have now been together for four years, have a house and baby and getting married next year (I'll be 40) which is all I've ever wanted. Don't give up hope if it's what you want - it just takes meeting the right person- I just wish I'd known I was just fine as I was and deserving for the 8 years beforehand and not given those losers the time of day. If you see red flags in future run don't walk and you'll meet someone decent if that is what you want.

I completely get this. I married my first husband at the ripe old age of 32, I was the last in my friendship group to get married, and also the last single girl in my office. “Four Weddings” was the big film during this period (showing my age here) and I felt totally shit. I was going through dating hell when everyone else was hitched and several of them considering second babies. I used to spend miserable weekends and Bank Holidays alone (or dating losers just for company). Being married was a pipe dream, and I was soooooo touchy about my single status. I once remember buying fish and chips for two, just because I felt too ashamed to ask for a single portion. So I totally understand the hyper-sensitivity when everyone else’s life seems sorted.

Hi Op, how's things? I hope you're doing okay

Thanks for checking on me.To be honest I've set myself back a bit.

He had already paid for an activity to do with DC in the holidays and they were so excited about it so I let them do it. Texted about arrangements but nothing else.

He turned up early, he's never been early in his life, knocked me off balance as I'd planned to stay out of the way. He came in and hugged me, I just stood there I didn't hug him back. I busied myself in the kitchen and he followed me (with DC) asking about where to park and the best route and whatever. When they got back DC seemed a bit subdued and he said goodbye and said to DC I'll see you in January. Yeah turns out he's going to New Zealand for months.

So now I've got DC missing him again (and with a photo of them together from the day out as their phone screen 😪), I'm back into missing him and feeling so sad and lonely, with added being angry that he can just drop work and up to the other side of the world for months when he couldn't spare a few days from work ever to be with me.

I wanted him to be sorry, I wanted him to try to explain or try to talk me round, I know that's just hurting myself but I did. I wanted him to want to even though I would say no. Instead I got him pissing off abroad for months and me back to missing him so much and knowing DC missing him too. I know I did this to myself so I'm angry at me as well as him.

@Confusedcrush now is the time to tell your DC that they won’t be seeing him in January, that he is no longer part of your lives and although that may be sad you are still here and love them. Allow them to grieve the loss of him now and do not let him make contact when he comes back, this relationship is over and your children need to know that asap so they can move on. It will also help you to know this is the reality and he isn’t going to be part of your lives again.

'DC have been chattering all day about the summer holidays plans they've got with him, I hate this.'

This is awful. I appreciate you're lonely but next time don't let your dc get so close to someone who clearly is living a double life. Until you meet their family and friends they don't meet your dc. I realise he lives a distance away but one of your short breaks should obviously have involved visiting his home. 3 years .

I know, I fucked up. I've just made it harder for me and DC when I was trying to make it easier for them. It's made it raw again.

I will tell DC, I want to wait til there's something else nice for distraction - they've been bored this holiday going to grandparents or sport clubs they don't really like while I'm at work. But we're going to Alton Towers in 2 weeks so I'm thinking to use that as a 'this is sad but look over here, fun stuff!' distraction. They don't do well out of routine, I hope they'll find it easier and miss him less when back in school with their friends etc.

What a horrible situation, OP. Is he going with his wife to New Zealand? I’d be sorely tempted to contact her as she doesn’t deserve to have her life wasted, as well as yours.

I know it doesn’t seem it now, but you will be happy again, and the start of that is being kind to yourself and protecting yourself from further harm from him. Start backing yourself and telling yourself you’re worth more than this.

Is Dad in the picture and if so, does he have the DC at any point? I’d recommend MeetUp, which is a great way of spending time with people without it being about dating. Go for walks, make something just find something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about him.

it really helped me when I was getting over my ex, who was also living a double life

xx