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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wearing his wedding ring

282 replies

Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 10:32

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Newbeginning12 · 05/07/2024 13:47

@Confusedcrush OP he probably knows he’s been rumbled and can’t face dealing with the consequences. That’s why he can’t face dealing with leaving his wife either. Conflict avoidant and very cowardly. He’s not a man you’d want to be with longer term.

caringcarer · 05/07/2024 14:14

I tell him I'm not happy he was wearing a wedding ring if he claims to be separated. I'd seriously consider if it's worth carrying on with him.

Beach1234 · 06/07/2024 06:33

Have you told anyone yet? I think you will be surprised if a few people didnt suspect something like this going on but didnt have any proof to confront you with! I know if my friend hadnt met anyone on his side after 3 years I would be a bit suss. Hope you are holding up okay…xx

buma · 06/07/2024 08:27

Omgod, I can't believe he hasn't been in touch :0.

I'd have been inclined to think there might've been a reasonable explanation if he'd been in touch and made his excuses, but he's blatantly been caught out and can't be arsed to deal with the consequences.

Not to make things worse, but I wonder if there were other women too.

Thank god you're rid of him.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/07/2024 21:55

Are you doing OK OP?

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 09/07/2024 22:16

Hi I'm ok thanks. Still sad, and still if I'm honest half expecting to see a message from him every time I look at my phone. He hasn't been in touch. I can't really believe that's it after 3 years but when I get upset I keep telling myself that who I miss (and I do miss him a lot)doesn't exist, that's who I thought he was or who I want him to be, but that's not who he is. Who I want and miss isn't him. It helps a bit Flowers

OP posts:
Beach1234 · 10/07/2024 07:01

Just wanted to say OP you are much stronger than you are think! I asked the other day if you had told anyone yet..I really think you should just to give yourself someone in real life to talk it all over with xx

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 10/07/2024 07:41

I haven't told anyone yet. I don't think I'm avoiding it as such, but not looking forward to it either. Literally all of my friends are married, I do feel like a bit of a loser. And ashamed I was so stupid. In a way it makes me feel like he's less important, no one's even asked after him.

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 10/07/2024 10:33

As soon as you tell it will be such a relief, you will see what we do - you are not a loser and you are not stupid.

He is both of these but that's not a reflection on you.

TruthorDie · 10/07/2024 10:53

Confusedcrush · 09/07/2024 22:16

Hi I'm ok thanks. Still sad, and still if I'm honest half expecting to see a message from him every time I look at my phone. He hasn't been in touch. I can't really believe that's it after 3 years but when I get upset I keep telling myself that who I miss (and I do miss him a lot)doesn't exist, that's who I thought he was or who I want him to be, but that's not who he is. Who I want and miss isn't him. It helps a bit Flowers

I think that’s a helpful and accurate way to conceptualise him; who you thought he was doesn’t actually exist. Sorry he was such a weasel and so cowardly.

BlastedPimples · 10/07/2024 11:11

Do you feel like a loser because you're not married?

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 10/07/2024 11:49

I don't think being married is an achievement, but at the same time I feel low because no one wants to be with me. I see my friends and they have ups and downs of course but they've got someone who wants to share life with them, and I haven't. And the person I thought wanted to be with me just used me and then disappeared when he got found out. Not a good feeling.

OP posts:
CowTown · 10/07/2024 12:04

Confusedcrush · 10/07/2024 11:49

I don't think being married is an achievement, but at the same time I feel low because no one wants to be with me. I see my friends and they have ups and downs of course but they've got someone who wants to share life with them, and I haven't. And the person I thought wanted to be with me just used me and then disappeared when he got found out. Not a good feeling.

It’s all a numbers game. If you’re out meeting 100 guys, you’re going to have a better hit rate than if you’re at home meeting 0 guys. I know it stinks now because you’re in the throes of heartbreak and disappointment. Someone is out there for you, I promise. When you’re ready, get out there and start weeding through the numbers! x

littleapplecottage · 10/07/2024 12:07

Bless you, you sound a lovely person and it's not your fault he did you (& his wife and family) over.
You'll get over this xxx

BetterTheDevlinYouKnow · 10/07/2024 12:18

Hey there, I'm so sorry that you are so sad. It's not a good feeling to realise what a weasel he is. You are right, you cared for the person you thought he was, not the weasel.
It hurts I'm sure and if only we could make it right for you we would. You will get through this and it will be ok. It does take time but you will get there. Do some nice things for you and the dc, take it easy. Sending a hug.

TheShellBeach · 10/07/2024 12:22

You're not a loser!

Redflagsabounded · 10/07/2024 12:39

You were not stupid, you trusted him because your own good moral compass doesn't let you even imagine doing this to someone. His behaviour and any embarrassment or shame belong entirely to him.

Tell people. Hold your head up. You did nothing wrong. You and his wife are both victims of a clever, manipulative, devious man. At least you aren't the one stuck with him and still living in ignorance.

I get still loving a complete shit of a man. My ex cheated on me and it took a while for my heart to catch up with my head. Give yourself time, and be kind to yourself.

Redflagsabounded · 10/07/2024 12:41

I missed cowardly - he knows you've rumbled him and has run away.

When the dust settles a bit you might want to consider counselling to explore why you missed or ignored the red flags.

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 10/07/2024 17:52

I missed/ignored red flags because I'm lonely and wanted to have a partner. I don't get out much, I just basically go to work and look after DC, that's just reality. I'll be ok and I know at some point I'll be glad that I know the truth and glad I didn't let it go on, I'm just not there yet

OP posts:
Catoo · 10/07/2024 19:02

Sending hugs 🤗 OP

It’s shit I know. It will get slightly less shit each week.

And on the upside - you learned that you need to do more for yourself in terms of going out and socialising. Have you made any small steps?

Also you don’t have to tell anyone why you and that twat split up. You can just say ‘we broke up as we hardly had time to see each other and it wasn’t working anymore’. Beware the friends who start trying to set you up with all sorts of single oddballs once they know though!

💐

TheShellBeach · 10/07/2024 19:05

You can always tell people he was rubbish in bed. 😂

Seriously though, you're well rid. And I understand how awful you're feeling.

Things will improve. You never know what's around the corner.

dontbeabsurd · 10/07/2024 20:20

It’s undoubtedly hard when you see others moving forward in life, in relationships, building a future with someone. But what I’ve learnt is that time has a different trajectory for different people. Maybe now, just for now, for you, it’s a challenging moment in life. But who knows where you’ll be in 6 months? A year? 2 years from now? And who knows where others will be? Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your worth is not defined by being in a happy relationship in July 2024. You may feel alone now but this difficult moment in time will pass.

As for the conman himself - what a sad loser.

Thelifeofawife · 10/07/2024 22:28

dontbeabsurd · 10/07/2024 20:20

It’s undoubtedly hard when you see others moving forward in life, in relationships, building a future with someone. But what I’ve learnt is that time has a different trajectory for different people. Maybe now, just for now, for you, it’s a challenging moment in life. But who knows where you’ll be in 6 months? A year? 2 years from now? And who knows where others will be? Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your worth is not defined by being in a happy relationship in July 2024. You may feel alone now but this difficult moment in time will pass.

As for the conman himself - what a sad loser.

This is lovely. And so true OP.

You will meet someone else in time, who wants you and only you, and doesn’t keep you a secret; someone who truly deserves you 💐

Secondstart1001 · 10/07/2024 22:50

Sending hugs… hard to get over a breakup let alone his huge deception. You will find someone genuine that wants to be with you. It might not feel that way right now but many woman with kids ft end up with a good man. Op you sound strong and have self respect, by the way you ended it with him. You are rightly down right now but you will be ok x

alrightluv · 11/07/2024 09:02

@dontbeabsurd very wise words.