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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wearing his wedding ring

282 replies

Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 10:32

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 04/08/2024 16:12

“I wanted him to be sorry, I wanted him to try to explain or try to talk me round, I know that's just hurting myself but I did. I wanted him to want to even though I would say no”

@Confusedcrush I think this is the most painful part as you haven’t got closure. And he has the arrogant not to acknowledge the impact of the deceit on you. The fact dc miss him shows he was an integral part of your family unit because you trusted him and he’s trampled not only on your heart but your children’s too.

Confusedcrush · 04/08/2024 21:13

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 04/08/2024 14:56

What a horrible situation, OP. Is he going with his wife to New Zealand? I’d be sorely tempted to contact her as she doesn’t deserve to have her life wasted, as well as yours.

I know it doesn’t seem it now, but you will be happy again, and the start of that is being kind to yourself and protecting yourself from further harm from him. Start backing yourself and telling yourself you’re worth more than this.

Is Dad in the picture and if so, does he have the DC at any point? I’d recommend MeetUp, which is a great way of spending time with people without it being about dating. Go for walks, make something just find something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about him.

it really helped me when I was getting over my ex, who was also living a double life

xx

I don't know if he's going to New Zealand with his wife or what, he didn't tell me he told DC while they were out and they told me after. He's got family there.

DCs dad hasn't seen them in years, it's just me. My mum will have them but they don't like it there so I don't leave them there much, plus in school holidays she has them in the day when I'm at work a lot so I wouldn't ask for more.

I'm sorry you have been through this too, it's unbelievable to me that someone can be so selfish and such a liar, but here we are.

OP posts:
Confusedcrush · 04/08/2024 21:18

Secondstart1001 · 04/08/2024 16:12

“I wanted him to be sorry, I wanted him to try to explain or try to talk me round, I know that's just hurting myself but I did. I wanted him to want to even though I would say no”

@Confusedcrush I think this is the most painful part as you haven’t got closure. And he has the arrogant not to acknowledge the impact of the deceit on you. The fact dc miss him shows he was an integral part of your family unit because you trusted him and he’s trampled not only on your heart but your children’s too.

I opened the door and I was thrown because he was early and he's always late, and just smiled at me and said 'hello you'' like he does and hugged me and I just stood there and said nothing as DC were there. I hate that he acted like he can just do that like nothing is wrong.

DC putting that picture of them together as the phone lock screen stabbed me in the heart, I hate that he's taken them in and that I let him into our lives and now they're going to be hurt 😢

OP posts:
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 04/08/2024 21:24

It sounds so tough for you at the moment - but it will get better, I promise.

Mine was living with his wife despite telling me they had separated and she had met someone else. Even showed me the divorce petition (which he had made himself from a template on the internet)

I thought I’d never get over it, would never stop crying and never be happy. But I did, and I am.

It took a solid 18 months, constantly going over in my head why he did it, why me. But you know what, who cares why. I have my own life to live.

He contacted me through a friend over 2 years later. I wasn’t in the slightest bit interested in hearing why he did what he did. I didn’t care.

And neither will you, in time. You will be almost grateful for the lessons you have learnt, once you see yourself get over something like this, you realise how strong you are and that you won’t stand for anything other than total respect and decency from here on in.

Be kind to yourself, you took the leap and it didn’t work out. But you survived before him, and you’ll survive after. What really helped me was thinking back to a time when I was younger that I had a problem and thought it was insurmountable - and then realising I had got over that and how insignificant it now is.

The sun will rise again, and with it, you will grow stronger, move forward and find happiness, be that alone or with a new partner. You just have to hang on in there - he is a shit person but that’s on him - you are not.

mommatoone · 04/08/2024 21:51

Time to get angry OP and see this guy for what he really is. How dare he walk in your house like nothing has happened, acting like Billy Big Balls in front of your kids. He sure is cock sure of himself and he doesn't deserve you or your children. Block him and move on. I know it's not easy but he is taking the piss.

Confusedcrush · 04/08/2024 21:58

I honestly don't know how the men who do this can live with themselves. The women on here have been so lovely and kind and supportive to me, we're all decent good people and these fucking bastards aren't worth even half of us.

I keep telling myself I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was. He's not that man, he's a lying coward, I want him to be that man but he's not because a decent man wouldn't do this to me or my children.

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 07/08/2024 18:39

OP, I promise that in12 months time (and quite possibly a lot sooner) you will feel sooooooo much better than you do today.

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