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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wearing his wedding ring

282 replies

Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 10:32

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Bettyscakes · 30/06/2024 11:27

Have you seen him at weekends, gone away on holiday?

HeadRush24 · 30/06/2024 11:28

Oh dear. The fact you say ‘I think’ he and his wife live separately says it all. With the other details you provide, he is married and obviously living with his wife as a couple.

You must ask him though and see what he says.

Opentooffers · 30/06/2024 11:29

DOH!

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:30

Yes we've been away together - always short breaks as he's a workaholic and I have school aged DC. My DC love him, my parents, friends. I thought we were in a relationship, having DC full time it's hard for me to do couple stuff and him being busy too worked in that way. Oh god I'm an idiots, I'm so angry with myself.

OP posts:
magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 11:30

Well that's over then.

Next time I'd be more cautious about introducing your DC to someone. You haven't met anyone from his life and he hasn't them about you so I don't know why you've thought it was a committed relationship if I'm honest.

viques · 30/06/2024 11:32

Three years, you have young kids. Where did he spend Christmas? Or did his adult children need their daddy to play Santa?

TheCultureHusks · 30/06/2024 11:36

It’s either dump/ghost or ultimatum time.

Ultimatum time wouldn’t be asking him why he’s wearing a wedding ring, because this is territory where his word now counts for nothing without verification.

His choice would be to now prove to you that he is what he claims to be - take you to his house and introduce you to at least one of his children and/or tell his ‘ex’ that he’s seeing someone - or to admit that you are an affair, in which case you will be letting his family know what’s been happening. No, there isn’t an option where he gets to shrug and say sorry, I fucked you over, and then return to his happy fake life with his wife none the wiser.

TheCultureHusks · 30/06/2024 11:37

I’d make sure I grab as much detail from his FB etc before you do anything and he blocks you on everything- just so you have the option!

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:37

He's never been here for Xmas, he's not got his feel that far under the table, xmas is for me and DC. We went away for his birthday this year.

Thank you for the support, I'm here alone with my DC and trying to hold it together with no one I can talk to in real life.

I know I've been stupid but I'm no catch, with DC full time and not much me time I was so happy to have someone, and someone who was ok with that reality and still wanted to be with me. Oh god.

OP posts:
Thetraitor · 30/06/2024 11:39

Sounds mad but are you sure it was his birthday? - have you ever seen Id with his DOB on?

sounds very much like he has lied a lot; is still married and has been leading a double life

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:42

It sounds stupid but I thought he was too disorganised to lie consistently - he's got ADHD. And he's not secretive with his stuff, willingly gave DC his phone password to play a game on his phone, will offer me his car keys to collect DC without him.

Maybe he's just a really good liar.

OP posts:
Olika · 30/06/2024 11:44

So where does he live when he is working away (nearby you)?

mitogoshi · 30/06/2024 11:44

Talk to him, the fact he sent you the picture makes me think he isn't hiding anything, could obviously be wrong and he forgot about it when he sent it to you but there's other potential explanations including that elderly relatives haven't been told.

Bettyscakes · 30/06/2024 11:44

He likely has two phones.

BlastedPimples · 30/06/2024 11:46

Never go near a married person, separated or not.

There is still so much shit to wade through.

You were daft to get involved.

He's still very much married and pretending that to the wider family.

BlastedPimples · 30/06/2024 11:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BlastedPimples · 30/06/2024 11:49

@Confusedcrush you are a catch. Do not fall into that self deprecating crap here. He is at fault mostly.

You sound like a genuine, lovely, loving woman. And a super parent who has made sure her dcs are prioritised.

Just avoid all married men even if separated in future.

Original poster
Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:50

I've got to ferry DC around for a bit and put my mum head on and try to hold it together.

Thank you for your support, I mean that even those telling me I've been stupid I know I have. I've got no one I can talk to as DC are around, thank you for listening to me Flowers

OP posts:
FuzzyStripes · 30/06/2024 11:50

Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:42

It sounds stupid but I thought he was too disorganised to lie consistently - he's got ADHD. And he's not secretive with his stuff, willingly gave DC his phone password to play a game on his phone, will offer me his car keys to collect DC without him.

Maybe he's just a really good liar.

He probably has more than one phone. I have a work phone I use for plenty of personal reasons as well as my personal phone.

Given his family live on the other side of the country, access to his car probably wasn’t risky.

ADHD doesn’t seem to have stopped him having a decent job so why do you think it would get in the way of him having an affair?

FuzzyStripes · 30/06/2024 11:52

Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:50

I've got to ferry DC around for a bit and put my mum head on and try to hold it together.

Thank you for your support, I mean that even those telling me I've been stupid I know I have. I've got no one I can talk to as DC are around, thank you for listening to me Flowers

I don’t think you’ve been stupid at all. You’ve taken someone at face value and expected them to be genuine, because that’s what most people do.

Don’t listen to your inner voice saying you aren’t a catch either.

Catoo · 30/06/2024 11:53

One of the biggest red flags, among the festival of flags, is the ‘mental ex’ and making out he’s the good guy still paying the mortgage even though his DC are grown up.

Sorry OP. Pretty obvious to me that he’s still married and living with his wife.

Personally I would ghost. I would gradually introduce DC to the idea you are moving on. He will realise his mistake once you have stopped communicating and he looks over his last messages to you. And will probably send some excuses. I’d block but that’s me. I won’t let them see me hurt or get any satisfaction from spinning a load of confusing bullshitting nonsense.

💐

viques · 30/06/2024 11:53

Confusedcrush · 30/06/2024 11:37

He's never been here for Xmas, he's not got his feel that far under the table, xmas is for me and DC. We went away for his birthday this year.

Thank you for the support, I'm here alone with my DC and trying to hold it together with no one I can talk to in real life.

I know I've been stupid but I'm no catch, with DC full time and not much me time I was so happy to have someone, and someone who was ok with that reality and still wanted to be with me. Oh god.

So he spends Christmas on his own does he? An M and S Christmas dinner for one and binging Die Hard movies?

I doubt it, I think he spends it with his family! Does he call for a long unrushed chat on Christmas Day, buy your kids presents?

You might not be a *catch but you still have a lot to offer:

you don’t put pressure him to meet his family, or go on long holidays

you probably don’t ask him for much, if any, money

you live a long way from his home but are handy for his work

you are grateful for little crumbs of his time so he doesn’t have to expend too much emotional energy on you

you are honest so tend to believe that other people are honest too, so he can spin stories and you accept them

he likes having sex with you

As mistresses go you fit the bill perfectly.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I saw a family member go through a very similar ‘relationship’, and the above all applied to her.

TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking · 30/06/2024 11:55

Maybe he's just a really good liar

It wasn't until I was separated from my husband of 30 years that I realised just how much he had lied over those years and how good he was at it. They can be so believable, seem so genuine.

I'm sorry @Confusedcrush , you've learned a hard lesson with this one Flowers

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 12:01

FuzzyStripes · 30/06/2024 11:52

I don’t think you’ve been stupid at all. You’ve taken someone at face value and expected them to be genuine, because that’s what most people do.

Don’t listen to your inner voice saying you aren’t a catch either.

Show quote history

I think she was silly to have introduced him to her child. But it's not her fault she trusted him. Men like this choose their targets.

perfectcolourfound · 30/06/2024 12:02

You haven't been stupid. Perhaps you've been naive. You took what someone said at face value. Because you're a decent person who wouldn't lie, you assumed he was the same.

The signs are that he is still very married. Anything he's said about his marriage (they don't live together / they aren't happy / they are separated) could be a lie. The fact you've been kept a secret / have never been to his house / he had his wedding ring on in the photo / he's regularly late home from work - all suggest that he's still married and you're a handy gf when he's out of town working.

This is all on him.