Wearing his wedding ring

[Confusedcrush]

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

@Catoo As I said, we’ll have to agree to disagree.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 3 years and I've never been in his house. He's separated not divorced and spends most of his money on paying the mortgages for his kids and rent, so never had enough to do it up (he says he's embarrassed about the state of it).

I have however, been to his mums house and met his parents and children.

Just coming back to say thank you again for the support. I was a bit wobbly most of the day but weirdly feel calmer this evening. I haven't told DC yet and there's no real hurry, they wouldn't expect to see him as he'd be here when they were in bed mostly. I haven't told anyone yet. So I can do it in my own time calmly hopefully.

Thank you lovely MN posters who shook some sense and some backbone into me which I needed, you're amazing xx

We didn't shake sense into you! You did that yourself and we confirmed your concerns.

And you are handling this with style and not bringing your DCs into this unnecessarily.

Keep it up 💐

Give yourself some time to process it before you tell anyone else. It's a big shock.

You went too far.

i know this is a few days on, but how are you?

How are you, OP?

Well done ending it. Has he tried to message you again? Or is he blocked?

Hi I'm okay thanks, I'm trying to keep really busy and distracted. I haven't told anyone yet, that'll wobble me I know. I'm so sad about it but I keep trying to tell myself the person I'm grieving isn't real, that's who I thought he was not who he is. I still partly believe or want to believe it's all a mistake, but I know it's not.

He hasn't messaged or phoned or turned up. A bit of me expects/hopes but when he doesn't it helps me know who he really is. I haven't blocked him because my oldest has a phone and I wouldn't want him to try that if I blocked him.

I keep looking at the picture and it makes me so sad but I also try to tell myself he's wearing the worst tie in the world, it looks like your grandma's carpet. And his DDs wearing heels so he's the shortest person in the photos, he'll really hate that. Petty but it helps.

Thank for checking on me

This is heartbreaking to read.. you are so strong to do the right thing.

(flowers)

@Confusedcrush I haved dm you

Head up and look after yourself OP. He's an arse and there is no changing that. You deserve much better than crumbs from the table. It's taken a while, but you now see him for who he really is.

Your DC love you unconditionally and you them. Take your time, and look after yourself and the DC. Have a chat with them but don't let them see you upset,
Don't feel a fool, it's a tale old as time and good people fall for the stories from plausible tongues.

There is always someone here to support and hand hold and sometimes give you a bit of a shake when needed. You will get through this.

I think he did it so you would see the photo

I wondered that. And it’s hardly like he’s making a big effort to retrieve the situation

I would have expected him to contact you to explain if like you say it was a ‘mistake’ or a misunderstanding. It sounds like you found out the truth about his situation. How long would it have gone on for if you hadn’t?

It occurred to me yes. I don't know if deliberate is better or worse. He's disorganised enough not to have meant to do it, or arrogant enough to do it on purpose. I can't make sense of him and I'm trying not to give him the headspace to think about why. I don't want to give him more of my energy.

I don’t think he’s that disorganised to have pulled this off for 3 years. Possibly it was deliberate explaining his lack of surprise and effort. Very cowardly. You’re right not to waste energy on him.

Onwards and upwards OP. I hope you planned at least one nice treat this weekend
💐

Agreed. Time to move on for your kids sake !

You need to block his number if it is on your child's phone.
Think about blocking him yourself too.
Tear the plaster off, rather than giving him further chances. It won't get better, I'm sorry.
If you are able, sooner, rather than later is better in the long term.

I'd add on 3) don't introduce someone to your children till you're clear where the relationship is going and that they're with you for the long haul

Poor Op, I've felt similar, you so want them to be telling the truth you ignore the red flags....

His ADHD means he's disorganised, he loses stuff, he's always late, he over commits himself, he's also a massive risk taker too. I really thought he couldn't be organised enough to keep up a lie for so long. But he is organised enough to be self employed and earn well so I don't know. I don't know what's true in any of it anymore.

I want to tell DC before I block him I think. I'm not not blocking him because I'm going to go back, there's no going back now. As much as a bit of me would want to, I won't, I couldn't look my DC in the face if I did that.

Thanks for being here x

Hey lovely, I've been away with work for a few days, so just catching up on things now. So sorry how this has all ended for you, but you're being amazing about it all, your priorities are in the right place and you are being so strong. I feel awful for you as you don't deserve any of this, but you are walking away with dignity and can hold your head up high, which is more than he can say. Only you know how to break the news to your kids and what you want to tell them, either way, you are protecting them from a future let-down of a partner. Keep going, there will be much brighter times for you on the other side of this.

look, these men/women, CHOOSE their victims carefully. how else who he have gotten away with it for 3 full years?

your circumstances with dc full time sealed it for him. you must now feel unattractive etc etc as clearly it was your perfect circumstances that chose you for him. get therapy to get over this.

So sorry you are going through this. I have two (!!!) friends who recently had this experience - there is a lot of it about… One of the men was a university lecturer on the South Coast.