Wearing his wedding ring

[Confusedcrush]

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

I think this is dragging on a bit now with texts and trying to decipher what everything he says by text means. Why don't you just pick up the phone and speak to him? You'd be able to find out much quicker what exactly is going on and better placed to gauge if he's lying to you than over text. Get all your questions answered and then decide what to do as efficiently as possible. Don't hurt yourself unnecessarily by dragging this out longer than you have to. You're worth so much more.

Yes ring. See if he answers straight away. Or is shifty if he does. He won't answer though.

You THINK they live separately??

Long distance 'relationships' where there is a distance of hundreds of miles gives men a leeway to do what they like in the time away.

I too had a 'relationship' with someone like this...his ex {Not wife } also had severe mental health problems-

Anyway...I called it a day.

It was really painful.

But so glad I did end it, he wasn't who I initially thought he was.

He called several times, but I said 'no''

He's not alive any more..I googled his name and saw the obit. {Illness}

OP if you’re still wavering you need to insist on going to his house.

Not in an ultimatum way as he could arrange for you to visit while his wife is out and you’d be none the wiser - although he would have to remove all of her personal items beforehand if they are still living together. If you have his address you could drop round. If you don’t want to be as confrontational say yes to the take away and you’ll have it round his place and see how he reacts. Say you feel bad/ it’s ridiculous you haven’t visited during the 3 years you’ve been together etc.

At least then you’ll know.

His ‘circumstances’ could be a wife he’s trying to protect/ keep in the dark in his own interest or family dynamics on his DC’s wedding day. Him sending that photo was either monumentally careless or his way of letting you know the situation so you take control in ending things or accept it.

Asking to visit his house is a step towards knowing the actual truth and not just what he can concoct the next time you see him.

Sorry this is happening to you 💐

You've handled this so well! Keep strong and hold your head up high. It's ok to be alone for a while. Someone worth while will come along. You're a great example to your kids that you don't condone this type of behaviour from anyone and will not allow any one to treat you badly!!

I take from his messages that he does still live with his wife. If you want to be sure, ask him directly. I assume you will be ending it so no need to know the details or ask him why.

It sounds like he has it all set up, takeaways, sex and somewhere to stay when he works away, back to the family for the rest of it including Christmas and family get togethers. You say he is a workaholic. When does he have time to do that with his double life?

I'm so sorry for you but well done for not taking his bullshit

You won't be on your own forever don't worry about that. I was a single mum with small kids and I'm happily remarried to a lovely man.

Today take some time to process and have a good cry, then onwards and upwards.

You've done well getting through this

Sorry this has happened OP. Well done for not agreeing to the low effort takeaway - I’d say this is his way of controlling the narrative, damage limitation to ensure you don’t blow this up with his family.

What a horrible man xx

That’s awful. What a cowardly way to handle this. He should at least have had the decency to be straight with you once you raised it.

Honestly OP, if he’s not denying it then you know he’s still with his wife. But if you want to have that conversation then ask to meet him, away from your home (say you don’t want him around the kids while things are in doubt) and directly ask if he’s still in a relationship/living with his wife. If he says no then say that surely he can understand why you’ve questioned it given the situation, ask why he was wearing his ring, and insist you meet at least one of his children in the coming weeks; if he’s genuine he will have no issue with any of this.

If it turns out he’s still with his wife you need to tell her. It’s not about being spiteful, but about giving that poor woman a chance to decide if this is the kind of man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Quick message as I'm at work - I won't be interacting with him about this any more. I have no way of telling his wife, I can't find any SM for her and obviously don't have a number or anything. I don't know if I would contact her but I can't anyway. Telling my DC will be the next job.

oakleaffy I'm sorry that happened to you too, I hope you are ok. I can see me finding his obituary one day too (he's quite a bit older than me).

Thank you so much for being here for me. I will be licking my wounds for a while xxx

He's a cunt and you're well rid of him, @Confusedcrush

But I understand how distressed you are about it all. That's natural.

Choose which emoji fits best.

You are his side piece.

What a horrible discovery.

'I know I've been stupid but I'm no catch, with DC full time and not much me time I was so happy to have someone, and someone who was ok with that reality and still wanted to be with me. Oh god.'

You lead a quiet and unobtrusive life. Pleasant and calm by the sounds of it.

Ideal affair material, so yes you are a catch to him.

You have a child so that's even better for him not to be fully in your life and get away with it.

Well done OP.
I agree NC is the way forward now. No further clarification is required and he doesn’t get to see or hear you be upset.

He will only keep things civil as he’ll be worried you’ll contact his wife. I agree with your instinct to stay away from trying to do that. She won’t leave him, he’s a good conman clearly, and will tell her you are crazy - all the things he told you she was probably.

You deserve so much more.
DC will be fine, they have a strong mum.

💐

I’d shit him up by just sending a brief message:

’Got a contact at last. I guess I can now corroborate or at least get a full
picture of what your ‘circumstances’ actually are from the horse’s mouth. Apologies in advance if it creates problems for you, but I do trust that you’ve been honest about the basics of separation at least so I’m sure this won’t come as a real shock to (wife).’

You’ll really get a text message or two then, possibly with a LOT of panicked information.

I’m so sorry for you.
I was with someone like this for a very long time.

And I can assure you if he is the same kind of man he will be able to lie on the phone, or to your face just as well as by text.

Mine was an absolute expert at it, months later I’m still finding out yet more lies.

I wish you the strength to be able to end it, with your head high (it was not your fault!). Just cut him off and leave him to carry on his shitty life of lies.

Nah. That's giving him way too much energy.

Oh OP, that’s awful - so sorry you’re going through this ☹️

I do think he owes you an explanation and fulsome apology - not over a fucking takeaway though - and then I’d have great pleasure in telling him exactly what I thought of him before putting him out of my life for good. Prick.

These conmen don’t care what the people they hurt think of them. Nothing you can say will hurt them. They know it’s just the hurt/anger talking. It’s water off a duck’s back and they enjoy the drama of being a bad boy. Ignoring them and ghosting them is the only thing that hurts their ego. And luckily it is the best thing for us when trying to move on.

Don’t do this OP.

@Confusedcrush he sounds so patronising. What an arse

That’s what I would do - his caring would be irrelevant to me. Ignoring them gives them the easy way out. We’ll have to agree to disagree here.

How does ranting at them give them a less easy way out? They don’t have to do anything either way. Plus they get to call you a crazy bunny boiler. Plus they probably get to block and ghost you first.
Plus they know you care. It gives them power. I prefer to take the power back.

@Confusedcrush you are so strong and so dignified in all this. He’s a nasty piece of work and not giving him any more of your time is the right response to help you heal.

Sending you hugs and wine ❤️