Wearing his wedding ring

[Confusedcrush]

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

I would also do want @Moveoverdarlin says. You will know if you say you are going to his. He should be pleased that you are coming. Even if the adult children aren't available then he would still want you to come and see where he lives etc.

Exactly this.

I need to message him, I feel like it's hanging over me til I do. A bit of me is still hoping it's all a mistake but I know it's not. I don't know what to say, I want to be dignified but don't feel dignified. I keep telling DC my hay fever is really bad because I keep tearing up.

Thank you everyone I can't ring anyone and talk and all my friends are married anyway and I feel pathetic. Thanks for listening.

Why do you feel the need to message him OP? What do you want him to know that complete silence won’t tell him?

He already knows. He will laugh at any attempts to ‘trip him up’ as others are suggesting.

Nothing good will come from confronting him. I worry he will say spiteful things or try to gaslight you further.

Consider no contact and block.You can always change your mind if you can’t manage it.

💐

You are t pathetic or stupid. If you met him through work is he friendly with colleagues that might know his situation?

I think he is likely still married. I met someone on a dating site that had a similar story - paying all the bills etc - although he had a bedsit which I stayed at. He used to wear his wedding ring on his right hand and said it was his late dad's ring so he wanted to carry on wearing it.

One evening he came round after apparently being at the family home fixing the boiler and the ring was on his left hand. I then realised in some photos he'd sent me on Xmas day (with his children because they were being amicable...) it was on his left hand then too. Clearly still married. Even though he was living in a bedsit.

Maybe you should consider ringing him rather than messaging him, that way he will have to talk and explain it in real time rather than having time to put together a response in text.

I think I would ring him too, gives him less chance to formulate excuses.

Yes, send a text saying "kids are in bed at last, time for a chat x" so he's off guard.

I was dating someone with a similar story (wife suicidal/was in the process of separation but separate rooms etc etc) The absences/lack of contact was always really well explained so I didn’t suspect.

One day, on FaceTime, I saw a flash of metal on his ring finger. I immediately asked what it was and the usual cool calm and collected exterior went to jelly. He lied and lied starting with the ring was for his dads benefit as he didn’t know they were separated and he had just been FaceTiming him - then moved on to he had just found it and wanted to brighten the day.

What worked to get to the truth, was calmly say that I wasn’t angry but we are both adults and I just need to know the truth. I reassured that I wouldn’t make any issues but deserved the truth if nothing else.

The actual truth was so much worse than I could ever have imagined, and it taught me more about what people are capable of, than anything up until then.

The complexity of the lie, the pre empting of things sometimes months in advance was simply breathtaking.

Id stay calm OP and ask for the truth now, as there’s clearly something not right, and then bow out with dignity and self respect.

I never did contact to his wife - I told him I would, so he did it himself. She contacted me, everything was blamed on me, but unsurprisingly, she was not suicidal/mentally unwell or any of the other descriptors he had used.

I feel for you OP, I’m still not over this deception, years later - he’s tried to contact me a few times ‘to say sorry’ needless to say I’ve ignored.

Good luck xx

I can't ring, I'll just cry. I feel like if I do nothing a bit of me will still be waiting for him to come good. I will think a bit.

I get it, once you know it’s true, it ends what you have and all the hopes you had with that.

But, if it’s all a lie, you’re being deceived and it was one sided anyway.

Looking at your posts, everything added together can only point to one thing - he is living a double life.

You’re worth more than this OP

Fair enough ❤️

If his dw does have mh issues his cheating may explain why. But I doubt she has at all. All part of his lies.. Shame you haven't got plans to meet up. The hot weather will likely have left a white band on his ring finger.. Wonder how he would explain that..

@Confusedcrush, this experienced shark will gaslight the hell out of you if you give him the chance. Don’t. He probably suspects you’re on to him and is already plotting the next installment of his fake story.

He has also conned your DC, which is unforgivable.

Having a ‘discussion’ would be a big mistake. He has no conscience and will go all out to manipulate you. Be definitive and end this farce.

I think you might be the other woman. I’m really sorry.

Some married couples live apart and tolerate other relationships as long as they don’t encroach on family life. Look at Michael Gambon - 15 years that went on for.

So he's your partner of 3 years and you haven't spoken to him for almost 12 hours, don't you normally check in with each other throughout the day?

That would be incredibly self-serving and cruel.

Op it’s not your fault. You were busy and lied to, you expected him to be decent and he is just a liar.

it’s not you, it’s him. 100%. Be kind to yourself. Nice do not behave this way. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to be angry, he is a con artist. But don’t be cross with yourself.

xxxxxxxx

@Confusedcrush I’d be tempted to send him the photo with the wedding ring and follow up with a message along the lines of “It’s clear you’ve been lying to me and there’s nothing more to be said. I’ll explain to DC that the summer plans are changing. I’m not going to be part of your deception and deserve someone who will love me, be honest and share a life with me. Goodbye, Confusedcrush”.

Be factual, tie up any loose ends, don’t give him room to gaslight you and don’t be emotional.

You are sounding so strong - you can get through this and you really do deserve a good man who will love you and want you in every part of his life.

It is NOT your fault!!! Don't feel stupid, please. This awful man took advantage of your situation as a single mum. Of course you trusted him, what he's done is monstrous.

Sending you hugs and courage OP

I agree and you do sound strong OP because you are - something much better is waiting around the corner for you, I’m just sorry that you have to go through this painful period first. You’re being amazing in how you are dealing with this.

Dear OP - I’ll second the others and say please don’t be hard on yourself. Good, trustworthy people want to see good in others and want to trust others. Sadly, there are people who live sad lives and who think nothing of manipulating and using others.
Even if he is indeed separated and the ring was ‘just’ for show - you and your children deserve so much better.
Let this one go. With time, you’ll get over it and you’ll see it as a lucky escape. Sadly, he won’t be able to escape from himself.

I'm just sitting here typing and then not sending messages and crying. I will send one, god this is shit.

If you look at OP's previous threads there is an inappropriate relationship that she had with a specialist physio for her special needs child approx 3 to 4 years ago, I would presume this is the guy she is talking about.

She should report to the NHS for gross misconduct and ask Mumsnet to delete this thread, this is not a topic of entertainment.

Don’t be hard on yourself, we’re here (well I am until about midnight). It is shit and it is unfair, and it’s not your fault. Send a message tonight if you feel you can, if you feel you can’t then that is fine too. Do what you feel you can.