Wearing his wedding ring

[Confusedcrush]

In the photos from his DCs wedding.

I've been seeing a man for 3 years, he's separated not divorced. He knows my family etc but won't introduce me to his - his ex wife has entrenched MH problems, his adult DC still lean on him to help deal with her when she's unwell. He still pays her mortgage etc.

His DC got married last weekend. He messaged me this morning, a nice normal message, and he's changed his profile pic to a pic from the wedding. He's wearing his wedding ring.

I feel sick. And stupid. Fuck sake. I don't know what I want from this thread but I'm gutted.

I’m not saying I do, I’m saying I wouldn’t risk someone else’s mental health for the sake of jumping to conclusions or creating extra drama. As I say, she could be a victim too, so maybe think about that before piling crap on her? It’s called not being an arsehole.

She could have MH issues. But I think that is a ruse by dh to keep it all under wraps. Even if she has MH issues, her knowing is absolutely her right.

I'm sorry this has happened to you - be kind to yourself - you had ever reason to believe him and we need to believe those we love to build relationships.

My aunt had an affair with a married man with kids for 30 plus years - he would stay with her during the week near where he worked and on weekends he would be with his family.

I’m not saying it isn’t and I have never said it isn’t. What I said was it would be inadvisable to involve her without knowing the facts. You can think it is whatever it is, doesn’t mean you or I are right. But what is right is ascertaining if she is genuinely unwell before considering talking to her. I’ve said the same thing three times now.

I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like he's leading a double life.

I doubt he is separated and I doubt "the mentally ill ex wife" sounds like he's spun a Web of lies.

I know I've been stupid but I'm no catch, with DC full time and not much me time I was so happy to have someone, and someone who was ok with that reality and still wanted to be with me. Oh god.

OP this made me so sad for you.

Never think of yourself as "not a good catch"
You shouldn't put yourself down like this.

This. I’m so sorry op. What a rat he is.

You are not stupid. He is disgusting.

I’d find out where he lives and tell his wife. Fucking bastard deserves exposing.

Yes- it definitely sounds like you’re an unwitting other woman. But even IF they are separated he is not available anyway.
3 years and him close to your children but you’ve never met a single person on his side is just weird. 3 years… you say it was his DC’s wedding, so they are an adult. An adult perfectly capable of understanding and accepting that their parents are divorced and seeing other people. There is simply no good reason to be keeping you separate and absolutely no good reason for the wedding ring.

I do hope the fact I actually do have a history of mental health struggles doesn’t mean my husband can fuck whomever he likes and no one will ever tell me ‘because I have mental health issues’ and might freak out.

@Confusedcrush - you aren’t stupid or not a catch, you just landed yourself with an arch manipulator and liar. There are many of them out there. Two of my very intelligent and very eligible friends ended up being the unwitting OW - I think it happens more than people realise.

@Confusedcrush, I’m really sorry for your heartbreak. Please understand that he is the lousy catch here. He’s a self-serving, morally bankrupt con. Don’t give him an opportunity to spin more of his elaborate lies.

Did he say why the wife suddenly walked out on her kids on Xmas Day?

Maybe she'd just found out about another affair he had.

I would track her down and turn up on the doorstep.

I've been poking around SM while youngest is in the bath, not found very much. 2 adults DC not very active, neither has any photos with him only one with their DM. I can't find any SM for his DW, it doesn't help the surname is common. His business is registered at his address that I know.

He did ask me to go away skiing with him and his friends once - I couldn't go of course because of DC. Obviously he knew I wouldn't be able to.

I will message him when DC settled. I'm thinking to say I'm better than being his bit on the side. I know he'll deny it.

I am so gutted. This morning I was happy with what we had, now I have to make sense that who I thought he was doesn't exist, and all that time he was lying and using me. I feel stupid and hopeless and I'm grateful for everyone who's commented. I will pick myself up but today I'm a bit broken.

We’re here for you xxx

None of this is your fault, you are not stupid, he is just a selfish prick if evidence is to be believed. Twice in my life I have had the ‘rug pulled out from beneath me’ for different reasons and I remember only too well the shock, the disbelief and the hurt. But you will get through it, keep talking, keep believing that there is better out there for you.

I'm so sorry, OP.
You're obviously very upset.

Don’t describe yourself as a ‘bit on the side’. He won’t care. He won’t get upset. There is absolutely no need to message him at all since he will know that somehow you have worked it out.

He’s known for 3 years that you might find out one day so he won’t be completely surprised. He might even gaslight you by saying ‘You surely must have known. Why did you think you never met my family?’ Etc.

You are not going to make a man who is capable of this level of deception feel bad no matter what you say.

Keep your dignity if you must text him.
💐

You’re not stupid or hopeless. At all. He’s just a really good con artist.

He’s not a workaholic, he’s leading a double life.

Don’t go mad, don’t scream just calmly ask ‘Why were you wearing your wedding ring at the wedding? He’ll no doubt blame it on his nutcase wife not wanting to tell great aunty Jean that they’ve split up and will say he was trying to put on a united front for the DC. Then say ‘I want to meet your children, it’s been 3 years, I’ve got childcare, let’s go up to your house next weekend. I want to see your house’. See what he says. You know the rest, he’ll discourage this, because he’s a married man, and then you need to dump him.

Never progress in a serious relationship while a man is ‘seperated’ it means nothing, he’s married. Always see where they live, I can’t imagine going out with someone for 3 months and not seeing their home, let alone 3 years.

Screenshot the fb picture because he'll say it wasn't there and delete it.
I would never trust a chap who introduced me to no one in his circle.
I don't know how these men have the energy!
There is nothing wrong with you. He's the shit. You are worth more.

And you're a good, kind person, who never realised what a bastard he was to you.

Check your blocked list, make sure he hasn't sneakily blocked the wife whilst your not looking

That or he may have done that on hers

I agree with @Moveoverdarlin and ask to meet them and go to his house.

I’m old enough to be your mother. So, stop saying you’re stupid. You sound far from that. I don’t see any reasonable explanation for him wearing his ring after being with you for 3 years. You are not stupid. How could you have known. We usually believe people that we see no cause to doubt.

your children will be more relilient than you think and deserve to be told the simple truth as soon as possible. You can make it up to them during the summer. They are more accepting of life than we are because they are young.
my heart goes out to you. Your post touched me deeply for some reason. Hugs to you. Major hugs.