What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

If you stay with him and miss your shot, you'll resent him forever.

Can you afford a sperm donor and to go it alone? Obviously with PCOS you don't even know right now where your fertility stands so I would be tracking ovulation to ensure you're ovulating before making lifelong decisions.

You need to leave him. You have more chance having a child with someone else even though you haven't met them yet. Sorry, this is hard.

If having a baby is really important to you, then you need to leave the relationship. A few years is nothing to a man, but those few years will take you up to your late 30s when you may well struggle to conceive naturally.

On the egg freezing, I would do this anyway as you’re at a good age to do it and it will give you more options further down the line.

I feel for you, my DH took a long time until he was ready for kids and I had them both in my 40s. I really would've loved to have had them 10 years earlier. TTC alone could take a year as well as the PCOS potentially being an issue (although that's not always the case, I've had friends with PCOS conceive quickly).

Remind him as older parents you'll find looking after young kids harder, it might also be more tricky to conceive. I'm living proof that you've still got plenty of time, but I would've preferred to start TTC earlier, mid 30s at least.

He holds the cards unfortunately.

You are right to think that if you left a presumably otherwise good relationship to go find someone to have baby with then you might not meet that person. However if you stay and he decides in 3 years that he never wants them then it might destroy your relationship anyway.

You need to speak to him about whether he truthfully thinks there is a chance he may never want them so you can consider your options fully.

Also, in the meantime, look into freezing your eggs.

I'd leave.

I don't think he wants kids. He's stringing you along until it's too late.

If you want to stay in the relationship then that’s fine. But start researching sperm donation. What’s that you say, boyfriend? You don’t want your gf having a donor baby? I’m sorry, but the timetable isn’t just up to you.

Gently, I'd leave, OP. Really, if he's undecided at 33, he'll likely drag this out for years. Don't waste your time with someone quite clearly not on the same page - it will lead to resentment for one or both of you.

What’s more important - this relationship or a baby? That’s the bottom line. It sounds like he’s future faking you and will continue to string you along. So you have a decision to make. If you choose him, he may never be ready - can you deal with this? If a baby is more important you need to end it with him and start on a plan b. Sorry op, it’s a really tough one.

If you want kids, leave.
He could have kids for the next 40 years, you've most likely got a decade at best.

Take it personally because it is personal. He's told you at this minute in time and for the foreseeable future he does not want kids with you.

No one should feel forced into have a child.
If he is not ready, you really need to think of moving on, and not in an ultimatum way, but in a genuine way of you need to find someone who wants to have kids with you.
A few years to a man won't make that much difference, but could be the difference of a baby or not to you.

I had a baby boy and I was 20 me and his dad split when he was a baby. I met someone else when he was 18 months and we were together for 3 years. Anytime I mentioned marriage or children he said he never wanted those things. It took me a while but I finally realised I wanted another baby, and I wanted to get married. You only live once and you can't allow another person to stop you going for what you want. I ended things with him for those reasons and now I have 2 more beautiful children and I'm engaged. We've been split for 6 years and I genuinely think if I hadn't have ended that relationship I'd be right where I was in 2017 still dreaming still clinging onto the hope that he would change his mind.

unfortunately he still lives with his grandad in his grandads flat, still works the same job. Never had another proper relationship and he's mid 30's some people are just happy like
that and I genuinely hope he's so happy whatever he's doing because he was lovely but he couldn't and wouldn't be the man I wanted him to be for me and that's ok

It sounds like he doesn't really want a child but doesn't want to lose you so he's putting you off. At 34 with PCOS, you don't have time to wait.

I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait?

You should ask because you might get more of an idea of how seriously he is taking the idea of having a family with you in the future. Not even necessarily that he should pay for it all but discuss it and see how agreeable he is to pay towards it. If he's reluctant I'd take that as a very bad sign. If he's agreeable it doesn't necessarily mean he's definitely going to want them in future, he might see it as a small price to pay to buy himself some time and get you off his back, but if it's an outright no then he's showing you he doesn't really care at all about if you miss your chance or not.

I'm not normally a fan of 'testing' your partner but unfortunately it seems like for this issue many men are just not completely honest.

You've known each other for 3.5 years. That is long enough for him to assess if you are the person he would have DC's with. I think I'd assume he also isn't sure of the relationship either. You seem to have glossed over the step of marriage. Given he's not proposed either, I really think that he's coasting in this relationship as it suits him for now, but isn't really up for commitment.
I note that when it comes to freezing eggs, you'd be asking him to pay for some reason? If you have a big difference in incomes, it would be unwise to have a DC without financial security of marriage first.

Leave him.

He says not for “at least a few years”
What exactly does that mean??

He knows your biological clock is ticking.
He knows about the potential fertility issues of PCOS.
He’s not prepared to give you a timeframe therefore it’s almost certain he’s future faking you and may not want a child at all ( at least not with you)
He can have a child in 15 yrs time if he wants.
You can’t.

Leave him and go it alone or find someone else.
Sorry but your not both on the same page, therefore incompatible.

You have 2 options:
leave and find someone else to start a family with while you still have time
or
get pregnant on the sly

The relationship might end in future and then you'd have given up having kids for nothing.

He knows your situation and your feelings, and he's not feeling the urgency. To me that suggests he is a future faker who will string you along until it's too late and then say "never mind, it wasn't meant to be". I would cut my losses if I were you.

You have to decide what you want more. Loving committed relationship potentially with no kids or a child which may or may not be in a relationship setting.

I had this but the other way. He wanted, I didn’t and I told him to leave me because I couldn’t promise I would ever be “ready”. He said he didn’t want to leave and I asked if I was never ready would just me be enough. He never answered and we naturally grew apart. Ironically after a really shitty relationship I realised I did have a good guy, probably one I won’t find again and I feel “ready”. Life’s a cruel mistress.

I left a relationship at 32 for the same reason. I met my husband 3 months later and had my kids at 34,36 and 38. You still have time but these next few years are pivotal - don't waste them on someone who doesn't want the same future as you. X

"Get pregnant on the sly"?! Worst advice ever!

I was in your position at a similar age. If I had my time again I would move on from the relationship and find someone as committed to having children as me.